BB Webb as BB Webb!

Exploring the Possibilities

Woman-kind. A gift doubled and squared! January 4, 2011

Three generations! Lucky me!

Our nuclear family, as we all know, is not what Ozzie and Harriet portrayed in the 50s….not one bit. I own and run a special event venue…..a lovely one in fact. I get teary with each bride I send down the aisle….hopeful that what they are putting out to the Universe, hopes, dreams what-have-you….might blister….bad word, unfold with beauty and ease.

More often than not, the unfolding of any relationship HAS its blisters. Yep, part of the learning curve. Our options though are numerous (as women) compared to the days when Mr. Cleaver, “Beaver’s Dad’, ran the roost.

Last evening I spent my time with a cackle (the words bouncing in my head this evening surprise me)….I meant that in the most affectionate terms, me one of the ‘cacklers’….a cackle of women related through love, chance encounters, marriage, divorce.

Sweet Emily....from 8 years old to 21 in a blink!

Pictured below is my former husband’s other former wife, (we call one another ‘wife in laws’) and his mother, in the pretty bow….and his former wife’s (not me, the other one), mother and my lovely step daughter who will always be my step daughter. A finer group of women I’ve chance to meet.

Oh....the places we've gone, the places we'll go!

We have one man in common who is ‘Dad’, ‘son’, ‘son-in-law’, was ‘husband’ now ‘former husband’ to us separately. He brought us all together. I’m grateful for these big hearts who welcomed me into their fold. I welcome their friendship as my relationship with the father of her children, the son to his mom, the Daddy to one precious child and son-in-law, shifted places and roles in my world. These ladies, their love toward me….I’ve found is not conditional. Wow! Nooooo, really, WOW!

These are women big of heart, loving despite their own trials and to me very, very special indeed.

Hats off to the ladies who lunch, dinner, drink and stay together! You are always and forever welcome, whereever I am.

With love,

BB Webb

 

The Many Parts of We September 20, 2010

BB and her brother's friend Joey Shine....18, 19 years old...and with my dog Kate. There should always be a dog....as they have SO much to teach us! Fearlessness for one!

I am considering this evening the many parts of we….all of us, me, the people I know, the ones I know well, others not so, and the new ones gracing my world who I’m eager to know better…..then I consider, that less confident side of myself….’.if I don’t muck up!’ Quite a comment for an otherwise confident person.

Oh the many parts of we.

When something good comes in, I find it hard to consider losing it….funny when we’ve been forever without it. Like the sound of a new song, the taste of something pleasurably new, a touch you’ve not felt, as soon as you’ve had it, going without seems as though it might break your heart.

I’m considering how clear certain people seem, about life, about themselves, confident, complicated perhaps but having learned ways to deal with their own complexities. And I consider my own complexities and defense structures that I’ve not yet learned to manage as well as I might. My world has layers. My heart has the most….perhaps for all of us.

And in certain situations I listen to the words coming from my mouth and I wonder, ‘why or where did THAT come from’…..a jagged comment, a mask to what’s really behind and it disarms me…..usually after its done its damage, and later on, when the ridiculous-ness of that moment in time hits me, and usually quite hard, I wish I would have not reacted so quickly, thoughtlessly.

Behind our masks are places as tender as an oyster’s belly. And should those places be nurtured and cared for, with hearts willing to embrace all our edges, pieces and moments, oooh the pearl that might develop.

And if I could but meditate quietly, or with Osho’s tapes, moving dancing, shaking lose the pieces which jump in to sabotage, hide, or inhibit the lovely vulnerability which we are, oh the miracles which might unfold.

Funny how at 20 I didn’t think about these things. There was less to seemingly defend.

Even funnier, it’s the same now as it was then…though life and our experience of it makes us forget. So, I’m having a little talk with myself about it all and hope I’ll listen. White knuckles….I’m on pins and needles!

I should have been a dog!

BB Webb

 

Dig Deeper… July 19, 2010

for your passion….for your heart….let it rip….and then rip some more.

Thank you Janis.

BB Webb

 

Dreamer? Romantic?? Me??? September 26, 2009

Photo by Lori Suzanne photography

Photo by Lori Suzanne photography

Well, I am the person who just wrote about the challenge of my constant distractions.

