BB Webb as BB Webb!

Exploring the Possibilities

Oh Merde! April 1, 2010

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh…it’s the different perspectives we all hold that keep the world turning on its axis. Turning, turning, turning.

I’m never bored.

Scary when we begin to believe our own bullSHIT.

Speechless, I’m rarely that….but I’ve had trouble finding the correct words to express what’s up for me this week. Forgive me but, SHIT keeps coming to mind.

A little background…(drums seem appropriate in the background). I’ve been mucking about in some real SHIT over the last 2 years….it all started with a $45K septic issue on my property. (But trust me here, it’s laying the groundwork for the extraordinary).

I came home earlier this week after spending time in one of our governmental systems, a surreal world where projection is king, or queen and where the energetic vibe is so low, I felt as though bricks we piling upon my body. I didn’t know how to breathe or speak in such an atmosphere. The language bouncing or rather ricocheting from the drab cement walls in the cubicle, square room where we sat was beyond hurtful and the vibration, the energetic vibration low, low, basement, submarine low.

I don’t live there and it hit me like a wet boulder to the head. I felt as though I was watching movie actors saying lines underwater which I’d never heard. I had no idea how to respond nor what play I was in.

I could only feel the truth about myself. The games I play are for fun, not working to destroy others.

I came home feeling like a gray earthworm, worn out, aching of human yuk and sapped of all energy. Walking into my bedroom, one of my kitties had SHIT on my rug. This RARELY happens.

I decided then to go for a walk in my nearby field to clear my head, brush off the very negative energy that had leeched itself to me, attached like diseased barnacles. Two of my pups, 10 year old Ernie and Bert immediately found the freshest, greenist horseSHIT they could find and rolled in it. They were enjoying themselves.

Then I considered:

What was I to learn?

Just roll in the SHIT….equinimity darling, equinimity…..just roll with the punches, let it teach you, guide you, send you to where you’re meant to go. All is in divine right order. Roll in that SHIT sweetie. You know your truth and heart. Just trust, trust in something higher guiding you. You’re being groomed.

I know that I endeavor to operate at a ‘high’ level.

Here’s an image: Imagine an ugly, dark, huge spider, unwilling to find real food, (it’s too much trouble), she jumps out of the closet and sits her big, spider self on me, trying to prove what, I have no clue, and she begins to spin her sticky, gooey web around my head and body. I don’t know how to respond and I sit catatonic a spell, unskilled at this level of base, scummy entrapment. I just don’t play there. I’m far from perfect, but I would never choose this destructive, hurtful game. Never.


I’ve got to stop being surprised at how unconscious and/or uncaring and untruthful people can be, how they project their own SHIT on others and work for their own gain. Playing the victim further encourages their malise. The story they believe becomes more real as they enact their drama. They attract EXACTLY what they don’t want, these sour people….SHIT.

I’ve been taken in by many a sleuth and con artist this past year….not putting up effective filters.

I need better filters, to create a higher bar for allowing people in my space, certainly in my head and heart.

I have a cynical friend who can smell fraud as quick as the bank. I’m beginning to find that she’s often very, very right and my Pollyanna is melting.

The difference between us, I become hurt, she becomes pissed. She throws SHIT, I eventually grow flowers from SHIT.

I have a forgiving nature. I can learn AND benefit from EVERYTHING I encounter, should I choose!!

And well, I do, eventually.

Bless those people asleep in their own SHITTY, victimy world….might they awake to find they only give away their power by playing the victim. What they don’t want comes RIGHT back to them. Just watch. I know I’m right on this one. I’ve been in their shoes.

I just made up a new acronym: B.L.A.M.E. Big, lugs aiming mean energy.

Okay, I’m tired and not particularly clever this very moment. How about: S.H.I.T. Shall Humans Initiate Truth?

It might not be a bad idea.

Awwww, go to bed BB, go to bed.

