BB Webb as BB Webb!

Exploring the Possibilities

With LOVE AND LAUGHTER??????? August 14, 2009

‘Facing Cancer….with Love and Laughter.’

WHAT???? Don’t just HOLD the bus, STOP the damn thing!!! What??? Chill with the jargon and happy smiles folks. ‘Love and Laughter’??? Love, okay….but laughter?? There is NOTHING I’d find one damn bit funny about learning I had cancer. And don’t give me, ‘well, their sentiment.’ Morons. Really. I have more than a bee in my bonnet or burr in my behind!

So, my friend has cancer, it was affirmed today along with a measurement of severity. Not a ‘walk in the park’ day.

I hate most institutions. I don’t use the word hate often, but I’m pissed. My friend and I both were pissed. Not only did the beige walls, benign magazines ipe-mammogramand musac in the cancer waiting room insult my sensibilities, but the fact that the only food in the hospital break room was total junk and every nurse or hospital employee who came in while I tapped at my computer, (waiting for my friend), was fatter than pigs fed antibiotic induced Twinkie rations 8 times a day. They were enormous, unhealthy and spoke about NOTHING but dieting….EVERY woman who walked through those doors.

Our culture, our society, our institutions, are mindless. Generally speaking I’ll stick with that. I’d love to read the vision, mission and culture statements in that hospital. But I’m serious, as a heart attack or the cancer my friend was supposed to be facing ‘with laughter.’

I have mentioned my savvy and talented business coach, the delightfully mysterious (he thinks he’s mysterious…I think he’s funny and fun), and smart, (smarty pants really), tell it like it is, Brian Patrick Cork. I struggled last week trying to find the language for what I’m endeavoring to develop and uncover, not just as a business woman, (that’s an inch of who I am), but the other 11 feet and 11 inches which is packed full of other things; it’s the stuff you can’t name exactly, it’s the part that is with us when we die, it’s the part that makes us who we are…if we’re not numbed and dumb with food, alcohol, prescription drugs, too many kids to care for to think, or being ‘engaged’ in mindless, stupid jobs working for some big institution which has lost touch, or never ‘touched’ into anything dealing with more than a symptom or an axiom, their ‘truth’ proselytized by some coalition of numb-nutts out to rule the world.

I’m after something ‘bigger’, not for ‘biggness’ sake, but because I must. I must seek a truth that works for me. I must seek something which makes sense and makes me want to get up in the morning, to do good, to make a difference or why get up at all. It’s important to me.

So I took my friend to a restaurant called, ‘The Last Resort.’ Really. We worked on a strategy while downing a margarita….just cause we could…and it felt right. Noon on a Thursday, dealing with cancer at The Last Resort. Life is filled with irony. Iconic AND ironic!

Irony soothes

Irony soothes

Healing is about not just the whole body or whole person, it’s about the whole spirit. For cancer to get to be CANCER, a lot of other things have sadly been neglected, unattended, left to randomly spin out of control. Cancer is cells out of control, like the nurses, pounding Doritos followed by peanut M&Ms. I saw it.

Good God….Or the doctor who couldn’t look my friend in the eyes when he told her she had cancer swarming in her left breast….who had to tell her the mass had been there since 2001 but wasn’t big enough for them to tell her. They forgot early on to consider this whole and beautiful person sitting before them. And they forgot today as well.

I want my life to represent the part that helps us wake up to our own power to heal, to be in our passion, our truth, our glory whatever the hell that is. How do people get to the place where they can’t look another lovely human being in the eyeballs when they announce a possible death sentence.

Under all this anger….I’m really very, very sad. Disappointed. How did we all get so numb, stupid and out of touch? All these Christian ‘good people’. What happened? Really, what happened? When did it all get so skewed?

So yeah, I’m pissed, I’m bothered by an organization with so much money and so much influence and so much unawareness that their marketing department would consider putting ‘Facing Cancer with Love & Laughter’ on their flyer. I’m typing with my mouth hanging open ready to swallow a fly.

My friend will be fine. I have an arsenal of strategies to go with her chemo that’ll get her body, mind and that gorgeous, (albiet cynical) spirit of hers back and running. She’ll have to change a few things in her life, tend to taking care of herself in a different way.