Photo by Sarah Eubanks photography

Photo by Sarah Eubanks photography

Yes, I am, (a dreamer….), I love to create cool stuff, can spend hours and hours in contemplation or writing about all manner of things, (useful or not), concocting adventures for sure, and entertainments, certainly dinner soirees with what I feel are interesting, fun people, imagining ‘neat’ stuff; I get lost in great films, (watch them over and over), I love romance, adore big hearted, smart, manly, open minded, FUN, passionate men, (who have their own interests and share some of mine).

I crumble when I see things of beauty, movies and stupid Hallmark Card commercials. And don’t even think of getting me to watch the public announcements around pets in need. I’m inconsolable for at least a day. I believe in the idea of marriage though am well aware of its challenges and the complex and difficult culture we live in, the impact of our ridiculous media, our interpretations of what ‘love’ ‘should’ be and the limitations of being human, male versus female, and living for 70 plus years, certainly with one partner. That’s another Blog. I don’t share the beliefs of many, but I’ve only lived in my skin, so I’m limited.

And yes, I am often disappointed by moment to moment ‘reality’ yet encouraged daily by the next moment around the bend.

Then today, while doing the interminable edits needed on most any evolving business website, (and FYI, we have a brand, spanking, shiny new one coming in about 2 months),

Photo by Lori Suzanne photography

Photo by Lori Suzanne photography

I was editing our Carl House website and viewed again the lovely work of Steve Schumacher. He is a visiting videographer to Carl House and created a three minute video of a beautiful wedding at Carl House.

http://atlantaweddingmemories.com/carlhouse.

Steve used Colbie Caillat’s song ‘Magic’, which frankly, rips me up every damn time I listen to it. It’s so fun to be ‘in love’, despite all the potential ‘work’ involved. I like work that leads to something better….that goes somewhere!

If you need a memory of why you got married perhaps, or the possibility of things to come, watch Steve’s video, it’s full of so much love and hope and well, I think it shares a lovely sentiment. And topped with Colbie Caillat’s sweet song….good Lord, bring a hankie!

When I think about it, nothing much else matters but love….being loving. I mean that. Learning how, there’s the rub. And I mean to ourselves as well. How well do you love on YOU? Take care of YOU?? There is always this and then the next moment to practice. Every day a new opportunity. I like that.

Life on this planet is just too short to not be fulfilled in the ways we all imagine and deserve. So go for it says I….love on, love on!! Oh, and I hope you’ll share your stories of how well you did!

(And yes, all the above photos were taken at the lovely Carl House)!

BB Webb

 

When is loving just not so… September 21, 2009

I have something I’m wrangling with today…the notion of how to really love well. I was thinking today about how mothers or fathers, husbands, wives, in an effort to ‘take care of’ each other, children, often love ‘too well’ or really not well at all when they steal the opportunity for another to find their way.

funny-cat-picture-cute-kitty-pic-kitten-looking-in-mirror-seeing-a-lion

I’m sometimes summed up, mostly by male people, as, ‘you don’t need anyone, you’re independent’. Well yes, I am independent, but not needing anyone…certainly not. I’m human….to the core and marrow. I know how to take care of myself, and, when I’m being a savvy leader, provide for myself and take care of my debts, but not needing anyone, hardly. Ask my friends. They know. Good God they know.

Though here is where I tilt my head with quandary. I like the idea of interdependence. We need one another to thrive, to become further who we are. We need others to help reflect who we are back to ourselves. I know this. I have good reflectors in my life at this point in time, that was not always so.

However, I see parents, and spouses, ‘caretaking’ and that is different. Only the needy, the ones disabled, the sick, babies, small children, animals we adopt, need caretaking. A wife who is provided for may never learn if she married young, how to provide and discover her abilities for herself. And what a sad thing that is. And as she grows older, not feeling at home in her skin, it is her spouse she will reflect anger toward, not even knowing why. Please consider my intent with this thought and example…

I am aware of the keen difference between ‘caretaking’ and ‘supporting’ another. I choose to be supportive though choose not to care-take those whose right it is to learn how to care for themselves. That to me is more loving. Co-dependence serves no one.

I’d fuuuuume when my mother would dive into the brownie batter just as I was struggling and near to getting the lumps out. She would take over and I’d miss my chance to find out how good I could be, how able I was.

