BB Webb as BB Webb!

Exploring the Possibilities

Struggle, Defining and Redefined… April 8, 2011

I began this week vetching (maybe) about what I perceive as authenticity and struggle. I am working through coaxing the first to emerge within myself organically, (yes, in a culture less accepting of differences) and I’m sitting this morning, (with gorgeous dogwood trees, my favorite, just outside my window), considering the true gifts around what feels like ‘struggle’ in ones life.

I had a moment this week, (it was more than a moment), where I felt the weight, abject heaviness of uncertainly in areas of my life I’m dealing with, feeling myself wanting to PUSH for a solution, that frankly is not quite ready to come yet.

I could feel that PART of myself rallying in her frantic, unstoppable way, with a drive I don’t enjoy, intent on getting her way…..

I am reminded here of a song I wrote in my play many moons ago, ‘Through Ruby’s Eyes’ called, ‘I Want it NOW!’ The chorus being,
‘I want it now, now, now, now, now, now, NOW!”….gee, not obtuse one bit!!

Imagine a rock n roller whose body is moving faster than her words, a physical and vocal display of youthful obstinance, petulance and hysteria!

This song coupled by the later ‘You Gotta Wait’ song. (Funny, in looking back, how clearly these messages were lining up as tiny tips of wisdom from God and the Universe channeling through me at the time, a dichotomy of sort)…

‘I Want it Now’ with ‘You Gotta Wait’.

Life IS stranger than fiction!

The chorus to the latter,
‘You gotta wait and it’ll come to you, be patient too, be patient too, it’s all right it’s okay, abandon of the safety valve, value YOU, value YOU!’

Good God! Soooo….struggle has value. It is a teacher. And if we’ll wait, wait out the petulant child, a message will come on how we might best move forward, in our OWN way, in an authentic manner which not only OTHERS will feel, but which, ohhh, if we trust, will feel right to us as well.

The magical Universe, God, All that Is, call that force he, she, it, them,what you will…..

Struggle defines us. And might I redefine struggle.

I’m so thankful to not be alone.

With love, always with love,

BB Webb

 

Arriving Where? said my ego, bent out of shape and scared…. January 29, 2010

…the ego is always scared. He’s the bully in the playground, the boaster of wealth, the Joker, the cocky one who claims to know ‘the way’. He/she is always in attack/protect mode. I know!

I’m allowing Mr. Eckhart Tolle to kick my ego ass this evening. It’s good. I don’t mind a good ass kicking, as long as it’s with a loving intent….and not all are. Trust me on that one, people can be mean and terribly self centered, ha! and the stupid ones don’t even know it. The craftier ones know and pretend they don’t. I’ve seen it. And no doubt fallen into both categories at one time or another.

But I’m waking uuuuup!

Mr. Tolle’s new book, ‘A New Earth’ so far discusses differences between our ego identification and consciousness, how we think we are our minds. Somehow that lead to a discussion with a very old, (and very alive and awake friend), this evening around con-artistry….(I’ll hold that for another blog post). Cons live and breathe ’round every corner.

I learned during my pilgrimage to that lovely horse farm in Normandy, France, nearly a year and a half ago, that no, we’re not our minds, nor our ego, they are merely servants to the soul if we might somehow corral them. I forget that on a daily basis, certainly of late as so many areas of my life are challenged. Fertile ground for growth for sure.

My resistance, defensiveness and reactive nature tells me so. That’s okay, I’m laughing at it all. I am my own playground should I choose. I’m finding that I’m not what I do or what I speak or what my bio says, I’m so much more….no doubt you as well. Maybe.

I know for what I stand. I don’t mind being humbled with my humanness. I only become upset when I feel ‘lesser than’ when experiencing myself in relation to what is happening around me, events, people, circumstances, or by what others say. Silly all that.

It’s important to know for what you truly stand. When I come back home to how that feels in my body, I could care less about really most of anything which surrounds me. But it takes enormous practice for me to stay in my body and out of my mind.

And then something big happened tonight…a veil lifted. Amidst my total exhaustion with things confounding and most of all supreeeeemely disappointing….people, events, bullshit, I realized I could care less. REALLY! I COULD CARE LESS.


FINALLY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (I can hear the angels hooting and hollering…..blowing raspberries)!

I remembered that I have a choice in EVERY moment on how I behave, despite the shit swirling ’round my ether space. I’ve been putting up SUCH a fight forever….with everything, everyone. I’ve got this drive and passion which needs no approval, it just IS, as I just AM. Whether people embrace me or it matters not. Approval is a drive of the ego. Who gives a bloody crap.

(I feel smutty mouthed tonight and truly, am holding back a bit so’s not to offend you or your mother).

I’ve said it lately and it’s beginning to sink in…..on oneself you must rely. PERIOD.
Where did we think we couldn’t do this or that??
God, look in the mirror, there is power, fight and smarts there if you’ll but listen.