If I end up in some institution because one thing or another happens to me, please, please do a Dr. Kavorkian on me and put me out of my misery. Oh, maybe the musac will do that on its own.

How I relish soul. How I relish ‘awake’. How I relish ketchup on my soy dog and filtered walter in my tap.

Wake up America. If we keep doing all the dumb, mindless shit that our neighbors do, we’ll get their same results. Go travel awhile…see other ways of living, being and doing. Wake up. Wake up and fill yourself with love and laughter. But please, please don’t end up in an institution where someone is so numb they’d expect you to deal with a life threatening malady with a platitude suggesting you THROW your head back in joy, embrace laughter as the drip, drip of chemo further pollutes your body temple while watching the overfed nursing staff pounding down their coca colas and pork rinds.

I’d say fill my tap with morphine and let me float with the angels….I’ve got other fish to fly with.

You’re gonna be fine my friend, have no fear…there are other ways…there are other ways to live and breathe.

P.S. My friend was last seen in a Dunkin Donuts with a water pistol shooting anyone who entered wearing pink. I think she was laughing.

BB Webb

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No….I don’t mess around. August 13, 2009

When I get clear about things….I just don’t mess around. I hang on like plankton till I’m sure there is no way out, no way in, no way through or no way else. When I commit to something, damn it if I’m not in…but when I’m out….’heeeey, where’d she go??’ I just don’t like to hang around. I have other fish I’m damned if I ain’t gonna fry.

I once made a decision to move out of state on a Friday and was gone Sunday, house and LOTS of ‘stuff’moving-van loaded, animals packed, memberships dissolved. And my new house was settled by Wednesday….and no, there was no sleep in between. It’s just me. That’s how I do things. I’m a manic fool, I admit. I don’t care. I like it that way.

When I’m in, I’m in, when I’m out! Seeeeeeee yaaaaaa! And I don’t look back….at least not much. My heart might need mending (or not) and I don’t miss much once I leave…I like the thrill of unchartered territory. I like potential. I’d like to have a love interest who relishes the same.

Imagine a love affair that turns into a voyage fathoms deep, to the far edges of the moon, inside a volcano and back around and underneath the sea. Imagine the courage to keep it all moving and fresh and new….interesting, full, loving, sweet, complex, intense, angry, passionate. Someone to move from state to state with if you choose. I choose that one. Or pick me, pick me….I’ll go there.


I’m not talking roller coaster, I’m talking journey to the far reaches of possibility between two spiritually robust beings having awesome human experiences.

juggling_man

Ahhhhh, come on now….it’s just a choice. Free will, attract what you choose. Create your own miracles. Create your own shit.

I had a boyfriend once, a ridiculously tall, lovely and talented man with a Roman nose which I loved. He was eccentric and a great juggler, of all kinds of sticks and clubs and balls and such…. and very self centered, which sort of amused me. He had a temper, (though not at me) and would chase people on the sidewalks of Boston in his big orange van if they made him mad. I liked him. He was funny and a silly goose really. Talented as all get-out. We played and hung out for a number of years and when it was over….it was over. A little sadness, a little disappointment, but it was what it was. I was good at recognizing timelines back then.

I went through a period, in my 30s mostly, where I just could not see that things come and go….I was adamant on making things stick, muscling them into the way I wanted them to be, clearly missing the magic of interaction and flow. I’m getting to a place where the flow is possibly returning and I see everything as a gift. Oooooh, I can bitch and moan, but I don’t really take myself seriously….I roll with my moods, my hormones, my entertaining ups and downs. I like living large. I am amused by my own ridiculousness….much as I was by my tall Roman nosed fellow back in my Beantown days.

WatermelonSo tonight…I am all about the taste of Watermelon and how I can’t imagine not having it a regular part of my life before now. It’s succulent, (who DOESN’T like SUCCULENT), sweet, I LOVE the texture and well, it fills you up, it’s satisfying.

Yet I know, I know me….I’ll be all over nectarines or gingered pears or kiwi with a twist in a month or two. And goodness, how DID I live without THOSE???

kiwi

Everything is coming and going and coming and going. The taste of a ripe peach is so beautiful, as is the fragrance of a new attraction, the warmth of a friend who you can’t have imagined not being in your life or that snuggle your pup gives you cause you are their A #1 gal. It’s all good. Some things stay longer than others, but it all comes and goes.

