BB Webb as BB Webb!

Exploring the Possibilities

The world spins madly on… July 31, 2010

Necessary Losses, Necessary Humor…

This week has presented all manner of choices in my world….mostly on the perspectives I might best adapt.

We make plans, reach out, pull inside, rally a bit, rage perhaps, break down, stand up, smile, meet, call, sit, watch, dream, fall back, write, write, write, write….sleep, imagine, engage fantasy, move forward and try something new….I like new….possibility.

And I continue to encourage the new in those talks I have with myself. The old just won’t cut it…..people will do what they do, obstables are part of the course and people die.

Oh the rallying necessary before the end.

And so I rally for a few key causes this week and no doubt in the next little while.

I know my power and how I can impact change….

a change in situation or perhaps more often, mindset.

And as I do, I ask for strength, widsom and humor.

The whole world is moving and I’m standing still.

The Weepies continue to know….

BB Webb

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Wine-ing or Whining? And then there are days… July 17, 2010

When we forget….there is just no simpler way to put it. Forget or perhaps revert….to old ways that just don’t work anymore. It’s like getting stuck in the gutter lane when bowling….you’re cruising along just fine and then suddenly your tire hits the berm, and oooooh, you lean to the left hoping it won’t get stuck there, one, two lean but DAMN….too late….

You have to wait this one out….let all the old shit pile up beside you, images of the past, those insecurities which make you feel like a teenager at a dance, with your braces and flat chest. You only notice that Tim Johnson is oogling over the overly developed Rachel Winters who is unfairly busty and has the perfect figure, while you can’t figure out how or why you’re still so flat chested and wonder if you’ll EVER develop a curve.

So, as an adult you stand back and look at the funk you are in, consider your options, how long it might be to wallow in the lumpy, dissatisfied state where you sit, where your discipline for the things that normally appease your dis-ease is for the moment gone. Boredom seems like such an excuse, it’s just that a direction, for the moment, is not easily presenting itself. Sooo….you allow yourself this place, watch too many old Showtime series, open the fridge for what? an answer, you take a bath, consider the gym, snuggle next to a four legged heartbeat, straighten up the kitchen and fold some clothes. Sigh……it’s classic and unnerving.

Then you remember a rock n roll song you wrote for your play years ago, ‘I want it now’ the title. Well, of course you do sweetheart, of course you do.

This might seem funny later.

And then you remember to sit with where you are….if you can….resist a quick ‘fix’, food, drink, company, work….because this place is revealing…you’ve been here before and no, it’s not really fun, just part of life.

And what does it reveal…that being ‘here and now’ REALLY is the only place to be….the next business, review, epiphany, the next new friend, outrageous high, it’ll come when it’s time but today is this. And, with each breath and step, the next move will make itself clear, as it always does….

but come back to here is what I remember….

and if I’ve got love for myself, I no doubt have everything I need. The hungry ghost will however have NONE of that.

Isn’t an addiction just an unwillingness to be here, now?

Awwww, I’m too smart for my own good….though it does me no good just now. There is nothing to fix. I need only be…here….now.

Ouch!

So, I give myself a timeline, so, when this wallowing time is ‘up’, I will then get busy with things I can do to steer myself west from east, cause at some point, enough is damn enough.

Just breathe. A new moment…’round each corner.

But for now, I’m on a Clint Eastwood roll….’The Outlaw of Josey Wales’ beckons me and well, maybe one glass of Rodney Strong Knotty Vine Red Zinfandel, to untie a knot or two……..sigh.

Cheers!

BB Webb

 

Catholics, Popeye, Filters & Honoring Your Preferences & Intent! May 22, 2010

As I continue on this road of self discovery, really, discerning who I do and don’t want hanging out in my ether space, I am at the same time cultivating a style for which to screen, negotiate and honor my sensibilities.

I’ve always not only done my best to ‘play fair’ I have from time to time put myself at risk being too….(gawd I resist this tepid, wimpish word), nice! I’d rather we all get along. Really. (Oh that nefarious need to be understood, driving me again to distraction)!!! AND, in the same breath, I have specific standards on how I endeavor to treat people and certainly how I run my business and my life. It’s all MY perogative and I exercise that free choice.

