BB Webb as BB Webb!

Exploring the Possibilities

Woman-kind. A gift doubled and squared! January 4, 2011

Three generations! Lucky me!

Our nuclear family, as we all know, is not what Ozzie and Harriet portrayed in the 50s….not one bit. I own and run a special event venue…..a lovely one in fact. I get teary with each bride I send down the aisle….hopeful that what they are putting out to the Universe, hopes, dreams what-have-you….might blister….bad word, unfold with beauty and ease.

More often than not, the unfolding of any relationship HAS its blisters. Yep, part of the learning curve. Our options though are numerous (as women) compared to the days when Mr. Cleaver, “Beaver’s Dad’, ran the roost.

Last evening I spent my time with a cackle (the words bouncing in my head this evening surprise me)….I meant that in the most affectionate terms, me one of the ‘cacklers’….a cackle of women related through love, chance encounters, marriage, divorce.

Sweet Emily....from 8 years old to 21 in a blink!

Pictured below is my former husband’s other former wife, (we call one another ‘wife in laws’) and his mother, in the pretty bow….and his former wife’s (not me, the other one), mother and my lovely step daughter who will always be my step daughter. A finer group of women I’ve chance to meet.

Oh....the places we've gone, the places we'll go!

We have one man in common who is ‘Dad’, ‘son’, ‘son-in-law’, was ‘husband’ now ‘former husband’ to us separately. He brought us all together. I’m grateful for these big hearts who welcomed me into their fold. I welcome their friendship as my relationship with the father of her children, the son to his mom, the Daddy to one precious child and son-in-law, shifted places and roles in my world. These ladies, their love toward me….I’ve found is not conditional. Wow! Nooooo, really, WOW!

These are women big of heart, loving despite their own trials and to me very, very special indeed.

Hats off to the ladies who lunch, dinner, drink and stay together! You are always and forever welcome, whereever I am.

With love,

BB Webb

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New Year, New Stories, New Intentions….the Works January 1, 2011

If you’ve been reading my blog awhile, you’ll know perhaps that one of MY favorite things, on this earthly planet, is time alone, snugged in my bed in the morning, computer on my lap and a cup of joe by my side. Learning to be by oneself, relish the moments, taking the time to be with yourself, is a gift for sure.

When I was in the ‘midst’ of graduating from high school, my very best friend at the time, (Liz is still one of my dearest), wrote me a lovely letter which though I’m not one to gather and collect such things, I somehow wish I still had. She wrote to me of the importance of learning to enjoy ones own company, the solitude, the peace, learning to live without the entertainment, company, distractions of others.

Brother Johnny!

I grew up the youngest of three children, brothers just older enough to not be a part of their ‘friend crowd’. When my parents divorced (I was 12) and my mother built an A Frame in the forest and my brothers were off to private school living elsewhere….I was the ‘only’ child. I came to love the company of my animals (we always had several and then, 2 dogs, a cat and 2 goats as I recall)! I’d take long treks in the field beyond the forest where we lived to walk in the violet patches, gather forest plants to make terrariums, bring my paints into the field, (followed by all my four footers) and paint what I saw in the distance.

My eldest brother Jeffery, presented with a photo of himself as a wee one!

These were I find later, important times and my dear friend Liz was correct, learning to be alone was an acquired skill and a gift.

I know as well the absolute gift of both friends and family.

I spent last evening in the company of another dear friend, Janice and her family and friends, eating Moroccan food, sipping wine and sharing stories. I consider this morning where I feel I want to spend my time in this new year. I have weathered some emotional, financial and business storms these last few years, enormously grateful for what that time has taught me. I am more certain of my own abilities and strengths and places where I choose not to tarry. I am less triggered by others, their thoughts of me, my choices or how I choose to live my life. And I feel a connection to heart, mine and the hearts of others in new ways.

I am clear of the opportunities presented to us daily to choose, choose to be right or loving, rested or weary, uplifted or defeated….it’s so clearly up to us. I am choosing some exciting movement for this new year, eager to share the fruits of both my creativity and labor. I envision fun, fond creations, love at every turn and enormous prosperity.