I just hope to be awake while the good things pass through, because isn’t that ripe, special, deliriously lovely…the moments, the unexpected ephiphanies, the moments you experience just being alive, knowing that a new state (as in US state) or state is around every bend if you have the courage to flow…to have faith in what your heart tells you….not sweating the details. Life is so much bigger than details. Spring into summer into fall and thank GOODness for winter and spring again. It happens like clockwork, every year…as do our shifts and turns, when we trust and allow them to move us.

So…back into my night…with a full belly of watermelon, the hint of adventures to come, in work, adventures in play, perhaps reflected in the way someone holds an eyebrow, the tone in a conversation or the image you remember from a dream. The memory of a moment or the creation of a thing….or not…it doesn’t matter, it’s all rich…this moment, then that…fuel really.

I like that. I like that a lot!

BB Webb

 

At the end of the day…. August 12, 2009

At the end of this day…

And always a dream…always..

.

BB Webb

 

The Gift of Receiving! Part 3 August 9, 2009

So….’The Gift of Receiving Part 3.’ I’ve been chatting about….oooh……..this and that….our ability to receive, accept the cool things which come our way…..I invite you to read on….

The other evening, when shopping at Nordstom’s ‘Off the Rack’, I had to call my dear friend 2Lu to say…’Oh my God 2Lu…you’ll never believe what I have in my hands…the most gorgeous little black, short sleeved top which fits perfectly. It says size 4 (I should of known then it was a top name brand, women like to feel small, and men want to be BIG and the top names play to this need). Size 4 I clearly am not. I am a broad shouldered 8 or 6. My body likes where it is.

I told my friend that at first I thought it was marked down to $1.99. I am rather proud of the fact that I can put together an ensemble of clothing, jewelry, shoes and the attitude to go with it at the cost of a carnival ride, and look great! I laughed out loud telling my friend that I just then noticed it was Armani and the original price was $324.00, marked down to $199.00, (not the thrift store price of $1.99 which I assumed it to be), and now $89.99.

UNflippin believable!!!

Now, don’t get me wrong, it was a beautifully fitting, decently made garment with lovely fabric, though as simple to make as hot coffee and no doubt cost as much to make. Talk about profit margin. Maybe I’m in the wrong business. I just don’t get it!

I realized then that I am all about two things, (well many more really, but here are two), quality and value. (I’ve not forgotten my receiving premise, hang with me). I’m not a cheap person, never have been. I’ve been frugal at my most opulent times and lavish when I didn’t have a dime. I feel certain that there will be a time in my life and career when I might give mightily to one charity, trust or cause, be able to travel whenever and wherever, stay at the most lush and expensive hotel I choose and buy whatever I might imagine at whatever obscene price it’s being played out on the market.

However…..allow me please to repeat that….HOWEVER….. I feel certain I will pick and choose with regard to what makes sense to me. A well made suit holds an energy that one of less quality does not hold. How and when that is important, to me, will be the question.

Priorities are indeed what we spend our time AND our money on.
So, if you are still with me…back to receiving. Having accepted my Bali surprise vacation and gift (see my last blog entry), I feel I am doing better at receiving and just saying thank you to the Universe or whoever might be the one giving to me. How funny then that last month I misplaced (carelessly lost), BOTH my coveted iPod AND my camera, two pieces of technology, (thank goodness I still have my Blackberry).

No music!!! No camera!!! I adore both. I listen to music and sing and dance daily….it’s part of who I am. I take photos at every switch and turn, I frame them, I give them away, I document my journeys. What is THIS about?

My father once showed me a pair of shoes he had for 25 years. He was a World War II survivor, (literally, Purple Heart and all), with a mother who seemed to value manners and cleanliness more than she did the demonstration and education in how to love. My father taught me the importance of caring for my ‘things’ and generally I do.

I remember being aghast at my first Christmas with my former husband, (we were still dating) and his then VERY small children, 3, 6 and 8. Money was very tight for me and I remember painstakingly picking out special gifts for his children, wrapping them with great care, placing them just so under the Christmas tree. Much to my horror, their Christmas ritual was much different from mine; his children entered the house, ran to the tree and within 10 short minutes had torn open their plethora of gifts, toys, games, clothes. Gifts lay strewn throughout the room like wounded soldiers.

