BB Webb as BB Webb!

Exploring the Possibilities

No….I don’t mess around. August 13, 2009

When I get clear about things….I just don’t mess around. I hang on like plankton till I’m sure there is no way out, no way in, no way through or no way else. When I commit to something, damn it if I’m not in…but when I’m out….’heeeey, where’d she go??’ I just don’t like to hang around. I have other fish I’m damned if I ain’t gonna fry.

I once made a decision to move out of state on a Friday and was gone Sunday, house and LOTS of ‘stuff’moving-van loaded, animals packed, memberships dissolved. And my new house was settled by Wednesday….and no, there was no sleep in between. It’s just me. That’s how I do things. I’m a manic fool, I admit. I don’t care. I like it that way.

When I’m in, I’m in, when I’m out! Seeeeeeee yaaaaaa! And I don’t look back….at least not much. My heart might need mending (or not) and I don’t miss much once I leave…I like the thrill of unchartered territory. I like potential. I’d like to have a love interest who relishes the same.

Imagine a love affair that turns into a voyage fathoms deep, to the far edges of the moon, inside a volcano and back around and underneath the sea. Imagine the courage to keep it all moving and fresh and new….interesting, full, loving, sweet, complex, intense, angry, passionate. Someone to move from state to state with if you choose. I choose that one. Or pick me, pick me….I’ll go there.


I’m not talking roller coaster, I’m talking journey to the far reaches of possibility between two spiritually robust beings having awesome human experiences.

juggling_man

Ahhhhh, come on now….it’s just a choice. Free will, attract what you choose. Create your own miracles. Create your own shit.

I had a boyfriend once, a ridiculously tall, lovely and talented man with a Roman nose which I loved. He was eccentric and a great juggler, of all kinds of sticks and clubs and balls and such…. and very self centered, which sort of amused me. He had a temper, (though not at me) and would chase people on the sidewalks of Boston in his big orange van if they made him mad. I liked him. He was funny and a silly goose really. Talented as all get-out. We played and hung out for a number of years and when it was over….it was over. A little sadness, a little disappointment, but it was what it was. I was good at recognizing timelines back then.

I went through a period, in my 30s mostly, where I just could not see that things come and go….I was adamant on making things stick, muscling them into the way I wanted them to be, clearly missing the magic of interaction and flow. I’m getting to a place where the flow is possibly returning and I see everything as a gift. Oooooh, I can bitch and moan, but I don’t really take myself seriously….I roll with my moods, my hormones, my entertaining ups and downs. I like living large. I am amused by my own ridiculousness….much as I was by my tall Roman nosed fellow back in my Beantown days.

WatermelonSo tonight…I am all about the taste of Watermelon and how I can’t imagine not having it a regular part of my life before now. It’s succulent, (who DOESN’T like SUCCULENT), sweet, I LOVE the texture and well, it fills you up, it’s satisfying.

Yet I know, I know me….I’ll be all over nectarines or gingered pears or kiwi with a twist in a month or two. And goodness, how DID I live without THOSE???

kiwi

Everything is coming and going and coming and going. The taste of a ripe peach is so beautiful, as is the fragrance of a new attraction, the warmth of a friend who you can’t have imagined not being in your life or that snuggle your pup gives you cause you are their A #1 gal. It’s all good. Some things stay longer than others, but it all comes and goes.

I just hope to be awake while the good things pass through, because isn’t that ripe, special, deliriously lovely…the moments, the unexpected ephiphanies, the moments you experience just being alive, knowing that a new state (as in US state) or state is around every bend if you have the courage to flow…to have faith in what your heart tells you….not sweating the details. Life is so much bigger than details. Spring into summer into fall and thank GOODness for winter and spring again. It happens like clockwork, every year…as do our shifts and turns, when we trust and allow them to move us.