It’s a choice. So here we go.

I wish you all good, your hearts desire, the ability for you to listen to your heart and always, always, great love. For without love and the expression of our own innate creativity, however it is manifest, why heavens would we tarry a minute on this earth?!

Passion, peace, joy, creativity, love, fun and the fulfillment of our heart’s desire!

A New Year of the most delectable sorts to one and all. Go for it! Swiiiing it baby….do!!

With love,

BB Webb

 

Freedom……just another word? December 22, 2010

As I fly off to Montana looking ever higher. Ever higher.

Toward those untraveled roads.

Merry Christmas, or more simply, great peace, love and joy to you.

BB Webb

 

It’s all in the timing December 14, 2010

There is SO much to share, so much to write about….and at the moment, as I work toward the end of what has been one HECK of a year….I have little time for my favorite pass time (Interesting expressing that…’pass time’). I wonder with that….if I’m correct with that expression. My sister-in-law told me once that her father, from Poland, thought that folks were referring to the object that fried eggs as a ‘fly pan’, not a ‘fry pan’. Words….I love them.

And with that…little time at the moment for the many words I wish to type here to share the more than many ideas, thoughts, musings vying for attention in my brain.

Finding My Twirl, Photo by Sarah Eubanks Photography

But, I have a plan….an exit and entrance plan to endeavors desired. One key objective is the taping of stories for You Tube and that project starts in January so I hope you’ll stay tuned. There is much to twirl about!

In the meantime, know that stories are mounting, scenes are being written in my head, directed by my soul, manifest through my fingers on my keyboard.

I’m taking it ALL in…..every ounce….not dropping one eyedropper of content firing across my chest, within my heart. It’s all there wanting to be expressed and will be!

For now….sorting, throwing away, shifting, opening, traversing a bit I go. And I look forward to when this horse spirit emerges from the shoot. Oh, such a happy day that will be.

For now, gratitude for all the scenes, all the experiences for my screen play of life. Rich indeed. And thank you, MUCH gratitude for the people, desired or not crossing my path, showing up as folks my soul has called for each and every experience.

And so it is. I’m thankful. And so it is.

With love for all things….even the ones that BITE!

BB Webb

 

Entrances and Exits…Tender is the Day December 9, 2010

There has been much shifting afoot and ‘things’ seem to be sorting themselves out, though certainly not always with total ease. My friend Karen, (beloved wife of my now deceased and treasured mentor Tony Montanaro) yesterday sent me this quote…..

“I want to do to you what spring does to the cherry trees.” Pablo Neruda

She as a friend and certainly Tony in his ways, did just that….helped me to blossom in a way as Carl Jung shared, ‘guiding someone gently into themselves’. To me, there is the where the blossom occurs….within.

She shared her thought that, ‘The inability to express love, leads to the inability to experience love.’

So, how do we best love….ourselves and others?

Karen and I can in a moment enter hungerly into our own brand of spiritual and metaphysical contemplation. She’s a gift, a jewel of easy connection in my world. Together we find comfort in being able to connect thoughts and ideas with what is important to each of us. Our thinking gravitates most often to our human need to give and receive love, our (universal, I’ll submit) desire to be seen, (all of us), for who we are, (appreciated, respected and valued for that as well) and most of all, our human need to be creative, which certainly drives the two of us.

I’m considering this morning how to live both authentically, in a way which makes sense and feels right within my skin, while allowing others to be who they are WHILE respecting differences in others, endeavoring to not offend ANYone. I clearly am not perfect at this.

Tony Montanaro

This notion leads me to my fascination with entrances and exits, or transitions in life. How do we enter and exit people’s lives, our day, our sorrows, fears and joys.

I had a boyfriend, a most gifted performer. As we worked in the studio in Tony Montanaro’s Maine so many years ago, I remember Robert working on a sketch where he played different characters entering and exiting a room. Some were hysterical, others stunning in how they captured a moment, a secret microscope of sorts on the life of Everyman or Anyman.