I remember having to back away feeling terrificially nauseous. My gifts were thrown about, hidden under wrapping, never used and well, no thank you. As I helped clean up I noticed that one had already been broken. I wish I’d known about managing my expectations back then. Maybe I just needed to buy better gifts. Disappointing. It’s clearly time for me to change and to stop expecting that the world will. Rather arrogant really of me to think the latter!

So, iPod and camera gone. I went through an old feeling of lack and fear of not having enough to get by, (I’ve been there) to a more sensible disappointment, (there it is again), in being so careless and feeling on the wrong side of due diligence in wasting money as of course I needed to have both, music and images being so central to my day-to-day living.

So, I walked into Best Buy and Mike and I became instant pals. He knew technology and I love to learn. When he shared that he was paid by the hour and had plenty of time to help me make my decision, I was relieved, (goodness knows I’d hate to burden the clerk who is paid to help me when he could be helping others). Another win, I let him care for ME. ‘Good BB, good girl. You’re allowed to be cared for. People often want to’. Okay, good news. Maybe it’ll soon sink in.

Well, I didn’t go for the ‘Armani’ camera, but a certain level of quality and function was imperative to me despite wanting to watch my spending on these recently lost items of mine. So, I chose the Nikon with the great focus options and the high pixels, despite the crappy AA batteries I had to buy and the recharger. Damn. That ALMOST made me go to a lesser model, (on principal really), but no, focus is important to me and I didn’t’ mind that the camera was a bit bigger than the sexy, small, colorful ones. Stature is fine with me and just as I don’t care to be a size 4, I also don’t mind carrying a bit of a larger camera to get the images I want and frankly NEED. Ahhh, so we’re talking NEED now.

Ooooh, am I really expanding my ability to manifest based on what I feel is possible, what I now seem to feel I NEED? That black Armani shell is seeming more attractive to me.

My thinking around this whole Bali trip, losing my camera and iPod, receiving, allowing, giving was brewing inside me as Mike and I picked my memory cards and cute cases for holding my iPod for when I worked out. I’d model the carrying case and he’d give me a thumbs up or down. (I love twenty-somethings, they know the importance of sexy with technology!) I could feel logic kicking in – ‘so, I saved on the airline ticket, even came out ahead with my frequent flyer points….hmmmmm, so, does my need to purchase $800 worth of music capability and photographic clarity nix this gift?’

Then came my big ‘aha’. My gift was certainly not nixed, it rather expanded my ability to imagine my own abundance and prosperity. It allowed me to see the loss of my camera and iPod as a sort of tithing to the universe. Someone, somewhere was having a ball no doubt with either one of my lost items and purchased iTunes. Maybe they hadn’t yet imagined their own abundance and prosperity and my gift to them was the ability to imagine or see it! Grand!

AND, my greater gift was a snazzy new camera. (oh it’s fine, despite the deplorable battery design) and an iPod now that will hold many more tunes, carry my photos, connect me to the internet and well, I think it’ll do my laundry if I can just find the right button. Damn, I may break down shortly and buy some REALLY good speakers for home listening!!

What a gift and what a grand receiver I’m becoming.
Here’s to living better, making conscious choices and hey, REEEEEEEALLY enjoying your life!!

And…..P.S.

….speaking of gifts….might I mention one of my favorite characters in a film…John Coffey from ‘The Green Mile’. MV5BMTc0MDkxODY5MV5BMl5BanBnXkFtZTYwMDg2NTY3._V1._SX400_SY267_He was a man with a gift who clearly gifted others. A hug to John Coffey, a beautiful man played soulfully by actor Michael Clarke Duncan. ‘The Green Mile’ was directed by Frank Darabont.

Film reflecting life!

BB Webb

 

The Gift of Receiving! Part 2 August 6, 2009

So, in ‘Part 1’ I was about to discuss how a gift came beautifully my way.

I knew time away from my work and home was imminent. I’d muscled through, (with loving assistance…yes, a gift), many challenges in business, with learning to ask for what I want or need and was at a pausing point, ripe for a get-away, one of the many parts of my life I supremely enjoy…travel, adventure and discovery.

I know the value of taking myself away now and again.