So…back into my night…with a full belly of watermelon, the hint of adventures to come, in work, adventures in play, perhaps reflected in the way someone holds an eyebrow, the tone in a conversation or the image you remember from a dream. The memory of a moment or the creation of a thing….or not…it doesn’t matter, it’s all rich…this moment, then that…fuel really.

I like that. I like that a lot!

BB Webb

Advertisements
 

At the end of the day…. August 12, 2009

At the end of this day…

And always a dream…always..

.

BB Webb

 

The Gift of Receiving! Part 2 August 6, 2009

So, in ‘Part 1’ I was about to discuss how a gift came beautifully my way.

I knew time away from my work and home was imminent. I’d muscled through, (with loving assistance…yes, a gift), many challenges in business, with learning to ask for what I want or need and was at a pausing point, ripe for a get-away, one of the many parts of my life I supremely enjoy…travel, adventure and discovery.

I know the value of taking myself away now and again.

I toyed with many options, a stay at the beach, a short visit to see dear friends in Chicago and Boston as most of my longtime, dear friends are scattered throughout the universe. A friend who lives in France happened to email me, (a response to a birthday wish I’d sent him four months earlier).

That’s fine…I encourage friends, people I love to be free to do or not do what they want with regard to our relating….

Ohhhhh, the subject of another blog, the beauty in allowing and not setting up stifling expectations or ‘stories’ about how one thing or another SHOULD play out in our lives. Frankly, that takes away the magic.
Again, another blog….that along with the difference I feel between being in a ‘relationship’, (again a terminology often laden with heaviness), to moment-to-moment relating, which to me is so much more freeing. happy_couple_passionately_kissing
Relationships on the other hand can be so fraught with expectation and stories taking away the very thing that attracted one person to the other and vice versa.

Courtship begins with relating. Relationships often sadly end with disappointment and unrealized expectation, or tragically stay, stuck and unmoving in such shrouds of misery.
Again, I wildly digress. Another day.

Back to my friend who sent me an email hello after 4 months before receiving mine: I had taken an intensive, mind and soul expanding workshop last summer in Normandy, France which this friend of mine masterfully taught. Our group was comprised of 30 Dutch people, as he too is from the Netherlands. I was the only one from the United States needing translation from my 30 new friends who so kindly did so for me. (Which I received from them).

My friend had shared that he’d just come off some whirlwind travels and teaching and in coming up for air to respond to my email, he noted how lovely it might be to visit with one another SOMEWHERE in the world this year, (we’d met at another workshop in Hawaii). He noted that he’d be in Greenland, Peru, France, Holland, California in the fall and Bali in a week.


Bali in a week! Almost jesting, I wrote back, ‘Bali, I’m about to take a vacation and have not yet decided where to go. I’d love to come visit you in Bali!’

A quick response back from my friend, ‘Come on over, (26 hour trip mind you), I’m arriving on the 11th, but come early, I’m renting a house there. A driver can pick you up and I have a woman keeping the house who cooks luscious Balinese food and cleans and who will do your laundry. Come enjoy, get away. Take a rest and we’ll visit.’

So I accepted! I allowed myself to receive this beautiful gift.

I had plenty of frequent flyer points to make my way over without coming out of pocket as I am tempering my spending as I move beyond a financially tough year. So hurrah! Good for me. I am manifesting GREAT things and allowing myself to accept the gifts opening up to me.

Bali, Bali, Bali

Bali, Bali, Bali

I even found that I’d made GREAT use of my American Express points by applying them as frequent flyer points. Kevin, a delightfully able and most service oriented AmX rep helped me determine the best use of my points. He noted that any ticket costing $600 or more would use the same 60,000 points and no more. So, my $1640.00 ticket was a STEAL. Good job BB. Thank you Kevin.

Bali, Bali, Bali

Bali, Bali, Bali


My early adult life taught me to be frugal when needed though it didn’t hamper my ability to travel or enjoy. Now, don’t get me wrong for an instant, I MUCH prefer traveling with dollars, yen, euros or rupia which I spent in Indonesia.

