BB Webb as BB Webb!

Exploring the Possibilities

No, not a meltdown…. June 20, 2011

….maybe I’m in need of a Cool Off at this point in my day.

My dog Ernie woke me by jumping on my bed, (pretty much not allowed) at 5am. I remember seeing a small tick on my sheets the other evening after he did the same thing and POPPED out of bed this morning determined to not awaken with a grey tick engorged on my forehead.

Awwww, that’s gross.

The day has tumbled about in a gray, mired, misery and though I know that IT, like a bloated belly, (damn, I’m full of the fun images today), passes…..I’m just not able to get my arms around things in a matter I prefer today and I’m uneasy.

So, I’ll allow a venting of sorts though will mostly take it out on a loooong evening fast walk up and down hills tonight. I’m sort of pissed.

Pissed when people fall short of expectations, or when I fall short of my own.

Upset when disconnects bring back memories that have NOTHING to do with what might be currently disconnecting.

Weary, perhaps of my mind and her shuffling about periodically with doom and gloom, certainly after rallying for YEARS now on such a different path.


But, I am human, I fall short, I forget and most of all, I’m DOG TIRED.

Well, fitting all that, with the early morning doggie wake up call.

Tomorrow, a new day to appreciate the NEW people I met today, (some terrific ones), the work done, the efforts rallied and that I’m here, on the earth to explore, create, meet neat folks, stumble and get up to try again. And, maybe fall in love.

BB Webb

 

The Time It Takes… May 30, 2011

I’m wondering a bit at the time it takes to reinvent your world. A tad hard to determine in exact measure, but it certainly takes awhile. And for me, it sets any old routines a-kilter a bit…and frankly, I’m rather fond of ‘a-kilter’. I like creating new, bold strokes, moving with some speed. Yet, this weekend I better understood my need to slow and be present in perhaps a new way to all that is rumbling about.

I had two incidents over the last week and a half where I thought on both occasions that my dogs were gone, one lost and another with an unfortunate dog fight which happened while they were traveling with me in my jeep. Everyone is fine, but drama was clearly afoot.

Bonnie, mama dog, is nearly totally deaf, 15 -17 years old, (the vet and I can’t really say), wandered away just before the LARGE storm we had last week, (which took down huge limbs at my house….one I was concerned might plunge through my large window). She is afraid of storms and was nowhere to be found….all very uncharacteristic. Our electricity was out for nearly 8 hours and I was so sad….thinking how the morning before she left we’d shared pup and mom time in the sun on my back porch. I’m her caretaker and I felt lost in how to recover her. Most of all, I wanted to know she was safe, unhurt…okay. I can only imagine how a parent feels when their child is in danger.

I put out an APB to my neighbors and wandered the area. Then a day and a half later, she suddenly appeared on our porch stairs. I was SOOO happy, SOOOO grateful to see her. WHERE had she been?? I’ll probably never know.

We get used to what we are used to. But, ANYTHING can be taken away without a moments notice. I appreciate my world, my friends, my business and the fine people working in it, the new people coming into my life, the hard lessons, the generosity and heart I am witnessing, I am encouraged. I see light and am feeling a light breeze in my world. It’s been a long time coming. Perhaps that has to do with perspective and attitude as well???

All things come to pass. It’s NOW that excites me. And yesterday is so very much my teacher.

Doggie home, the fighting is over for now, new projects taking shape, an invincible team formulating at Carl House and a grateful me.

‘Under Construction’ is how I feel….a productive, exciting time…moving forward ‘as if’….as if all I, WE might dream possible IS!

The pendulum swings….ooooh, does it!!

Here’s to contentedly swinging along with your OWN pendulum ride!

BB Webb

 

Finding My Twirl…..oh Grateful Me! March 27, 2011

This quote graced my inbox this morning….