But then we have our personalities and ability or non-ability to handle stressors in our life. I’ve always been high energy, (read that as high strung, if you will)….and I value calming spirits in my breathing space…it helps me, it helps me from not mismanaging my intent to be more temperate.

Well, I’m often not! And it pains me to think that at those times I am displaying (with all DUE respect to my father), Bob Banta’s less than admirable qualities when it came to dealing with people and his temper. I don’t mean to rally against anyone, just am not as adept as I’d prefer at managing my frustration in how to better communicate, (or in my current position and role, (one I’m not best suited for), General Manager of my company), until I find someone better to do it. I prefer and am better suited for the owner/vision castor role! There are some things you just KNOW!

But, I know what needs to be done. And I beg forgiveness at not being different in these moments, though indeed wave a flag of surrender to who I am for as Popeye asserted so beautifully, ‘I yam what I yam what I yam’.

I wish I were Catholic in those moments….to either confess my imperfections to be denounced pure or to rally with the other imperfect sinners in the congregation while downing copious amounts of church wine.

Let’s face it, it’s humor that will in the end save us all….and of course dancing!

With love, cause that’s TRULY all I care to focus upon…..and with thanks to the many folks who seem to ‘GET’ BB Webb and bless their souls, still choose to tarry about in my presence. Sincerely!!

BB Webb

 

Awwww Kitty….A Brand New Day May 9, 2010

Kitty, readying for a parasail...she was 64 years old!

“No one can go back and make a brand new start, my friend, but anyone can start from here and make a brand new end.”

– Dan Zadra

And while we’re at it….

“Resentment is one burden that is incompatible with your success. Always be the first to forgive; and forgive yourself first always.”

Dan Zadra

She's never really far away!

In thanks to my mother, ‘Kitty’, Kathryn Royer Vogel Myers Banta Richards Richards Vogel….a woman who knew change and was exemplary of a life lived with heart, passion and absolute forgiveness. She taught me the love of animals, convinced me I could do ANYTHING and demonstrated a heartfulness which fills me through each day I wake. She’s been gone physically from the planet for 12 years but lives fully in my heart every day.

She was a woman of steel who crumbled only in losing her breath and our breath, afterall, is the one thing we can’t live without for very long. Food, even water we can spare awhile, but breath, it is the stuff of heart. Breath is passion, something to wake up and be excited about with each day!

Love to all the mothers who nurture and grow our days. May they feel loved, protected, cared for and appreciated, each and every day.

With deep appreciation and gratitude to my mother. I’m not sure how, but my love grows stronger for you each and every day. It’s that love that pulls me through each challenge and every moment of EVERY day.

Ooooh, for the loving women in the world. Honor them, please.

BB Webb

 

News Alert…. April 18, 2010

Money was raised, and glasses too, at the Jeanette Rankin High Hat Tea. A sunny day in Athens with hope of more deserving women being awarded seed money to advance their educations!

Lovely really. And oooh….me, well, First Place Winner for the Most Creative Hat award with my ‘The Many Faces of You!’ hat!! (Frankly it was really rather bizarre and silly)!

I’m blushing!! Everyone so sophisticated and in I come with my garish, flashy hat. (See below)!

Here’s to people doing good for others….and this group does VERY good things. If you’re looking for a cause to help women in need….worthy, WORTHY women in need. Check them out. Jeanette Rankin Foundation.

Thank you to Sue Lawrence, Executive Director of the JR Foundation and her entire terrific team. Well done indeed!

BB Webb

 

What is Enough? Confluence baby, confluence. April 17, 2010

I’m seeing a pattern in things of late.

One experience shining a light on another, then another and another….

…which in turn shines a light on what I prefer, what I’ll tolerate (or not) and, always, I’m finding, my desire to have events and people in my life fit somehow with me.

But I’m finding they often don’t.