I consider with this the awkwardness of many of my mostly exits with people, jobs, chance encounters. Not everyone WILL understand why I or you or anyone does whatEVER they do, but I’ll venture to say, that deep to the core of each of us, here’s my Pollyanna at her best, there is a notion of goodness and outside of all the protective barrier, a simple child of the Universe, wanting to be loved, seen, heard and valued.

I consider this as I enter into my day with the intention of being loving.

Go tender into your day and feel perhaps your own value and know that you are loved.

This is our birthright really.

With love, BB Webb

 

And so it goes…drip, drip, drip. November 28, 2010

One drip of consciousness into the next….our slow awakenings. Mine come slowly and then periodically, in solid and sudden bursts. BOOM! We see. We hear. We know. We know, on NO uncertain terms we see ourselves, our path anew. And the awkwardness of ambivalence and compromise leaves. The choice to love oneself becomes stronger than our ability to negotiate less.

And as I came to that realization this week in saying goodbye to one part of myself, I could feel my heart open in a new way…with love, acceptance and a compassion for all the differences I see within me from others, with others from me. There is no right or wrong REALLY, merely preferences. Preferences. We hold our pasts, our wounds so very closely until one day, with any luck, we don’t. And then the great yawn, the taking in of breath we didn’t know we had and suddenly our dance with life changes.

I’m all for expansion and possibility, but that’s an old song….energetically imbued in my soul…..I must merely remind myself from time to time…when I get caught up in my own forgetting, earth bound, when I’m not listening.

Choices and then more choices. And with choices….necessary losses, gain, discovery, always some heartache as we become attached to things we’ve enjoyed and loved. Yet, when the decision to move is correct we know it and despite the heartache that might go with it, we know, we know, anything less is in time intolerable. Still the heart hurts with these times of letting go.

I’ve experienced so many. From time to time I feel myself drawn back to a memory, perhaps it’s the ‘dream’ of what something more…more in terms of peace, fulfillment, ease. I’m beginning to trust myself more wtih each passing year, and these decades are mounting in this life of mine. I am trusting more the reasoning of my heart, if there could be such. It’s more the knowing of this strong and aging heart, what brings my passions to light.

Vigilant Ernie and Wylie Pete stand ready for whatever is next!

We have support around and within us which never leaves. We might forget, but it is ALWAYS there.

As a reminder of that, my earthly guardians protect me outside my window….ever vigilant, full of love. Or maybe they just want inside.

Don’t we all. Want inside. Inside what matters. Inside our own skins, living a personally authentic existence this time through?

I do. How heavenly to have a morning with the sun pouring in my window, strong coffee, the warmth of my furnance and me, just me for now. Time to breathe, to consider, to express gratitude for the people, opportunities and ‘things’ which grace my world. Surely. Surely and indeed.

With thanks and then more of it. Where EVER will this day take me….far and beyond and yet right here at home, inside myself.

Drip, drip, mouth watering drip!

BB Webb

 

Bob Banta births BB….Awwww Dad! November 22, 2010

I hadn’t put it together until just this evening, but my father, Bob Banta, (who dubbed me Barbara Suzanne Banta) was a BB as well.

Happy Birthday to my father, Bob Banta. He died some time ago and honestly, I feel a greater bond with him since his death than perhaps when he was of flesh.

Odd thing to say perhaps, but I ‘get’ him a bit more since his passing.

BB and Bob, November 2005

He was not a warm, fuzzy guy, prone instead to temper tantrums and outburst of ‘crazies’. Though part of me now understands him a bit. Actually, MORE than a bit. And I love him dearly. Totally and dearly!

We are all part adult, part child. The child parts show up in the most profound (interesting)? ways….and I’ve found for myself, often embarrassing ways. We all want to FEEL we are so entirely ADULT, but what indeed is that.