“Gratitude unlocks the fullness of life. It turns what we have into enough, and more. It can turn a meal into a feast, a house into a home, a stranger into a friend. Gratitude makes sense of our past, brings peace for today, and creates a vision for tomorrow. ” – Melody Beattie

This quote, reminder, as I’m finding MOST things which come to me, are gifts, codes, guides, encouragements or signs to help me on my path. And Melody Beattie’s served in just that way this morning. I loved the message in her book, ‘Co-Dependent No More’ which I read nearly 15 years ago. It helped me see my own patterns at that time.

I’m playing this morning with the thought of independence and interdependence. I have been both independent and co-dependent, at the same time. How can that be so?? It can.

My father was an interesting guide to me while living, (a different and blessed one in death as I feel his loving presence all around me). He was not one to issue compliments, did not speak of my brains or beauty. Perhaps my soul attracted him so I might learn it on my own. So, my history of who I attracted in the male world often held a level of codependency which thankfully in my 40s I learned to recognize and shift. I would be attracted to men who I THOUGHT might validate who I was….yet I RARELY picked ones who did….as they were patterns, ‘knock offs’ of my Dad. Good men in their own ways, but not the right ones for me.

I needed to discover my OWN sense of self worth. And I continue to, as no doubt we all do.

I am finding, that we attract what we are. If I’m needy, I attract such. A man (or woman) who can’t build up another, is not confident in themselves. What they put out to the world may not be their authentic self. We mirror one another and have the opportunity to learn, (if we’re listening) about ourselves through who we attract.

Find Your Twirl! Photo by Sarah Eubanks Photography

Consider conflict. How often is our first reaction to point a finger. We might consider ourselves the equal culprit. Then, the first thing to do is to forgive ourselves, make the situation what it IS and attempt to shift to something better fitting.

In meeting men and women of late, I notice that I have changed from those years and continue to change. I don’t need people in my world in the same way I have in the past, certainly not men.

But, I need them both to live most fully.

And when I meet either, I am most grateful to recognize their gifts to me. My best friend Lulu is one such example. I recognize our interdependence, how we bring out more in one another than had we not met. I feel SAFE in her presence, I feel her championing who I am AND calling me to the carpet, (in her loving way) when I’m amiss in some way…..not in sync with my true self.

I’ve quoted Carl Jung often, (paraphrased), ‘Love is the process of GENTLY guiding someone into themselves.’ I endorse such thought and hope to celebrate it through action, to the people I love.

And as with my pal Lulu, I’m meeting men in my world who are the same…heartful, be they friends, colleagues or more intimate connections. There is an openness to possibilities and less restriction than I found with my father who had his clear REQUIREMENTS and ‘right and wrong’ rules.

Were he here today in the flesh, I would celebrate who he is and demonstrate a NEW way to love, as he was so deserving.

This morning, I send out gratitude and thanks to the new people gracing my life and to myself for opening my heart to receiving new people, new influences who grace my business, my world….ME! I am perhaps, finding my ‘twirl’!

I encourage you to find YOUR own twirl. It’s certainly where I feel my best…in motion, most alive, free and in my own skin.

With love, always with love….BB Webb

 

Communication is the Response You Get March 19, 2011

I am frustrated in this moment. I don’t like the feeling of disconnect when I am working in earnest to share a perspective, create a solution when asked, or have a moment of rest……and I am tired. The lists travel into my future like adding machine read outs….one into the next, into the next until my sight is blurred.

And IF communication is indeed the response we get, this thought is one to ponder. If when chatting with someone after being asked a question, if my response is not getting the response she wants or needs, is it ME who is not hearing or does the speaker need to rephrase or put her defenses aside, or me MINE, to better hear what is being spoken from either end.

I know only that when someone storms away after my dismissing the situation in frustration, (surely not the BEST strategy for peace), leaving it to them to solve, feeling my response unvalued or really not wanted, I am at a loss and feel anger at the lack of connect.

But I know what falls below anger. It is hurt, disappointment and sadness. I ask then, ‘what does this exchange remind me of’? When have I been here before. How is this person reflecting something from my past which makes me feel helpless, hopeless and in that moment, so very powerless.