I toyed with many options, a stay at the beach, a short visit to see dear friends in Chicago and Boston as most of my longtime, dear friends are scattered throughout the universe. A friend who lives in France happened to email me, (a response to a birthday wish I’d sent him four months earlier).

That’s fine…I encourage friends, people I love to be free to do or not do what they want with regard to our relating….

Ohhhhh, the subject of another blog, the beauty in allowing and not setting up stifling expectations or ‘stories’ about how one thing or another SHOULD play out in our lives. Frankly, that takes away the magic.
Again, another blog….that along with the difference I feel between being in a ‘relationship’, (again a terminology often laden with heaviness), to moment-to-moment relating, which to me is so much more freeing. happy_couple_passionately_kissing
Relationships on the other hand can be so fraught with expectation and stories taking away the very thing that attracted one person to the other and vice versa.

Courtship begins with relating. Relationships often sadly end with disappointment and unrealized expectation, or tragically stay, stuck and unmoving in such shrouds of misery.
Again, I wildly digress. Another day.

Back to my friend who sent me an email hello after 4 months before receiving mine: I had taken an intensive, mind and soul expanding workshop last summer in Normandy, France which this friend of mine masterfully taught. Our group was comprised of 30 Dutch people, as he too is from the Netherlands. I was the only one from the United States needing translation from my 30 new friends who so kindly did so for me. (Which I received from them).

My friend had shared that he’d just come off some whirlwind travels and teaching and in coming up for air to respond to my email, he noted how lovely it might be to visit with one another SOMEWHERE in the world this year, (we’d met at another workshop in Hawaii). He noted that he’d be in Greenland, Peru, France, Holland, California in the fall and Bali in a week.


Bali in a week! Almost jesting, I wrote back, ‘Bali, I’m about to take a vacation and have not yet decided where to go. I’d love to come visit you in Bali!’

A quick response back from my friend, ‘Come on over, (26 hour trip mind you), I’m arriving on the 11th, but come early, I’m renting a house there. A driver can pick you up and I have a woman keeping the house who cooks luscious Balinese food and cleans and who will do your laundry. Come enjoy, get away. Take a rest and we’ll visit.’

So I accepted! I allowed myself to receive this beautiful gift.

I had plenty of frequent flyer points to make my way over without coming out of pocket as I am tempering my spending as I move beyond a financially tough year. So hurrah! Good for me. I am manifesting GREAT things and allowing myself to accept the gifts opening up to me.

Bali, Bali, Bali

Bali, Bali, Bali

I even found that I’d made GREAT use of my American Express points by applying them as frequent flyer points. Kevin, a delightfully able and most service oriented AmX rep helped me determine the best use of my points. He noted that any ticket costing $600 or more would use the same 60,000 points and no more. So, my $1640.00 ticket was a STEAL. Good job BB. Thank you Kevin.

Bali, Bali, Bali

Bali, Bali, Bali


My early adult life taught me to be frugal when needed though it didn’t hamper my ability to travel or enjoy. Now, don’t get me wrong for an instant, I MUCH prefer traveling with dollars, yen, euros or rupia which I spent in Indonesia.

And how I loved that 1 million rupia was approximately $1.00. I felt so lavish and frivolous, spending my millions of rupia each and every day!

BB in Bali

BB in Bali

But, NOT having money wasn’t a huge limiter. Though, in that it is all energy, I am finding that as I pursue prosperity, in its many facets, that its energy and use is expansive and I do my best to apply it to all good.

Part 3 upcoming!!

BB Webb

 

Priorities are what you spend your time on… August 1, 2009

A busy week leading to a weekend with needed breathing space. Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh……

I’m mesmerized by the thought that:

‘priorities are what we spend our time on.’

I look back at my week and find myself sorting through activities now past, intentions spoken, a pile of seeming priorities laying wait for me to tend to…left like drift wood on the beach. Will I go back and pick them up?

Maybe I’ll just be moving on to new things…remembering that I have this moment, then the next and next, always fresh and always new for what I deem important or NOT, I suppose.

It’s life. Vast, open, unnamed unless we name it.

Breathing space is clearly a priority and I will fill it well this weekend and consider myself focused and fortunate that I did.

And for a moment perhaps, the army of ‘priorities’ which I carefully name and fill my ‘to do’ list with, need just wait like ready soldiers for their time.

