BB Webb as BB Webb!

Exploring the Possibilities

Necessary Losses and the Gain of it all April 11, 2010

I’m thinking this morning about the people who have come through my life, considering the possible ‘soul contracts’ we had way before coming to this particular time on earth. I’m considering the necessary losses we go through to tumble on top of each and every day. I’m thinking too of a book by Judith Viorst of the same name.

I am considering the various ‘connections’ I’ve felt with different people, the gifts I have received from them and no doubt they from me. And sometimes the gifts come through what we perceive as disappointment, hurt, anger. Others through expressions of love and kindness. They are all valuable.


I am considering too how people come and go and often return in ways.

One of those people is my friend Sherry, clearly a ‘sister’ soul who entered my life almost 20 years ago. We’ve had similar paths, with regard to spiritual growth and business. We buoy each other up in ways and challenge as well. We have gotten angry with one another but always return, knowing that the heart of the other is pure and well meaning.

Usually what has angered me is something I need to hear, though must take time to digest and assimilate. I always forgive any delivery that might sting. And she learns too how better to approach me or others through my response. We’re all learning.

What struck me as we visited the other evening was the power of our defense mechanisms. Our defense covers our woundedness. And we all have some. The more I need to be ‘right’ or ‘the best’ or ‘central’ shows only that I am perhaps hiding the vulnerable parts where, whether I admit it or not, I’m less sure.

If you’re thinking of yourself and denying this place, I encourage you to consider just ‘maybe’. That ‘maybe’ can lead to a breakthrough of seismic proportions! Consider too trusting me on this one.

I know too that our relating to others, in our marriages, friendships and business associations can transform as we consider this part of ourselves and endeavor to heal what is so deeply hidden.

The man behind the mask?

I see these places in others. There are many parts to develop in oneself as a human being.

It is the emotional parts that seem less developed in the professionals and adults I meet. They’ve yet to do that challenging work. They have not yet expanded into a place to feel all of who they are and they operate more from ego (this is what we train people in, in our culture), and less heart, a mind-y-ness,

(3rd chakra for those of you familiar with the energetics behind ‘being’).

I spent a good many years sorting through all manner of issues with a most savvy therapist, eager to understand why I did what I did and how I might shift aspects of myself to move toward a life of greater peace and in tune with some less reactive part of myself. I was eager to give up a struggle which didn’t serve me. It was GREAT work with a great mentor for sure. I value those afternoons pulling apart thoughts and feelings.

He is the person who shared, ‘you must make things what they are before you can change them.’ Indeed. And to see clearly you must tune into not just your mind, it WILL fool you, but your heart. This I know for sure.

Some of the people who I clearly have had or have ‘contracts’ with are brilliant, charismatic, loving, certainly fun or funny, but a tad dangerous in not being in touch more fully with this part of themselves.

I see the fuller person for sure, though their actions and the decisions or choices they make show me where they are less tuned in. I know, as I see myself in them. The attraction is strong.

I hold a place for them to move more fully into themselves. Similarly, I have had people hold the same for me, thereby bringing forth what is hidden in me, if I’ll trust and open my eyes and drop into my heart.

The many disguises of self

I have seen how I have deluded myself (or delude myself) when wanting instead to cover a hurt. It’s insidious. Hard for the smartest person to see. The defended self is a warrior, strong and sure in himself. We wear many cloaks of armour…

You can tell when you hear people speak, what they talk about. How they respond to what is happening around them. There is a thick coat of protective denial, the need to be right, a rigidity. This wounded ‘part’ expresses itself in so many ways. My father’s was through rage…..others a cunning logic.

When you drop into your heart….(just do it, even if you don’t think you know how), everything changes. My friend Sherry tells me that how I hold my lower jaw changes. She’s right, I can feel it. The heart is the King/Queen keeper of all. The heart rules….the mind, the body, perhaps the spirit.

I aspire to be a heartful leader, smart, savvy, open, vulnerable and on point. I’ve seen these qualities in only a handful of leaders I know, and only in moments. I am both inspired by them and feel tender toward the protected parts I feel within them. We are but mirrors to one another.

My heart is beginning to grow fuller as I meet these folks, several quite dear to me in ways. I see myself in them and have felt and feel a real connection. I know that somewhere there is a contract out on our ‘bumping into one another’. There is something to work out (each for ourselves) that the other helps present.

I’m deeply aware here. And here lies the blessing. So, I sit with all that ‘comes up’ for me with regard to people who appear somehow on my radar.

We are all gifts to one another.

And with this, meeting people, caring about them, expanding together or falling apart. I understand the necessary losses and that they are also much more. They are gains if we’ll look from a higher view. It is through bumping into one another and experiencing the hurt or defense or hubris that we can see ourselves better and have compassion for what is.

For me, this takes an uncanny courage.

My hope, as I grow forward, is that time and again those losses, which to me, with my heart open, feel less sad despite the learning and that in time, with some of the souls who have touched me, that there is a more awakened coming together to share all that has transpired, sometime before I leave the earth.

But, that’s just my ego craving comfort. It might be another lifetime for some who have crossed my path. For when there is a contract, there is a contract and what is meant to be, is just that.

I take NOTHING for granted!

BB Webb