I’ll send to them instead a prayer for peace and connection. I will communicate in other ways, energetically, with love and hope, hope that her shields as mine will drop to reach the heart of not just the matter, but the heart, which rules the mind when we can for a moment set the mind aside.

Ego is fear. Heart is not. Heart is love and I pray for mine to expand into greater tolerance and acceptance with each challenging communication I encounter.

I know my heart, my intent and boundaries. And if communication is the response we get….I’ll work both to hone and improve mine and let go the energies which don’t serve me. I am reminded too that a defensive nature is only a protective measure to our wounded parts. And, I am reminded the power of ‘I’ statements and how we give away our power with statements such as ‘you did this’, ‘you did that’. Just thinking….with some smoke drifting so evidently from my ears!

And, thank you to my distractors, for without the ‘rub’ I’d not have a barometer to so profoundly notice and measure my growth.

Peace.

BB Webb

 

It’s Probably Robert Duvall March 11, 2011

So many roles he’s played over the years. He’s special.

As a backdrop to some evening work earlier this week, I watched ‘Sling Blade’ with Billy Bob Thornton, (another peach of an actor).

Robert Duvall as his father was brilliant.
(And Dwight Yokam the perfect manipulative, arrogant, self serving, pushy ass, covering an insecure, misdirected man….WELL played)! So much of what he performed in this film, (Yokam), how he moves, his whiney voice….the nuiance, the immersion into his character….terrific! OR, there is always the possibility that he’s like that in ‘real’ life.

I like that expression…’real life’! Funny. It’s all real. It’s something too when you notice how you’ve changed and move differently than you perhaps once did in your life NOW, than perhaps long ago or even awhile ago. Our blueprint is our blueprint but all drawings can be erased or painted over…we can play whatever character suits us best.

Back to my protagonist. ‘Tender Mercies’ is perhaps my favorite Robert Duvall film. His struggle and dichotomy of character so perfectly played.

His recent ‘Get Low’ is another study in character, his final speech about losing the married woman he was planning to run away with is heart wrenching, tragic, real. He touches deep within and with that specificity we feel it too, as we have all been to these places of deep regret, experienced loss, the alone moments that shape and chisel exactly WHO we are.

This is part of why I loved acting.

So, this week, I watched Duvall, met some new people, wondered how to discern one ‘reality’ from my next, spoke to a woman who I grew up with whose father died….hearing her say ‘I love you’ to me despite not being in touch for almost 40 years and I visited with a former love, realizing how while we conversed, I’d so clearly moved on and why.

And such is life, moving, moving, twisting and turning. I propped my eyes open and worked late into the evening last night, organizing, clearly, throwing out more STUFF, to move my business forward, to move ME forward, to create time for new things as I’m uplifted by potential and certainly hope to exercise a GOOD measure of MY potential before leaving the earth.

(And speaking of leaving the planet, have you seen Robert Duvall in ‘Road’ with Viggo Mortgenson…(another favorite). Stunning in his portrayal of the old man with glossy, opaque eyes hanging on in a post apolcalyptic world).

So, as we say up north….’God willing and the creek don’t freeze’….or, if I’ll let go and allow all good to come in as she wants only to do.

With tender mercy and gratitude AND a heart wide open, so it is. This or better says I, this or better!! I say, BETTER…because I can. Why not?

So, it’s probably Robert Duvall, and people like him who fuel and inspire me, the way they weave who they are and who they are becoming, their ‘characters’ so to speak, which, by their example (in ‘real life’ or fiction), will help transport me ‘there’.

BB Webb

 

And the world turns. February 25, 2011

I am most definitely aware of my deficiencies. I am also becoming more aware of where I am not so deficient, expecting myself to be good at it all less and less. Oooooh, but I’m a task master to my very own soul.

Oh Popeye….he am what I am what you are. I’m over half a century old and I’m just now getting that. Certainly some shifts and turns one should not work to so ardently pursue, but rather work, I feel, to blossom the areas that need to bloom.

I’d so much rather flower, bloom where I am planted, than work to replant my very nature.

