BB Webb as BB Webb!

Exploring the Possibilities

And if I were a dog… February 20, 2011

Not just any dog…one of MY dogs.

My boy, Ernie.

I’ve begun posts and abandoned them of late…my groove is shifting as am I. Like plates on the earth, my worlds are overlapping. I can’t seem to get enough sleep and am easily distracted, not off my game, but rather, my ‘game’ is changing. This I know for sure.

I find myself looking for comfort but there is none, so I work on being with what is, remembering that things are always shifting and this space in time is only that. I liken it to the clouds building before a rain, pregnant with dense air and anticipation. Nothing satisfies until the rain comes, the next bit of clarity, the new horizon.

In the meantime I endeavor to curb my impatience. Clarity, like a new day, will come…in time.

My reminder this evening came when walking in a nearby field with my dogs. The skies were gray, nearing dusk. I had to pull myself from my comfortable sofa where sleep lately pulls me like waves into the current. I feel drugged lately with a slight inertia and fog. Off for some exercise before dark. It was Bert, my athletic brown and black pup who reminded me that it’s all in the moment. His every move is joyful, heartful, open, loving… in the moment…not worried about tomorrow, concerned, anxious….just there. He sleeps when he’s tired and given the opportunity, runs and plays.

And then Ernie, my blondie, as he sits, just sits near me, watching, breathing, sitting, then sleep, outside with excitement, back in, a thrill, nothing really but being where he is, not off in the future, fretting over the past.

And so it is. Pretty much!

What great reminders of what is possible if one will but allow it.

BB Webb

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Animals Rock! August 11, 2010

Come on, they do….mine do….

…but I have proof, solid hard evidence that if you love on a creature, (I’ll submit this might be relevant for human beings as well)…..if you LOVE ON an animal every day of its life, pet it, make sure it has food, water, exercise, clean bedding and temperatures not too hot or cold, they will sprout forth like a rose in bloom and be great company and friends all your live long days.

They entertain, adore you, are loyal like no one I’VE ever met, love routine, don’t mind staying outside all day in the yard or on the shaded porch, they have no problem eating the same food every day and well, car rides are over-the-top excitement for them.

A world without pets to me is unthinkable.

Today I thank all my creatures, Ernie, Bert, Bonnie, my pups and Annie, Wiley Pete and Lester, my four legged felines, along with 2 jumping un-named goldies in the tank….for their friendship and loyalty.

Might more people (me included) follow your example in areas a tad more!

BB Webb

 

With each passing moment… December 31, 2009

I’m experiencing an ‘aha’ this evening…just home from work after another day of shocks and thrills. I’m considering that the universe feels I’m suited for the frontline, I’m supposed to be the commander of the artillery regiment. I certainly am becoming adept at putting out fires and managing change. Not initially, I still react like a terrier during a lightning storm at first blow, but I know I’m best qualified for red alert, Mayday alerts and though rarely heard of, today was close to a DEFCON 1 alert. In fact, these alerts are becoming commonplace in my world.

‘Ohhh, another pesky earthquake, hold on darling, I’ll be there in a sec.’ Yawn.

I no longer dream of lazy afternoons on Italian hillsides in the sun, I think more about how fantastic a mere 12 hour work day will be or a day off to shop for groceries and change my sheets.

This thinking brought me to something new today. After dealing with our ‘company alert’ and bit of mayhem today, I watched this team of mine in their own style rally forth, come together, solve problems, give of themselves, find some appropriate giggles at one point, (thank you) and of course make fun of their boss in the most affectionate way. They are a sturdy group of ‘gals’ who I’ve somehow gathered together, a crop of loyalists perhaps, the high percentage ‘older’ women like myself, (though we appreciate the ‘youngster’ in the group greatly and her spirited perspective of the world)!

These ‘older’ women though….they’ve been ‘there’, seen the world through their own lens, experienced heartache, loss, had their triumphs. They somehow seem to ‘get’ what I’m after and have an appreciation of the jobs they’ve accepted and been chosen for and in my estimation, take them to heights of commitment which honestly, I haven’t seen lately in the way I see it in them. There is no martyrdom, no need for recognition, just a sense of duty and commitment which I appreciate more than I might EVER know how to express. Truly.

I’m the parent of this business, it’s my job to be present during turbulent times. Certainly at this point in my business. But it’s the small moments of offering time, help, thoughtfulness from my entire team that moved me tonight.

Being New Year’s Eve, I’d planned a night of zydeco dancing in Athens, (and it’d been a looong time since I merrily moved my feet in public or saw my band of lively dancer pals), though was foiled by our ‘today’ travesty which needed my immediate and prolonged care and attention. (A business being not unlike a very small baby).

While waiting for our visiting chef to finish his New Year’s Eve prep, I sat with Debbie, my new operations angel, going over the day, the week, the month. It was New Year’s Eve so I felt it appropriate to break open a bottle of wine while we waited as it had been a VERY long day full of stressful moments and uncertainty. As we relived the day and the month, we’d get to what are NOW the fun parts of dramas lived, (and which we survived since her recent tenure at my establishment), and began to relive and act out (well I did), the unbelievable episodes of our recent past.

We laughed til we nearly peed our panties….and Debbie has a laugh, (which I love) which could rival Paul Revere’s call. Welcomed moments during a day of siege, indeed!

I remember in a moment, feeling a certain sense of peace, which honestly I’ve not been having much of lately. I thought, ‘this is exactly where I’m supposed to be, (for now), in THIS moment.’ I often am way ahead of myself, missing my ‘now’ with pursuits which nip at my tail. But here, exhausted after a day of nip and strenuous tuck, I was experiencing the good humor and dedication of this extraordinary woman. Lucky me.