And how I loved that 1 million rupia was approximately $1.00. I felt so lavish and frivolous, spending my millions of rupia each and every day!

BB in Bali

BB in Bali

But, NOT having money wasn’t a huge limiter. Though, in that it is all energy, I am finding that as I pursue prosperity, in its many facets, that its energy and use is expansive and I do my best to apply it to all good.

Part 3 upcoming!!

BB Webb

 

Priorities are what you spend your time on… August 1, 2009

A busy week leading to a weekend with needed breathing space. Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh……

I’m mesmerized by the thought that:

‘priorities are what we spend our time on.’

I look back at my week and find myself sorting through activities now past, intentions spoken, a pile of seeming priorities laying wait for me to tend to…left like drift wood on the beach. Will I go back and pick them up?

Maybe I’ll just be moving on to new things…remembering that I have this moment, then the next and next, always fresh and always new for what I deem important or NOT, I suppose.

It’s life. Vast, open, unnamed unless we name it.

Breathing space is clearly a priority and I will fill it well this weekend and consider myself focused and fortunate that I did.

And for a moment perhaps, the army of ‘priorities’ which I carefully name and fill my ‘to do’ list with, need just wait like ready soldiers for their time.

Is that thought then an oxymoron to the whole idea of priorities being what we spend our time on…if I am willy nilly about things I say are important, tardy on tending to them as I say?

I found this intriguing video which somehow fits where I am today. Don’t know the artist, what it means, but well…… I like it.

May your priorities hug and kiss you like sweet lovers, never harsh, just present with a smile.

BB Webb

 

Dancing and Technology July 26, 2009

I love dancing…

I love technology.

I love the two combined.

Start em young I say… start em young!!

They got me…I’m buying Evian and if I weren’t locked into Verizon, TMobile might be my pick…based on their dance video…find it…it’s worth a looksie!

BB Webb

 

Holy Crap!! July 24, 2009

mother daughter 2Well, an interesting day to report indeed…..a lack of sleep, brings new light to areas within ourselves, (I find), that might need SPECIAL attention.

Soooo how might I begin this blogging report.

Isn’t it interesting how one day you have the tiger by the tail, and the next, well damn if he isn’t biting your arse. My mother, (the lovely Kitty Vogel) shared with me her philosophy on troubling issues once,

mother daughter‘Honey, here’s how I see it. We all have our weak areas, vulnerable spots, places to develop and grow. When you get overwhelmed with it all sweetheart, just focus on taking ONE file of challenges out of your ‘challenging issues’ filing cabinet a day, and work on that one issue. Just as when you’ve not had enough sleep, and I tell you to go to bed, insisting that you’ll feel better if you do, you WILL. Trust me on this, I’m your mom, I love you and I KNOW! And most of all when you forget how beautiful, talented and loved you are, see my face in your mind and you will remember. You’re my special girl and I waited a long time for you to arrive. And you did. You arrived and I love you.’

My mother was the great and masterful Oz to me and I believed her.

She’s no longer living, (actually I was sharing with a friend how a few of her ashes remain with me in a Brown Cow yogurt container which sits in another wooden box with pictures of the two of us, near my desk at work). Kitty had SUCH a full, lively, playful sense of humor, I know she would love that her bodily remains are not only strewn throughout Montana where my brothers now live, but on Carl House’s grounds and well, near me while I work, in a yogurt container. (She LOVED yogurt).

I put together a collection of works including those of Italian playwright Dario Fo while in graduate school. The piece was called, Alive and Female. I dedicated it to my mother, linking the various names she had throughout her life, from various marriages. It said:

‘To my darling mother, Kathryn Royer Vogel, Meyers, Banta, Richards, Richards, Vogel, a woman who knows change!’

I was so encouraged that at the end of her life she re-found herself, symbolically represented by taking back her former name. I feel her with me EVERY day (thank God) and appreciate it especially on days like today when I feel only my underbelly is showing, and none of the big, bold, muscle-y parts I’ve developed. But that’s okay….she’s here, and so am I and after a good night of sleep, well, I bet I’ll feel better.