Mommy!!!!

Mommy!!!!

We do this with our children, don’t we! In an effort to move things along, get the job done, hurry along…we mess with their process of ‘becoming’. A good teacher is a rare person to find. I’ve had only a few REALLY good teachers…masters, despite their perfect flaws, which they all had. (And that was good for me to experience as well. Their humanity made the teachings more relevant).

It feels good to earn our stripes, to test our meddle, to become exhausted with our efforts to do well. It is essential for growth.

I am earning and have earned many stripes and I imagine will until I’m gray headed, (though you’ll never know I am as red will be my badge of courage).

There is something to be said for the struggle. There is no adventure without struggle. And, I must remind myself that I am all for adventure. So, tally ho indeed.

I’ve quoted, (paraphrased) Mr. Jung before, ‘love is the process of GENTLY guiding someone into themselves.’ I relish the ‘gently’. That is loving. There is enough harshness in our world. Gently is good.

Love to you and those you love and peace to my tormenters, always. You make me more of who I am becoming and I thank you for that…I deeply thank you for that.

BB Webb

 

Navigating anew September 3, 2009

Blue Atlas Cedar

Blue Atlas Cedar

I was leaving work this evening around 7pm, the beginning of autumn promising crisp, starry nights, (a harbinger friend of fall told me so), sweaters and robust red wine drunk on my porch with a fire blazing, a must at my home. (One of my favorite things to do with people I care about).

So yes, there I was walking out from a day, a week, a month, oh, really a year of so much. The tipping point has indeed come and suddenly I am noticing that just as my GPS failed to work this week, (for once I got the extended warranty and it paid off), but that I have needed to ‘navigate anew’, as the old pathways don’t work anymore. Of course it broke!! You can’t follow the same maps when you are going somewhere new! Any road warrior knows that….and I’m certainly a traveler in life this particular ‘go ’round’.

Similarly, as I shared in an earlier post, I dropped my old PC on my wooden stairs, and though she seemed to crumble into a hundred small pieces, she was not gone altogether and limped along til I got my new Apple Pro. Yet such irony.

My old operating system was petering out, my GPS failed….truly signs and symbols to what is occurring on a grander scale. When I am awake I see these things….and I endeavor to be just that. My evening slumber only fuels me to work another day to stay awake.

So, this week the compass turned a notch more and I could feel my sails billow with excitement, much as I do when I feel the crisp hint of fall or the clean clarity of a new direction, with the right energy wrapping its arms around me like a fuzzy sweater. You can feel it, it’s a ‘vibe’ thing. And the new vibes are rolling in like eager waves to the shore.

And as I walked from my lovely Carl House to the car, through the vibrant, twilight gardens, there he was, my tall and handsome Blue Atlas Cedar. He’s been with me all these years, steadfast and true unlike any lover I’ve known. He’s a friend of the truest kind. He is there as I come and go, reliable, a witness, a champion, there for me to rest beneath or just admire. Steadfast. Strong. He wears no mask, plays no games, he is just there. Not judging, just present. There. Regardless my mood, whether I notice him, in all kinds of weather. I feel his warmth, acceptance, love really.

I find this comforting as I navigate anew. If I could wrap my arms entirely around my Blue Atlas Cedar, I would, in thanks and with deep gratitude. Instead it’ll be my intent and he’ll know. We’re just that close.

It’s the little things that make the grandiose possible, my big dreams made up of these small ahas, turns in the road and the recognition of things I just hadn’t seen. It’s funny how one day, there they are. Lovely really.

BB Webb

 

Let it Be Sed September 1, 2009

Let it Be Sed
(To children and best friends)tough little girl

She was the sort who couldn’t sit.
She’d try,
But she couldn’t sit.

Her name was wrong.
Her parents named her Sedriana.
Sedriana Sabastiano.
Her friends called her Sed.
Others called her SS,
Some just hisssssed when they saw her go by.

But Sed couldn’t sit,
She sauntered,
She stood,
She sprinted,
She sunk,
She often swallowed hard,
She tried to sing.

Sedriana Sabastiano was on a search.
Her mother thought it was for a star,
Her Dad couldn’t figure what she was looking for,
She moved too much for him,
He got dizzy and would have to sit down when Sed was around.