Is that thought then an oxymoron to the whole idea of priorities being what we spend our time on…if I am willy nilly about things I say are important, tardy on tending to them as I say?

I found this intriguing video which somehow fits where I am today. Don’t know the artist, what it means, but well…… I like it.

May your priorities hug and kiss you like sweet lovers, never harsh, just present with a smile.

BB Webb

 

Gutters and such… July 27, 2009

When I was a kid, maybe 9 or 10…my pal, and cohort in adventure and all things fun, the rosy cheeked Ann Murray and I would play house, (along with all manner of games). But ‘house’ was fun. We would pretend we ruled the roost, and not our moms.

Now, I am told by an authority greater than myself, that something curious happened to me around 7 or so…maybe one of those life events where you put up armor to protect SOMETHING or other. We all have our shields…it’s normal. Nevertheless, I do recall at around 8 or 9 years of age that safety became important to me, a sense of order.

Well, in looking back, year 10 of MY life was about year 17 of my parent’s hapless marriage. I felt the cracks, the disintegration…children feel it all. To manage the impending doom I felt in a family that had uneven emotional stability ANYway, I resorted to making sure my drawers and cupboards were in order, that my fish food was lined up ‘just so’ and my clothes were neatly folded. When I played ‘house’ with Ann, we’d start each session with a proclamation on my part that: ‘and the whole house is CLEAN, even the gutters!’ (Ann was waaaaay tolerant…my FIRST ‘best’ friend)!

Incredible that! I needed something to control, something that felt safe and orderly, certainly our family dynamics weren’t. dirty_gutters3

At 12 my parents divorced. I was roller skating on our drive at 2525 Old Orchard Road. Nice weather, me just going round and round. Mom came out to tell me that she and Dad were divorcing. I only remember a brief pause in my skating and then a feeling of relief thinking, ‘whewww, that’s good, it’s so TENSE when he’s around!’

Imagine!

Kids I think can handle MUCH more than we give them credit for, but they need to be kept in the loop, appropriate to what their age can handle. And of course love need be consistently applied.

I felt it all, knew things weren’t right, for God’s sake, my mom lost all kinds of weight that year and actually LOST HER VOICE for several weeks. Our bodies do NOT lie.

We are hit spiritually, emotionally and THEN stuff lands in our bodies. Dis-ease, turns to disease. I know.

I will never let anyone tell me any more that something is wrong with me, with how I feel or with my body or my mind. I know what I feel and my body and mind react accordingly. We’re all so VERY okay if we’ll just tune in and TRUST what the hell we’re feeling.

I’m serious as a heart attack. And my Dad might have prevented his (heart attack), if he’d felt stuff a little more, poor dear.

But we’re a ‘numb out’ culture…a lot of ‘sumpin-sumpin-sumpin-aholics.’ Fill in the blank. My family was notorious at shuffling feelings under the rug and then….’let’s go have a cocktail!!!’ And hey, don’t get me wrong, there is a big difference between a few cocktails and an addiction… and I love a soulful glass of red wine….I’m talking about the stuff we do so we don’t feel. There IS a difference.

And let’s face it….it’s challenging to FEEL everything that comes our way. We live in a zippy culture.

But back to me and Ann. So, ready for house, gutters clean, I’d do this funky ‘cleansing breath’ thing, (at 10….who the heck WAS this nutty kid). Somehow I was breathing out the shitty stuff and bringing in the new. (Well, perhaps I was/AM certifiably ‘something,’ but don’t spread the word…til now it’s been a secret)!!

Well, I still prefer a neat desk but I’m not fanatical, (my employees think I am), but I do realize we all are SO different…not wrong, right, just DIFFERENT.

All this came to mind today when I went over to Carl House to pay the guy who was cleaning our gutters. They hadn’t been done in WAAAY too long and well, stuff was falling out and inside was terribly ‘gooed’ up from decaying leaves and such.

It felt good to have our gutters cleaned at my business. It feels good to have the old gunk removed, moving forward with MUCH better information for doing so than when I was 10!

I’m reminded to talk to the people I love…to tell them what’s going on. And hey,….don’t worry if your ‘gutters’ build up with goo every now and again, just have ’em cleaned, take a cleansing breath… and you’ll feel shiny and new!

BB Webb