I’m working to stay open to ideas, possibility, but to be less open to most of the world. It’s not honored and frankly, wasted. I’m finding that when people are not truly conscious, they are less likely to be trusted, truly trusted. (I’m not faulting them). And finally, instead of taking it all so personally, I’m choosing a quiet little prayer which I say so no one hears and it’s getting easier to let go and move on. I’m learning to do so with absolute love.

And when I do let go and move on, with what EVER I need to let go of….oh, it’s like sailing through the sky without a parachute….no matter if I die. Truly.
I love being free. And, despite what feel like shackles at times, I am free. Oh, I am, I am, I am, I am, I am. And I relish it.

I can make a change or shift at any time and do whatever the hell I please.

And so I shall and should a comrade I enjoy care to join me, so he or she shall.

From Mr. Tolle, divine wizard that he is:

‘Resistance is an inner contraction, a hardening of the shell of the ego. You are closed. Whatever action you take in a state of inner resistance (which we could also call negativity) will create more outer resistance, and the universe will not be on your side; life will not be helpful. If the shutters are closed, the sunlight cannot come in. When you yield internally, when you surrender, a new dimension of consciousness opens up. If action is possible or necessary, your action will be in alignment with the whole and supported by creative intelligence, the unconditioned consciousness, which in a state of inner openness you become one with. Circumstances and people then become helpful, cooperative. Coincidences happen. If no action is possible, you rest in the peace and inner stillness that come with surrender. You rest in God.’

So, rock on…beat your own drum….don’t fret the folks who don’t wanna play….let someone new arrive!!
Try it, and get back to me about what happens! We’ll swap stories! Yippeeee!

BB Webb

 

The ‘Religion’ Thing… September 17, 2009

jesus-1Religion and politics can rile even the most mild mannered citizen. Much as pets and children can ‘steal the show’, heated debates around the aforementioned topics can reek havoc on relationships as to me, what I hear most is a fervent need to ‘be right’.

I am intrigued after reading my business coach’s blog, The Unsinkable Brian Cork. His blog is read by some 30,000 folks a day. His topics are diverse and he loves to ‘stir the pot’, something I too am drawn to in my own, probably for now, quieter way.

So, in commenting on the righteousness felt by some, or as Brian states, the folks who claim to ‘tip their toes’ into religion through stating they are instead ‘spiritual’, (I loved that), it was fun to watch my own reactions.

I’m sure he has received scores of responses….some of which he makes available for others to read and some not. My response was as follows:

Thank you for stirring the ‘religion’ pot Brian. I enjoy witnessing my own reactions as it shines a useful spotlight on where I am or where I’m not.

I’m not sure why I’m not a joiner, but I’m not, (well, unless there is a discounted price on something involved)! When I think of most religions I’ve experienced, in perhaps my limited way, I am reminded of my daily decision to either be ‘right’ or to be ‘loving’. (That brings up the gnarly hairball of controversy over the meaning behind being ‘loving’). Isn’t this fun! And besides, I’m enthralled with expansion, unlike what I feel is a rigidity of thought within many religions. buddah

Nevertheless, I do consider this earth sojourn as certainly the ‘spiritual’ part of ‘me’ having a human experience, fraught with all the limitations of ego (fear). Be that as it may, as I watch scores of devotees and the intelligensia, clammering with their astuteness and bravado, debating over ‘their’ God, summoning false security or claiming to KNOW one thing or another, it is then that I am more enamoured to thinkers like Osho and Tom Robbins. Consider this if you will from Mr. Osho…

‘don’t try to become anything- patient, loving, nonviolent, peaceful. Don’t try. If you try, you will force yourself and you will become a hypocrite. That’s how the whole of religion has turned into hypocrisy…..Basically you are totally free to choose, but once you choose, your very choice becomes a limitation. If you want to remain totally free, then don’t choose.’

That statement alone has kept me up into the wee hours with an attempt to ‘understand’. Ahhh, we mortals. To me, the magic is in the moment, the place of unknowing and the illusive, undefinable force within, which well, I call ‘Godforce’, but I made that up. Because I can. Viva la difference… in the end, naught matters as back to the ether go we. I’d say listen to the wisdom within your heart and let IT be the master of your mind. or….not! That’s okay….I won’t take it personally.

But that’s just me. Today.

And I’m sure, you have your own favorite views. So chime in…. he (or I) would love the debate. The mystery of it all and the passion behind each person’s views are what intrigue me the most.

In the meantime, enjoy yourself if you can….no one really does KNOW much of anything, for sure, now do they.

BB Webb

 

Chocolate Jesus July 2, 2009

While in high school I took a part time job at a near by nursing home, (what is the politically correct term now, something or other care facility)??  WhatEVER they’re now called, this placed was filled with really old people.  I worked with a group of rather merciless seasoned nursing care folks who would test me with the most difficult tasks and residents.  I administered enemas, washed private parts, emptied bed pans and suffered the pinches of old men you’d think too old to lift an arm.  From one day to the next someone you’d just gotten to know might die, another resident might be caught walking down the hall with a bed pan attached to their rear, or I’d witness a resident’s lonely isolation or a family’s reaction to the loss of an elderly loved one.  I learned a LOT about human behavior, not just from the residents, but the nurses as well.