Once he said to Sed, “Slow down Sed, quiet down, go to bed!”
But Sed had little time for sleep or sitting or snoozing or even sipping
the tea that her mother brought for her,
Or later that her boyfriend brought for her,
Or later that her husband brought for her,
Or later which she sometimes remembered to make for herself.

Sed was always said to be searching.
“Look,” said a neighbor once concerning Sed,
“She swims, sips, slurps, skates and sneezes always as thought she is looking, peeking, seeking and searching for something spectacular, what could it be?”

Sed was always said to be free, Intense, frantic,… sometimes frightening,
often frightened, but free.

One day when Sed was no longer a child, her friend Sally paid
her a friendship visit.
Sally was a sweet, silent, contented sort.
Sally worked from 9-5, had clean cupboards and never seemed to mind.
She served on all the local committees, raised her children bright and strong,
She and Sed were said to be the bestest of friends.

One day Sally was on her way to visit Sed, walked through the door
And Sed was on her head!
“Sed,” Sally said, “Why are you on your head?”
Sed came down,…one never talks while on her head.
Sed merely sighed and said,
“Sally,…Sally, I’m looking for a thread!”

Sally nodded and understood, put down the cookies she’d brought for Sed
and grinned and smiled with a nod of her head.
Sally understood for she loved Sed.
Sed packed her bags as Sally sat nearby and read.

Years later after having traveled far,Train
To Paris, Caracus, Toledo, Zanzibar,
Sed was on a train, munching a fig,
She wore a hat that she knew was too big.
Suddenly as the brakes on the train squealed to a stop, Sed slid
Forward and in her head went a pop.

She stood up, startled, shook her head once or twice,
And as if possessed, laughed and wept til the day turned to night.

The moon came out full and Sed sat alone,
Bouncing on the train realizing she was home.
No matter where she roamed she was home,…inside herself.
She hugged herself, her wrinkled brow softened,
Her search was alive, but her heart somehow blossomed, with a
murmur that can listen as well as be heard,
Sed found her star and bounced quietly along.

The train ran its route,
The moon flared its glow,
Sed was found quietly sitting,
As the train’s whistle did blow.

By BB Webb

 

The truth WILL set you free…won’t it?? August 28, 2009

Filed under: Friends,Reflection,Relationships — BB Webb @ 9:22 pm

And sometimes piss you off too!

In that I’m enamoured at present with ‘tipping points’, those pivotal moments when you know your life is veering in a very new direction, and though you might NOT know the exact mapping of where you are going, you know the car has started and there is NO turning back, nor would you WANT to go back. I live for those moments, (though twist and turn like a banshee before their arrival…just ask the people who know me. I frankly unnerve myself on a regular basis, no doubt others as well. Humph)!

While picking out music last weekend to accompany me with some new goals, I was reflecting on my last ‘significant’ romantic relationship. (You may ask, ‘why for heaven’s sake’, well never mind why…I just needed to reflect). From start to finish, I spent almost a decade with this man. man and woman arguingWe learned a boatload of things being together though spent a LOT of time angst-ridden.

I have chosen to adopt a comic perspective on all things ‘life’, particularly myself. I’m an especially dramatic person, (degrees in theatre and all that…funny frankly that I thought I needed school to be dramatic), and somehow just need to live in living color and out loud…it’s just me. At the end of the day, I have a comic outlook on my life and life in general; I learned this from my mother. Survival techniques really, and I always prefer a good laugh, certainly after finding myself morosely occupied in my own pools of sublime and sometimes gray tinted thoughts. I never let the laugh cover the ick…I just always end up with the laugh. I believe that you MUST feel the pain and discomfort to go from ‘here’ to ‘there’; it’s growth juice. Without it, I feel you stay just where you are!

(Feel free, challenge me on this)!

Yes, pain is the great transporter, and you’ve certainly heard me rally against our numbed culture which is so enamoured and addicted to addictions. (Read my ‘With Love and Laughter?’ post). But, a ‘trees from the forest’ attitude of curiosity and bemusement has helped me through some otherwise perilous times and episodes in my life.

La de da on all that!