I’m standing my ground in a new way, sort of….I have some work to do for sure. And well, it has me frankly up at all hours, unable to sleep. I crave peace and can’t seem to grab hold of it for long intervals.

I’m finding that if something feels WRONG, I’m probably right. Truly.

I’m on the edge of my patience seat with a certain business relationship with frankly, a lovely person. I’m not getting what I want in terms of communication or style with a vendor with whom I’ve entered an agreement. When I hear defensiveness I roll my eyes, sigh and wonder why I’m hanging on as though the situation will improve. Our styles of working are diametrically opposed as are our ways of communicating. No right or wrong here I suppose, just different.

As my retainer seeps away each month and I come up again and again at impasse after impasse, I wonder, what am I doing???? I recognize this place as I’ve been here often in my past. Pollyanna wanting to make things right.

But I’m not happy, don’t feel the synergy I need nor the connection, but merely am working my logical brain around in a flury to create a fit. I’ll wager to say I realize in time that it’s not!

I’m far from stupid, merely stubborn as hell in often the wrong places.

….and I’ve sung that song this last year til I became hoarse, blue in the face, the cows came home and the fat lady sang.

I need to trust that voice that tells me to have the nerve to just say ‘Not a fit. Best wishes!’ and move on. I’m not there yet.

Clearly I’m not there yet in THIS area of my life….but I’m fast approaching. I guess the pain just isn’t great enough yet, but it’s getting there.

Then in another breath of today, I had lunch with my long time friend and attorney today. We’ve known one another probably eleven years now. He’s as true-blue, caring and sincere as anyone I know. He’s had my back in all but one incident with all our dealings, and with that one incident, the dialogue we had around our mutual disappointment, sharing our thoughts, feelings and humanness brought us closer together as friends, not further apart one bit. I appreciated his vulnerability and that he too was far from perfect. I admired him all the more.

He has been a steadfast champion and supporter of me in a way I’ve not known much with men in my life. He builds me up, shares his concern when he has it and is always there with a kind word, a rally of support for whatever I’m doing and a twinkle in his eye. He’s a true country gentleman and a person I’m happy to call friend.

And today, just today, while the health inspector surveyed my kitchen and surrounds, as my new chef was busy chopping chives, the rest of my team, selling, handling finance, my operations person ‘operating’ here and there….

my attorney friend and I sat in the middle of my ballroom at Carl House and ate a spinach salad with salmon, drank a small glass of wine in celebration of having made it through another year, month, week, day relatively unscathed with our good attitudes in tact, a sense of appreciation for lessons learned and the knowledge that we have a true friend in one another.

Priceless. Confluence baby, confluence.

Every thing is always coming or going, coming or going.

I leave the window open for the new, better, different and same old to enter as it will, but only in a spirit of love and support as that is where I prefer to tarry and what I intend to mirror to others.

And today had it’s measure of up and down, yin and yang, delighted and pissed and both energized and rung out.

And so it is….life that is….

BB Webb

 

Necessary Losses and the Gain of it all April 11, 2010

I’m thinking this morning about the people who have come through my life, considering the possible ‘soul contracts’ we had way before coming to this particular time on earth. I’m considering the necessary losses we go through to tumble on top of each and every day. I’m thinking too of a book by Judith Viorst of the same name.

I am considering the various ‘connections’ I’ve felt with different people, the gifts I have received from them and no doubt they from me. And sometimes the gifts come through what we perceive as disappointment, hurt, anger. Others through expressions of love and kindness. They are all valuable.

Who....who??

I am considering too how people come and go and often return in ways.

One of those people is my friend Sherry, clearly a ‘sister’ soul who entered my life almost 20 years ago. We’ve had similar paths, with regard to spiritual growth and business. We buoy each other up in ways and challenge as well. We have gotten angry with one another but always return, knowing that the heart of the other is pure and well meaning.

Usually what has angered me is something I need to hear, though must take time to digest and assimilate. I always forgive any delivery that might sting. And she learns too how better to approach me or others through my response. We’re all learning.