And then Lois, fondly name the ‘Velvet Hammer’ arrived, my new financial wizard. Having worked in the Gwinnett government system for 28 years, ‘the Hammer’ as we affectionately call her, is the presence who will assure that each department in my company has their policies, procedures and protocol. (did you hear a HUGE sigh)? In came Lois with a bag of salty corn chips, a bright red ‘jar’ candle which she’d bought on sale and Paul Newman’s spicy salsa. She’d come to see if we were okay and if we needed anything. I could feel my shoulders drop a solid foot.

‘Wow. Thank you. No, really, thank you. How entirely thoughtful.’

And there we sat, three ladies over 50 truly enjoying the passing of time and stories we’d already built in knowing one another barely a month.

Then in came Roger, our tall, slim, ‘fix it’ man, in like a wandering troubadour! I’d left a message earlier that day that our sink was linking in the back kitchen, to alert him to let Debbie know when he could come fix it next week. His long lanky self appeared in the doorway of our office with his wrench in hand and that crooked smile.

‘Roger….you’re here on New Year’s Eve!!’

‘Well,’ in his low voiced southern drawl, ‘you said your sink was a leakin.’

I hugged his skinny frame and led him to the sink.

I learned that his wife was out in his truck in our drive so invited her in to see the place, to ask about her holiday, plans for the evening. She met Debbie, Lois and our chef and then off they went, and our leaky sink sat dry as a bone.

It’s the moments. Only the moments which matter. What did Mother Theresa say, something about not worrying about doing great things, but to do small things greatly.

I am a woman whose wealth is best measured by the people who surround me. Of that I am sure.

My sheets will get changed tomorrow, (maybe), and groceries, awwww, there’s cereal in the cupboard. Tonight, as I ready for bed to service a full work day tomorrow, and as we symbolically move into a new decade, I look forward to experiencing the moments which might unfold in 2010.

With gratitude to my entire team at Carl House. Thank you. Here’s to great things in the upcoming year and beyond!

BB Webb

 

Hurt and Sober November 30, 2009

I learned a boatload today and I feel all the growth pains. At the moment it feels just awful. I know I have angels who swarm around and protect me (from myself mostly) and who make sure I get a speeding ticket (today) to make sure I don’t have a crash and kill myself. They know I have ‘miles to go before I sleep.’ The lessons are coming like artillary fire….and I’m somehow still here.

I am recalling a conversation I had with a friend, possibly 6 or 7 months into knowing one another. This friend said, ‘you’ve never disappointed me.’ I responded that, ‘I will.’ Not intentionally of course, but it happens with folks we care about from time to time.

The ones who stay despite at least SOME disappointments, are maybe the keepers.

I have maybe three close, friends, all different in how they interact in my life. I think they all might one way or another die for me. Take that metaphorically or physically.

With regard to physically taking a hit for me, I’d prefer they wouldn’t as I couldn’t live with the guilt….so just let me die please….I’ll be fine!…(though 2 of them would clearly find ways to save BOTH of us, they are just THAT good).

Being ultra perceptive, these three friends know me very, very well, my heart, where I’m weak and apparently where I’m strong, (I’m still learning about that part of me). I’m floored, honored really by their friendship and support of me.

One friendship is just a year old though has the profile to be a ‘rocking chair’ pal, though I don’t think we’ll be messing about much in rocking chairs. My love and loyalty was tested today. I inadvertently threw this person, who is so dear to me, who I hold closely in my heart, under the bus.

I didn’t mean to, was merely thoughtless and cowardly probably, afraid to piss someone else off who I frankly don’t care for one bit. Someone who knows me not at all and who is self serving and not very savvy. It was poor judgment on my part. I wasn’t thinking before pressing that dangerous SEND button. My unsavvy ploy didn’t work as intended. Transparency and truth I realized is always the best choice.

After realizing my error, I immediately consulted with my best friend 2Lu. She’s always honest with me and loves me from stem to stern. I’ve not ever had a friend like her. I rely on her frank assessments. My trust in her is off the charts. I asked her, ‘if I’d hurt your feelings or inadvertently threw you under the bus, would you forgive me and keep your heart open to allow me to continue to earn your friendship?’

‘I’d have forgiven you before you did it.’ I had no words but got all teary as I seem to be over-the-top emotional this week.

I aspire to be as loving, thoughtful, understanding as my few dear friends. They’re smart too….(AND good looking)! Whether they feel exactly the same about me matters not, I must say my heart is filled with so much love for them. I can’t help it and am not exactly sure why, but it just is. It is overflowing, like bread dough in a bowl with too much yeast. It just continues to grow.

So today, I get to practice the hardest forgiveness of all…..of myself. I’d rather die than be disloyal or unkind, would jump under a bus for my few friends…though today my actions looked far the contrary.

Later this evening, 2Lu shared with me, ‘in order to change, you need to hurt and be sober.’ Think about it, it’s true. She runs DUI schools. She knows.

I am both hurting and sober today. I’m also filled with gratitude that they, and the angels who flutter about me, showed up when they did. TRULY!

I’m but a mere crag without their reflection of and confidence IN me.

The Times They Are A Changin

Come writers and critics

Who prophesize with your pen

And keep your eyes wide

The chance won’t come again

And don’t speak too soon

For the wheel’s still in spin

And there’s no tellin’ who

That it’s namin’.

For the loser now

Will be later to win

For the times they are a-changin’.

Bob Dylan 1963

BB Webb