It’s going to be an amazing year. Love, light, abundance and joy.

And so, ooooooh, SO it is. Just watch!

BB Webb

 

We all need a champion! January 23, 2011

I had a young man working in my organization not so long ago. A tall, good looking, sweet and capable young man. He was caught drinking Carl House alcohol on the job. I had to let him go. In letting him go, I offered that I would not abandon him, but rather walk alongside him IF he reached out to me for help. I would not make it easy for him, but would offer support should he ask for it.

I am happy that he has. I had initially told him that I would not employ him again. Given his efforts, I have reconsidered. I feel it is important to guide people toward their own growth, to empower them through encouraging their positive action. I have learned not so much from my successes, but from what brought me TO those successes, which is most often challenge and adversity.

So, thank you tormentors. Thank you. I may not offer to supper with you, but I thank you nevertheless.

Below is his recent letter to me and my response today to him, his name changed of course to protect his privacy.

BB,
I would really appreciate some hours when some become available. I think the carl house could be a very positive atmosphere for me to wrok in. I would really enjoy a chat with you as well. If you would like to set up a meeting if you arent too busy that would be great. I have been continuing my progress of becoming a better person but have hit a few snags along the way and could use some good advice and you have given me some of the best advice i have ever recieved. Its not like i have resorted to drinking, im just kind of lost on a few things. Either email me or call me on either of these subjects.
Thank you,
Joseph


Thanks for reaching out Joseph. I’ll pass the word to Debbie about scheduling you when we can though this is our slow time. If there is other work available, I’ll let you know. Things though are growing since we launched our new website. Have a look, we’re very proud of it. http://www.carlhouse.com

You need to consider a group to check in with Joseph and of course, I’ll be here for you as I can be. Consider an AA group. You don’t have to be a fall down drunk to benefit from these groups, in fact, those of us with mild addictions often have the worse situation as it’s easy to justify why we feel we can handle it all ourselves. We are human and we ALL need support. I struggle with my own issues, we ALL do.

Find a group to visit with before we next meet. Bring the names of 3 or 4 options. You’ll be glad you did and begin to realize you are not alone with the struggles you face.

Consider where YOU might be of service to someone. If you are an animal person, consider giving some of your time to an animal rescue through PetSmart or a similar organization. You never know who you’ll meet who makes a difference in your life and you to them.

We ALL want to make a difference and to be recognized for the beautiful people that we are. And, we all want to make a living to support the dreams we have. It’s a process so be patient. You’re doing better than you know Joseph. Even writing to me is a BIG step.

So, find an AA group to visit, or several and a place to volunteer your time….if only a few hours a week. What you put out to the world WILL come back to you, in the proper time. Be mindful of who you hang out with and consider if they are helping to support the new directions you are wanting to take or not. They needn’t necessarily be BAD people, but question if they are the support network or a group of folks who inspire your movement forward.

Here’s how you can help me. I am looking for a student in film or marketing who is looking for a project for credit and experience at their school. I am embarking on filming some of my stories and am looking for someone to help film and document some goings on at Carl House to showcase on our blogs and newsletters. We have a new website and I have big plans for our growth, our YouTube and other social media outlets a big part of initiating that growth. So, if you know someone who might spend their time with me, I’d be most appreciative.

If you have time on Friday the 28….toward the end of the day, I can schedule some time around 4pm. Let me know. And just keep breathing, be conscience of where you are, where you want to go, ask for guidance from God, the Universe, whatever you believe and KNOW, know for CERTAIN, things WILL improve. It’s a process and it’s all EXACTLY the way it is supposed to be. Keep the faith Joseph and know you are cared for!

Warmly.

BB

There are so many challenges as we grow and unfold. We all have them, our worlds to negotiate. I want the best for this young man. He needs support as we all do. We all need champions in our lives.

I want to help in a bigger way than I feel I presently am. I consider how I might do so in a bigger way. This young man motivates me to find my next direction as well.

Peace and good things to us all.

BB Webb