Might April Fool’s Day trick us all into better behavior and more open hearts.

BB Webb

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Happiness comes from…. March 25, 2010

caring more….not less.

I heard that thought this evening and it made me sit awhile and think. I’m not sure I agree. Caring more?? Caring too much can break your heart. Caring less can surely leave you lonely, yet, to be disengaged separates you from the pain of caring too much which leads to inevitable disappointment…time and again.

A broken heart. Truly there are worse things. If exercised right, the heart is one strong muscle. Mine has had its share of exercise for sure.

With each disappointment I come back, eventually, more fully to myself.

It’s the ‘I am’ principle perhaps.

We are complete within our selves and caring more….ultimately for ourselves, creates strong, able selves.

And strong, able selves can love others better.

So I suppose I’ve come full circle…happiness just might come from caring more, not less.

And round and round the world we go.


>>>>>You just witnessed what happens on average 239 times in the mind of BB Webb in any given day.<<<<<

It’s no wonder I’m so tired at night.

Whewww…so what is ‘carefree’, not caring more, or less????

Oy vey! I think I need a hug!! 🙂

BB Webb

 

Support, Caretaking, Taking Care, Caring Less. February 4, 2010

Which is it. What do we do from one day to the next, moment to the next?

SUPPORT…I’m all for that, giving it and receiving it. Support to me is giving someone the tools to do what they have the ability to do. We can give it and receive it…Support for efforts in growth, learning and becoming capable in areas which interest a person. Give and receive, receive and give. With love and and openness going both ways.

The idea coming to me too about ‘giving and letting go’ and ‘receiving and letting go’, releasing expectation on both sides.

Just receive whatever is REALLY being given (should you choose) and give whatever YOU want to give…it MIGHT not be what someone wants.

And then there is CARETAKING and I don’t do much of that.

Though on what I feel is a funny side note, I met with my financial advisor late yesterday afternoon. We spoke of all things commerce, strategy, tactics, business and the like and at one point, she looked at me with kind and knowing eyes and said, ‘you’re co-dependent in some areas.’ I laughed so hard the room shook. ‘Yes’, I said, ‘I am’. ‘The key is’, she noted, ‘you’re becoming aware that you are’. ‘Yes I am!’ I then added, ‘You have to make things what they are before you can change them!’ DING DING!!!!!

I appreciate someone lovingly shining a light for me! She was.



Back to caretaking…..I don’t think it’s so useful, unless you are a newborn, small child, an invalid or special needs person, or animal. I used to ‘care take’ hospice patients. I loved that work and may return to it one day. I liked caretaking someone who really needed me, being there for what they needed, comforting them, and if lucky, guiding them through their next transition….to new places, new journeys.

But to caretake someone capable and able, that creates dependency, co-dependency maybe. Maybe when someone ought to instead spread his or her own wings.

Discomfort is growth. Pain is growth….if you don’t numb it. It’s where if we are willing, we dig deep inside and sit with THE truth, as when all is said and done, there is only what there is. That takes incredible courage….especially when we’ve started to believe our own stories.

I prefer the truth. It’s icy at times, (and I’ve often deluded myself), but once I settle into it, the right people, circumstances and opportunties arrive. And there is nothing to defend. NOTHING. You ARE, it IS. I am eager to speak to that end in my upcoming media pursuits. And I will seek out warriors, people who have REALLY done that work, who know the pain of taking off the mask, who’ve realized the importance of compassion and their ABSOLUTE truth….which often CHANGES, as we grow!!

In the same way that I’d rather hire someone with passion and spunk than a seasoned professional who has lost their fire and buries themselves in defense and complaints…..I like the edge I feel in an artist, the moxie of someone who’s fallen and risen back in love, not anger, with revenge or hatred.

Having been in my own heavy shoes of pain any number of times throughout my lifetime, I savor that I can THEN, truly walk with someone who has been there too, and wrap my arm around theirs as we walk, emanating appreciation for the lessons and to be walking together in that moment. Truly.