But none of us is ‘complete’, I feel on this planet….we are all unfinished specs of humanity doing our best to make our way. Some of us have a savvier intellect, or are more affable, some negotiate good business, others terrific family relations….but we all have ‘work to do’….and to me, that’s what makes life interesting, if not frustrating in moments.

We all have our world view, my Dad clearly had his. We grow up with our ‘rights and wrongs’ our ‘preferences’ so to speak. My Dad was a most rigid sort. He had a box in which he lived and anything outside that was deemed wrong. Imagine me, budding artist, creative soul living in his household!

My Dad found me a bit too LARGE for life, too animated, lively, loud, BIG and certainly dramatic. And, I am. That doesn’t make me wrong, merely ME. Me. Not him. Me. I clearly judged him, his box, his disapproval mostly, sadly. I know better now. You do NOT fight fire with fire. I prefer to ‘fight’ with boundaries and love!

And so as I’ve mellowed in SOME regard, (others not so and perhaps never will or care to), I realize that there are things we must just accept within ourselves, others we can maybe tweak but again, I am reminded of Popeye and his ever popular, ‘I yam what I yam’ declaration.

And so should you be. And if I find I am not fitting into the current choices in my life, I’d best find other digs. My brothers moved to Montana when they found the surrounds and growth within our once rural Pennsylvania, not fitting. They needed a new place to thrive and get what they needed. Certainly traffic in Bozeman is far less hectic than in an ever growing outskirt of the Philadelphia surrounds. I admire their decision making.

I too am outgrowing things in my life and it’s almost comical to watch me ‘burst at the seams’ as I do. My father perhaps never found his groove until later in life. Business was a huge stressor to him and I think the role to which he was thrust at that time in the world and in how he grew up, a mother more concerned with cleanliness that teaching ‘Bobbie’ how to love.

A funny memory is my Grandmother telling us not to sleep out in the backyard as kids as ‘bugs will get into your ears’!

Bob's 2005 BD, our last together with my brothers.

Though far from warm and fuzzy or generous with his compliments, he was a master at the back handed compliment, i.e when reading an article written about me in the local newspaper when I’d brought my play, ‘Through Ruby’s Eyes’ to my hometown….I shared the ups and downs of being a traveling artist. He said to me,

‘in other words, if you can’t stand the heat in the kitchen, get outta of the kitchen!

Bingo Bob! And that was his way of saying, ‘atta girl. You’ve got the right attitude.’ But he was unskilled in using words in that way…in the same way that some people are not effective speaking their truths in person, they need instead to write what they feel, my Dad had his own style for communicating his feelings. Though I’d hardly say he was ever much IN TOUCH with them.

I recently received a mail package of things my brothers procured from my father’s estate. In my bundle was every letter I’d ever written him, (and, effusive I am) along with trinkets I’d made for him as a child. I was moved beyond tears to guffaws of joy AND sadness. I wish we’d known one another better. I wish he’d been open to my brand of communicating and ‘being me’. I wish I’d known how to reach him better to let him know how deeply, deeply loved he was by me and how badly I wanted him to see me and tell me I was his own special girl.

But I know that now….not just because of the found trinkets and letters kept, but I feel his presence in uncanny ways. We speak to one another and honestly, he’s so damn proud of me and I feel that. He edges me along in my business, challenging me to think bigger, to create, to work my magic which he knows I have. His sense of the Universe is so much grander from where he sits now and I am the beneficiary of his vision.

He was a good man with a broken heart and a fractured soul. We’ll meet again no doubt and he’ll feel me and know on NO uncertain terms that he is valued, loved, found capable, smart, loving and special for just being who he is.

I love Bob Banta. With every inch of my fiber and more. Thank you for the gifts I’ve received through having you as my Dad, warts and all that we both have….I may be a similar pain in the ass to others that you were, but I’ve now both scienter and a heart filled with both forgiveness and love and I dare you, dare you dear Dad, to beat that.

Happy Birthday…you’d have been 89 years old today.

Love your DDD. Barbie Sue.