What struck me as we visited the other evening was the power of our defense mechanisms. Our defense covers our woundedness. And we all have some. The more I need to be ‘right’ or ‘the best’ or ‘central’ shows only that I am perhaps hiding the vulnerable parts where, whether I admit it or not, I’m less sure.

If you’re thinking of yourself and denying this place, I encourage you to consider just ‘maybe’. That ‘maybe’ can lead to a breakthrough of seismic proportions! Consider too trusting me on this one.

I know too that our relating to others, in our marriages, friendships and business associations can transform as we consider this part of ourselves and endeavor to heal what is so deeply hidden.

The man behind the mask?

I see these places in others. There are many parts to develop in oneself as a human being.

It is the emotional parts that seem less developed in the professionals and adults I meet. They’ve yet to do that challenging work. They have not yet expanded into a place to feel all of who they are and they operate more from ego (this is what we train people in, in our culture), and less heart, a mind-y-ness,

(3rd chakra for those of you familiar with the energetics behind ‘being’).

I spent a good many years sorting through all manner of issues with a most savvy therapist, eager to understand why I did what I did and how I might shift aspects of myself to move toward a life of greater peace and in tune with some less reactive part of myself. I was eager to give up a struggle which didn’t serve me. It was GREAT work with a great mentor for sure. I value those afternoons pulling apart thoughts and feelings.

He is the person who shared, ‘you must make things what they are before you can change them.’ Indeed. And to see clearly you must tune into not just your mind, it WILL fool you, but your heart. This I know for sure.

Some of the people who I clearly have had or have ‘contracts’ with are brilliant, charismatic, loving, certainly fun or funny, but a tad dangerous in not being in touch more fully with this part of themselves.

I see the fuller person for sure, though their actions and the decisions or choices they make show me where they are less tuned in. I know, as I see myself in them. The attraction is strong.

I hold a place for them to move more fully into themselves. Similarly, I have had people hold the same for me, thereby bringing forth what is hidden in me, if I’ll trust and open my eyes and drop into my heart.

The many disguises of self

I have seen how I have deluded myself (or delude myself) when wanting instead to cover a hurt. It’s insidious. Hard for the smartest person to see. The defended self is a warrior, strong and sure in himself. We wear many cloaks of armour…

You can tell when you hear people speak, what they talk about. How they respond to what is happening around them. There is a thick coat of protective denial, the need to be right, a rigidity. This wounded ‘part’ expresses itself in so many ways. My father’s was through rage…..others a cunning logic.

When you drop into your heart….(just do it, even if you don’t think you know how), everything changes. My friend Sherry tells me that how I hold my lower jaw changes. She’s right, I can feel it. The heart is the King/Queen keeper of all. The heart rules….the mind, the body, perhaps the spirit.

I aspire to be a heartful leader, smart, savvy, open, vulnerable and on point. I’ve seen these qualities in only a handful of leaders I know, and only in moments. I am both inspired by them and feel tender toward the protected parts I feel within them. We are but mirrors to one another.

My heart is beginning to grow fuller as I meet these folks, several quite dear to me in ways. I see myself in them and have felt and feel a real connection. I know that somewhere there is a contract out on our ‘bumping into one another’. There is something to work out (each for ourselves) that the other helps present.

I’m deeply aware here. And here lies the blessing. So, I sit with all that ‘comes up’ for me with regard to people who appear somehow on my radar.

We are all gifts to one another.

And with this, meeting people, caring about them, expanding together or falling apart. I understand the necessary losses and that they are also much more. They are gains if we’ll look from a higher view. It is through bumping into one another and experiencing the hurt or defense or hubris that we can see ourselves better and have compassion for what is.

For me, this takes an uncanny courage.

My hope, as I grow forward, is that time and again those losses, which to me, with my heart open, feel less sad despite the learning and that in time, with some of the souls who have touched me, that there is a more awakened coming together to share all that has transpired, sometime before I leave the earth.

But, that’s just my ego craving comfort. It might be another lifetime for some who have crossed my path. For when there is a contract, there is a contract and what is meant to be, is just that.

I take NOTHING for granted!

BB Webb