And no doubt tomorrow, I’ll have a new story to write….. about what I learned.

Focusing on the love…(everything else is a big fake)…and that I don’t need to know ‘it all!’heart

And, HOLY CRAP, thank God for friends who love you enough to be real, tell you the truth, show THEMSELVES and honor your underbelly AND most of all, who love the shit out of you. Thank you Lee and 2Lu for loving ALL my parts.

BB Webb

 

If this were my last day on earth… July 19, 2009

I’m reading a small book with a big message given to me as a gift from my last intern, Erin, who worked with me throughout the spring at Carl House. I am currently busy with the day-to-day at Carl House, affording me the opportunity to work with and mentor the young women who grace our establishment. I’m very happy to have the opportunity to do so. They certainly enrich MY life and experience.

I just had a thought….(imagine that)….you might need a mood enhancing soundtrack before reading on with my lengthy post…so if you’d like, scroll below and Earl Klugh will give you the vibe I’m feeling as I write. I’m all about ‘the experience’ and to me it always needs sounds, smell, texture and great visuals, and sometimes snacks & wine!… I digress….(as usual)….

Upon leaving, my intern, Erin, gave me a small book and a fragrant candle, (mood enhancing while I read…I taught her this…ha)!! The book, The Last Lecture, was written by the late Randy Pausch, a professor of Computer Science, Human Computer Interaction and Design at Carnegie Mellon University who died of pancreatic cancer, leaving behind his beautiful wife and three young boys.

I’ve been reading this book of short chapters in bits and spurts, usually before I head off to a day of work. I’m inspired by his journey and reflections as he accessed what he felt was important with the limited time he had left on the earth, and with what was important that he left to others before departing. His book has helped me consider my approach and focus for the day, my intent with the people I come in contact with, (in particular my staff) and why and how I do what I do.

I’ve come to realize while recently reviewing my Executive Chef, the creative and multi-talented Melanie Hanke, that we are alike in our drive to create ‘the new’. I’m working to create opportunities for Melanie to showcase her talent in more creative ways beyond the GREAT work she does at Carl House, to allow her hungry creative wheels to churn, grow and flourish. She needs a big playing field, and I understand this, as so do I. And she needs support for doing this, something else I understand, AND, I also know that I am the one who can provide that!

So, back to my interns for a moment. I understand this Sunday morning two things which are very important to me, (and as I share you might reflect on your own). I love to learn and it’s important that I share what I learn….so there is perhaps a kind of ‘teacher’ drive in me. I love working with young women on the brink of their own discoveries as young adults. They are smart, open, vulnerable and need wise and compassionate direction. I may not be the best model for their very best guidance, but my desire is certainly there and I give what I can. I feel compelled to share with them the things I’ve learned, to give them better guidance than I perhaps had as a young woman of 19 or 20 years old.

Emily is my current intern, bright, eager, beautiful, (especially when she stands up straight) and disciplined. She has an apptitude for business and has demonstrated a keen ability to be a ‘driver’ when given important tasks and has been flexibile and focused in the midst of stressful situations and (positive) change within my business. She is grounded with a very ‘cool’ head. I’m very impressed with her, (and I don’t impress easily). She’s been with me only a few months, (fulltime over the summer) and I’m very proud of the work she has done here and the growth I’ve seen within her.

Our internship program at Carl House is designed so that the intern leaving must bring in new candidates before they depart and train them fully, (part of their job is also to keep our evolving intern manual up to date). I know I will miss Emily though most of all will be eager to see where her journeys take her from here and how her ‘Carl House experience’ assists her as she moves forward into other opportunities.

And now…to the handful of questions Randy Pausche’s book has raised in my head.