And back to my premise. So, TAKING CARE…..I’m pretty good at this. I take good care of myself. I need sleep or I’m a solid grump. If I don’t eat well I am jumpy or have low energy. I try not to hide from things I’m feeling and will certainly raise my hand if I’ve done something hurtful or was wrong. And I work to hear the helpful feedback from people who are supportive of me. I’m learning to sit quietly as when I allow the messages I need to hear, come through, I am taken care of. Peace is only there for me to find. As I take care of what I need, I can better give to others, this I know for sure. Breathing, moving (I like to dance) and sitting quietly, key to me.

CARING LESS. I’m trying to learn to ‘care less’ about some things, but I still struggle with attachment. I’m so strong willed it’s hard to let go sometimes, to ideas, memories, people, habits, thoughts. I’m a little like plankton at times, embarrassing as that is.

(My friend 2Lu asserts that we NEVER need be embarrassed for who we are…I think it’s her own version of the ‘child of God’ talk)!!

I think of one of my favorite lines from a movie, ‘Run Forest, ruuuuuun!’ I need to consider at times when it’s best to ruuuuuun away from some things, or certainly to just quietly walk away. (I’m thinking of a recent thoughtless email to a blog post of mine….some things are just not worthy of a response, I have scores of examples). What we need will come to us when it’s supposed to come to us. There is so much that is not up to us. I’m learning that if we allow ‘things’ to be easy, if we’ll consider they can be, sometimes they ARE! That may take several lifetimes for ME to grok!

I forgive fairly easily, it’s harder to let go, but I can forgive. I SEE people. When I take the time or if I have interest, I do.

Though, I can get as caught up with smarts, wit and charism as anyone; nonetheless, I see deeper and that unleashes my compassion. You can look at a face, cover each side and it’ll reveal what is under people’s masks. One eye is often filled with great pain, sorrow, we all have it. The other the spark, heart and intelligence of the person. It’s the first thing I notice in people and I’m observant. ‘In person’ with folks is always the most revealing. And I’m tender toward people when I can see them. There is rarely EVER anything not worth forgiving.

…though it doesn’t mean there aren’t times to step away. People need space to be themselves and often it’s better to let them be. I learned that living with my father who was prone to hurtful outbursts. It’s the stealthier jabs that I’ve come to recognize and step away from, the more experienced, cunning, careful and subtle hits, cloaked in other dressing that I’ve learned to step back from.

For someone who seems to take EVERYTHING personally, I’m learning not to there. It’s people just working things through for themselves.

People need time to root themselves. Some people I think I’ve waited for for lifetimes, still with a knowing that in some incarnation they will come home to themselves with an authenticity which will make the world and all its flowers blossom and weep with great relief and probably joy! I’m sure I’m on some people’s waiting lists as well!

I understand humanness and maybe even the selective memory that people have, including myself. Believing in our own stilted resumes and stories can be a real liability!

My mother was a model to me of authenticity and showed me how to love. Never have I had the pleasure to be with such a creative, loving, nonjudgemental person in my life. She was a Queen, a lady, a playful sprite! I loved HER as big as it gets. She was pretty much the ‘real McCoy’ and a great example to me in many, (not all), but many ways.

So, consider how to support yourself and others in ways that matter, to do less caretaking of folks who need to find their mettle, (they can do it, with your support), take care of yourself and let others know how you feel, that’s a GREAT way to take care of you…it fills your heart and theirs and people deserve to know, really.

And well…perhaps caring less about some things is good, the things we can’t change, the areas where others need do their ‘thing’, follow their path. Just back away and let the world swirl about. Don’t consider doing a thing but be you, be loving, feel compassion toward others and certainly yourself. Truly. But do feel, it’s key to all growth.

Be rueful, but only in terms of compassionate….that’s what the world needs, certainly not pity!



With love,

BB Webb