On my second day as a nurses aid, I was approached by a very large Mennonite woman, Sadie Miller, who while showing me how to wash a nearly emaciated, naked old man, (she nearly rubbed his skin off), not missing a wink, she looked directly into my young hazel eyes and bellowed loudly, ‘Have you been saved?’

I was taken aback.  I thought quickly, remembering the summer when Ann Murray, my best friend nearly drown me in Mrs. Smuck’s back yard pool.  Her elder son, Graham, had to pull me out of the pool, drenched in clorinated water looking like a skinny drowned chiuaua.  HE had saved me.  A moment later I realized she meant, ‘SAVED,’ as in ‘Jesus’ saved. 

I felt on trial.  Her stare was imminent.  I stammered a moment and then with a bright lilt to my voice bellowed forth, ‘why YES, I have.’  I knew I was lying.  I was an intermittent church goer at best, liking only the candlelit Christmas eve services at the Moravian Church that was attached to the girls’ school I attended.

Though I did remember the fascinating stories my roommate Ruthie told me about her father, the Moravian minister, who on occasion would shake up the congregation by walking in on his hands up to the alter. I never seemed to attend during those spectacles but would have liked to. I might have attended church more often had he performed a more regular circus act.

It’s funny how memories can crash into your brain in a moment when engaged by a question. I immediately remembered also being chosen as 3rd grade President of the Sunday school class, begging and pleading with my mother to never go back after my election.  After my successful win of the coveted Presidential role, I’d had the misfortune of playing, ‘Bluebird, bluebird in and out the window’ where 12 young children gathering in a circle while one child danced in and out of the arms of the players, while we in the circle moved and flailed our appendages singing robustly to this cheery song.  Much to my dismay, my left hand swung too close to the face of my adjacent partner and my finger accidently went up Cindy Metzger’s nose.  I was mortified.  There was no WAY I could return, President or not.

But back to Sadie the menacing nurse/Mennonite recuiter.  I learned early in life how to play the ‘game’ to folks persistent on me joining, most ANYTHING really. I learned to avoid being exposed for my rather personal beliefs, (even though they were just budding and not conscious then).  It was my early developmental stage in ‘selective transparency’.

So here I am, living an hour outside of Atlanta in the ‘Bible belt’.  When I first moved here, the owner of the local cleaners asked me, ‘Do you have a church family.’ I hadn’t practiced my skill in being polite yet evasive and certainly didn’t want to insult this neighborly recruiter any more than I wanted to engage Sadie the Mennonite.  I’m not sure what came over me but I just looked him dead in the eye and said, ‘I’m not a Christian.’ I didn’t even feel I needed to follow up with a qualifier, ‘but I’m a good person,’ or, ‘though I have my own spiritual beliefs,’ better yet, ‘but my old roommate’s Dad was a cool, ACROBATIC minister.’ I just felt solid telling the truth, picked up my dry cleaning and went home.

I’m not sure what I am.  I don’t like to define such things, they are too mysterious to me and well, personal, evolving.  Labeling is confining and I’m all about expansion. And, people get threatened, I’ve found, if you’re not in agreement, they want to recruit.  I’d rather someone follow me throughout the day or week and they can assess who or what they think I am if it’s that important.  They’ll find no doubt that I, (like you I’ll bet), are a mix-match of many things.  At the end of the day I hope I was more loving than not.  And if I did my best, well, to quote a playwright friend of mine, Kay Butler,

‘all you can do is all you can do and all you can do is enough.’

I’ve been resonating with that quote a lot lately.

Tom Waits, (a favorite poet and artist of mine) says it well, I feel, in his performance of what I might call the ‘post ecumenical movement’.  But that’s just me.   Freedom of thought, freedom of expression, of belief…..horrah for the seekers, the voyagers, the Magellans of the earth.  It’s all good.  And clearly horrah for Jesus! Might we all be more like him!

And for fun, a little song I wrote on religion…

I Found Religion

I found religion and it ain’t in a church,
I found religion and it’s on my back porch,
I found religion for the quick and the slow,
I found religion and ya’ll be happy to know,

All are invited Catholic and Jew,
Muslim and Buddist, Agnostic too,
I found religion now don’t push and don’t shove,
It ain’t a big mystery, It’s all about love,

So put down yer brimstone, yer fire and rules,
Let’s keep it simple and let’s change all the schools,
I found religion and the blessings abound,
It’s all about lovin and living right now!

I found religion and it ain’t in a church,
I found religion and it’s on my back porch,
I found religion for the quick and the slow,
I found religion for every Sally an Joe!

Here’s to love!

BB Webb