If I were to die in a few months, (and who knows, I may…though I’m not feeling that I will….just a hunch…I have an inner sense that I’ve some key things to do here on the planet before I jet off somewhere new)… if I DID only have limited time, what might I do differently??? Or just, what might I do differently here on out….???

Here are some of the questions I find myself asking myself this morning, as the sun pours through my bedroom windows and the crystal sphere which hangs from my large glass doors radiates gorgeous rainbows all over my walls…

1. Have I said the important things to the people I care for…enough?
2. Have I given enough of myself without concerning myself of ‘what’s in it for me?’
3. Did I test myself enough, move into the areas of passion within to make the difference I desire to make?
4. Was I patient and kind enough, to my friends, strangers, my staff, my animals?
5. Did I take good care of me…..doing what I feel is necessary to grow into the sort of human ‘bean’ I want to be.
6. Have I travelled to the many places I want to see, read the books which might expand my thinking and compassion, hungered for the right things?
7. Have I sat and listened enough, to the voices of my ‘higher self,’ the part of me that is so much wiser than the one who scurries about day to day reacting, struggling, wringing my hands with worry?
8. Have I loved enough? Have I put aside my selfish desires to fully love another or others before myself? And have I been both forgiving to others as well as myself? Enough.
9. Did I enjoy the moments I have been given more than spending time on what I WANT from my future?
10. Did I love ME, just as I am, fully, without any apologies, with gratitude, compassion and full acceptance of the unique person that I am?

To all the above….clearly not ENOUGH, though in making my list conscious to myself, I’ll endeavor onward. (and what I’m hearing in my head as I write is, ‘with ease BB darling, with ease’).

In considering my list, I know there is much more doing, being, expressing and certainly dancing and singing I’ve left to do on the planet. Living on purpose is something I realize too at 20 years old, you don’t know so well. I value the people who seem to show up in my life, (seemingly for no particular reason, but I’m smarter than that), as they clearly are adept guides for me….all of them. Some stay with us a lifetime and others for a summer, still others, you just don’t know why they’ve shown up or for how long, and that’s okay.

I’m endeavoring to stay ‘out of the way’ (don’t know how else to express that), as I know miracles are at work in my life, (and yours) everyday. I do know that it is important, (to me), to express what I feel, (traaa la, la, a Blog to the Universe), to better understand me, so I might BETTER work to share a message that might help someone else.

I also know…in not just reading Randy’s book, but in considering my own life journey,

it’s about serving others,

through my passions, the things which drive me, excite and fuel me, the stuff that MAKES me want to get up in the morning to see the rainbows on my wall, to sing and dance….for that IS me. And the other things….the people who show up to perhaps aggrevate me, (for good cause) or ‘fluff’ me up, just the vehicles which work to transport any of us in our journeys forward.

Gaaaawd I’m deep this morning.

We’re not meant to be alone, and not crowded either. I like the idea of interdependence. I need people and they need me.

So today, I’m thanking the special people who have shown up, in so many different forms, for ME! You KNOW who you are….so feel my long and lingering hug. Especially long and lingering to a few. Please.

And a song to celebrate just that! I couldn’t find James Taylor singing this, but love Earl Klugh’s instrumental of this favorite song of mine, (I have many)…..So, here’s the link and JT’s words below….(if you don’t already have it playing in the background)!

Long Ago and Far Away, Lyrics by James Taylor

Long ago a young man sits and plays his waiting game
But things are not the same it seems as in such tender dreams
Slowly passing sailing ships and Sunday afternoon
Like people on the moon I see are things not meant to be

Where do those golden rainbows end?
Why is this song so sad?
Dreaming the dreams I’ve dreamed my friends
Loving the love I love

To love is just a word I’ve heard when things are being said
Stories my poor head has told me cannot stand the cold
And in between what might have been and what has come to pass
A misbegotten guess alas and bits of broken glass

Where do the golden rainbows end?
And why is this song so sad?
Dreaming the dreams I dream my friend
Loving the love I love to love to love to love to love

BB Webb