I was reflecting, however, on a few key moments in my decade with this love partner that honestly, in looking back, struck me as not so much sad, but in being where I am now, hysterical that I would not have said, ‘wow, THIS certainly isn’t a nurturing fit.’ (Well, there are other words I considered as well). Though, I feel everyone deserves ‘grace’, we all do things to hurt one another unintentionally or not in relationships and I’m certainly not perfect at any of this. Though, there is often a ‘breaking’ point, just as we have ‘tipping points’ in our life. I have an especially long tether before letting go in some areas of life.

Defining Moment #1 Huh???
I’d just started writing a step-parenting column in a local newspaper. I was happy to have the work published, it was fun, exciting, a new endeavor. I was submitting writing online and getting pieces published there as well. I was embarking on a new interest, working to build up confidence and steam. I had business cards written which read:

BB Webb, Writer.

ME: ‘Honey, check out my new business cards.’
Him: ‘Just cause you put ‘writer’ on a card doesn’t mean you are one.’

If I’d had a certain male ‘member’ if would have gone entirely soft. Ouch! I’d now have responded a bit differently….

Defining Moment #2 Ouch!!!
In the middle of one of our regular stuggle sessions and triggering of one another, (having seen my parent’s loveless relationship I just felt one needed to Struggle, (yep, with a capital ‘S’) to get to the GOOD stuff.) And I’m driven and tenacious, I don’t give up easily!

Our regular arguments left me feeling….
‘If only YOU would change BB!!!! You’re too sensitive, you’re too emotional, you’re too impatient, you’re too dramatic’…yeah, yeah, yeah…fill in the blank.

Finally feeling exasperated at the end of one emotional interchange where I felt ‘triggered’, unheard, wrong, frustrated as hell:

Me: ‘Ahhhhhh….I feel so FUN and FUNNY when I’m with my friends!’

Him: ‘You funny????’

Me: ‘YES, I’m HYSTERICAL!!!!!!’

For clearly I WAS. Great moment really!

Defining Moment #3 Yowlzer!
ME: ‘I just want to be the light in your life.’
HIM: ‘Well’…(pause, pause, pause)…’you’re not.’

BB and 2Lu...laughing at some of the choices we've made in our lives.

BB and 2Lu...laughing at some of the choices we've made in our lives.

My friend 2Lu and I quote this one regularly and follow it up, NOW, with great, ‘fall off the sofa’ laughter.

Defining Moment #4: Okay, got it!!! DONE!

I’d written a contributing chapter to a Jim Rohn and Jack Canfield book, a marketing vehicle really. I’d asked this love interest if he’d received the book I gave him, (I’d included a lovely little story about him in it).

Granted, this was after our relationship was officially over, paperwork in, finalization almost compete according to the law.

His response,

Him: ‘Yeah, I got it.’

(Pause, pause, pause). I could feel myself fishing for some validation. (Urgh I hate when I do that).

Me: ‘Ahhhh, did you read my chapter?’

Him:‘Yeah.’

I could feel my toes wiggling in my shoes. Walk away from this typical dialogue BB, waaaaalllllk awaaaaaay…. I couldn’t. A fishing I would go.

Me:‘Well, whadidya think?’

Him:‘Oh, same stuff you always say.’

Oh Gawwwwd, why did I GO there??? Why did I feel the need to have this man throw me a flippin bone, as that’s all it would be!

Co-dependent foolish behavior. It was only at THAT moment, that I became VERY clear why we were no longer together….baaaaad fit…..baaaaaaaaaaad fit!

And more importantly, I wasn’t good for me. The seeker and the sought. Yuuuuuuuck.

GOOD LESSONS ALL!

The truth can hurt AND it can also set you free…… if you’re listening.

I heard myself say, ‘I abdicate my throne as Queen of DeNil’. Now doesn’t THAT feel better! Indeed, indeed!

Suddenly I could feel the accelerator in my car revving as forward I moved, and frankly, at breakneck speed, off somewhere…somewhere better, somewhere frankly very, VERY good!

Here’s to attracting really GOOD things which nurture and feed your soul and having the patience for them to arrive in the proper timing….damn it!!

BB Webb

 

The Tipping Point August 20, 2009

I had a ‘tipping point’ day. Something ‘binged’ in my head regarding my business and ‘I got it’ on a different level….all the things I’ve known I wanted, (I always have a vision)…I just didn’t know how to do it….despite coaxing, encouraging, proding, and all the other things that come from caring folks before that ‘tipping point’.

I am not religious one bit, rather more spiritually inspired. I need only ‘get’ something on a visceral level to employ all, ALL my will and strength with TREMENDOUS faith, (I’d blow a seasoned Baptist or guilt ridden Catholic out of the water). When I ‘get’ something or am passionately excited by a vision in my head, I don’t need to know exactly how to get there, but I know I am off and running and the details will gather together like dust bunnies to a corner. I can’t lose.

Though I’ve embraced this process a bazillion times, (a creative process, which is a jumble of disorder and mayhem before the grand creation is complete), I am consistently a flame of awkward, dissatisfied angst, frustration and hot anger, (think mean wolf about to blow down Red’s brick house), just before the tipping point comes. Nonetheless, I throw myself into the process and despite somewhere knowing I will come out a winner holding my trophy high, I play out my role with gusto as for me, there is no other way. I am not the actress, I am indeed the person all actors might want to emulate…I am that person.

And for me, I then own my experience as I’ve BEEN there, yes, no doubt creating my own hell, (probably for some around me as well), but ooooooh the victory in reaching heaven’s gate.

I feel like a victorious warrior today, SURELY not done with the battle though see FOR SURE that my competition has no chance…they being whatever ghouls of fear, reaction, doubt or impatience who knock so LOUDLY on my door, awakening me in the night, not allowing me to fall back in slumber. Today they met their match. Today I don’t care if they enter as I KNOW, for SURE, they haven’t a chance.

I am so damn powerful.

And only so with this team of folks who surround me, recognize me, bolster me forward, directly, (lovingly) call me on my bullshit and lift me higher.

And of course, I have no other reaction but to offer them the world if I can.

And so, the tipping point came today. Awhile back I wrote about this ‘tipping point’ phenomena. You know…you’ve been there.


Rally on, my heart to the warriors!

The Tipping Point

You think it’s gonna come early,
Then were sad and felt it was too late,
You get a tad peaked and encouraged,
Then you wonder hard about fate.

Chorus:
Then dang if the scales don’t tetter,
Don’t they toddle, create a wake,
And oh the tipping point comes,
Yeah open them flood gates,
Baby, go on and open them flood gates,
I got some livin that jus ain’t gonna wait!

The money it just wouldn’t show up,
Your biz slowed, got stuck in the mud,
Your love life seemed on terminal hold,
You’d given ‘nuf sweat and lotsa blood.

Chorus:
Then dang if the scales don’t tetter,
Don’t they toddle, create a wake,
And oh the tipping point comes,
Yeah open them flood gates,
Baby, go on and open them flood gates,
I got some livin that jus ain’t gonna wait!

You’ve scoured the ads, traveled so far,
And that voice in your head keeps saying ‘soon!’
You’ve said your prayers and thrown your cards,
What else now, must I howl at the moon?

Chorus:
Then dang if the scales don’t tetter,
Don’t they toddle, create a wake,
And oh the tipping point comes,
Yeah open them flood gates,
Baby, go on and open them flood gates,
I got some livin that jus ain’t gonna wait!

Then fifty came smack, without warning,
Behaviors of old, took their toll,
Divorce struck quick like sharp lightning,
But freedom, she knocked hard at your door.

Chorus:
Then dang if the scales don’t tetter,
Don’t they toddle, create a wake,
And oh the tipping point comes,
Yeah open them flood gates,
Baby, go on and open them flood gates,
I got some livin that jus ain’t gonna wait!

And heaven you find it was right here,
Peace was well within reach,
Abundance was in every corner,
And love was what ya needed to teach,
Yeah, love was what you needed to teach.

Chorus:
Then dang if the scales don’t tetter,
Don’t they toddle, create a wake,
And oh the tipping point comes,
Yeah open them flood gates,
Baby, go on and open them flood gates,
I got some livin that jus ain’t gonna wait!

BB Webb

 

Oh Sinnerman…. August 19, 2009

A favorite song, a favorite scene, a favorite theme….

Slight of hand…perspective….Magritte….life….Nina Simon…

Intriguing…

Where ya gonna run to….?????

BB Webb