BB Webb as BB Webb!

Exploring the Possibilities

Friends can be like… December 31, 2009

…popcorn, constant explosions of impulse, surprise, support, smarts and fun, fun, fun! I’ll speak today of one favorite friend….my pal 2Lu. She’s smart as a whip, wears the funniest clown pants in history, makes me laugh so hard with her quick wit and sharp tongue, has a selflessness in key areas that inspire and leave me in ‘fall over, knock your socks off’ awe and yet another side can rally forth a litany of insults to a deserving creep in record fashion. She is a distinct enigma to me. She’s private though I am honored to be privy to her inner most thoughts which I’d never expose for I am as loyal as my dogs are to me….more so maybe. (And as a non-dog lover, I’m proud to say, she adores mine).

Though, I must say, I am comforted to know that should I die before my blessed hounds, they’d saddle up next to any loving heartful person who would rub, feed and love on them as I do. I’m very good at that….especially the loving part. And 2Lu would no doubt find the very best home for them, (knowing that would NOT be her home), and….she’d maybe go visit them.

I am honored to have her trust in me and I’d never betray her….I HATE pain, but would have to die screaming with torture before I’d spill a confidence she asked me to keep. (Though I admit, the torturer would quit just to stop my INCREDIBLE protest….I’m a noisy one and will scream, holler and screech if I need to, in a way that frankly could put Jeff Gordon in a sudden stop on the Nascar raceway).

But back to my friend. She can kid at my idiosyncracies, the self absorbed parts, in a way that makes us both laugh til our sides ache. We regularly act out scenes we have experienced and embellish them with our dramatic interpretations, which we might repeat a dozen times with added nuance, the laughter building to Olympian heights.

We’re known to indulge in select carbohydrates, (mind you, if at my house, only served in pretty bowls), and on occasion, when she can rally a driver, we’ll polish off an entire Pinot Noir with Toll House Cookie chocolate chips, (with my special mix of pumpkin and sunflower seeds and chopped apricots), all this while doing the latest impression of someone we find unruly or rude, because we can, and it lifts us from the periodic doldrums of our busy, challenging lives of to and fro.

The Gal with 2 Lu's....

Our commonality: 2Lu and I both know where we’re going….if not distinctly, clearly….and there’s a significant difference. The latter allows a level of magic and mystery to influence the journey. We’re traveling on a similar caravan and how good it feels to have such companionship. The road less traveled is so much more fun with a pal to laugh with and shoulder the loads, celebrate the wins. I know, I’ve traveled solo for decades taking snapshots of my shadow to prove I was there!

While exuding compassion and ridicule in the same sandwich bite or absolute seriousness about all things commerce, (she CLEARLY more savvy than I), I can count on her for fresh outlook for whatever idea I spout forth, and I have millions. She listens to what I’ve written time and again, and only as a devoted friend might, she’ll ask to hear it again so we might consider another vantage point, point of view or way to deliver the intent to my imagined audience, for there always is one, has been since I was 4 years old, maybe 3.

She considers ways to make money with things I know I must do, (and she’s created her own dozens of revenue generating businesses and schemes), so now, it’s just a matter of mixing smart with fun. Our ultimate goal is to create revenues with fun, meaningful projects then give our money randomly to deserving ‘do gooders’ and maybe to punish the naughty nellys so they might rethink and repent. Ooooh, we’re diabolical and unstoppable together. It’s true!

This 2Lu pal knows exactly when and how to lift up the areas in me which are sagging with the weight of disappointment, challenge, sadness or frustration AND she can be lovingly direct when I need to do my own ‘about face.’

She possesses the parts I’m striving to hone within myself and though she says she feels the same about me, I think she says so just to make me feel better. She makes me feel funnier, smarter, prettier, fitter, savvier, more fashionable, compassionate and overall, just a better person than I consider myself to be. That’s friendship. That’s love.

My friend Lulu! Really, only one, maybe two other folks do I keep handy in my clift notes of friends, though 2Lu wins the Pulitzer prize for excelling in her role as BB’s friend. She’s the Eddie Haskle to my Wally, the Gail to my Oprah, the Old Yeller to ‘what’s his name’…that cute little kid.

And regarding the role she plays so impeccably well, I should know, I’m an actress really; I know authenticity when I see it and can spot an imposter before they’ve applied their dark glasses or moustache or fraud quicker than the bank. I know real and this pal is the true grit.

Damn…I swear I’m getting luckier each year with the people showing up. My focus is growing keener and I know quality. I’m VERY particular. Loyalty, selflessness, smarts and an eagerness to do well, spread goodness and light….all qualities which with me will NEVER lose cache.

These sort of friends make the dark light, the cold warm, the rigid tempered and the shrill a soft melody.

Life without them….hollow or the sound of a stick on an old, dented, tin bucket….and I so prefer an orchestra replete with timpani and horns. I’m spoiled rotten with this friend of mind.

So, on this last day of a most arduous year, I am saying thank you to her today. 2Lu….my friend with 2 Lu’s. Catalyst, pioneer, iconoclast and the woman whose grit could challenge any rustling cowboy.

Wow. I stand in awe and love her from the top, bottom and middle of my heart. My ‘rocking chair friend,’ one who will indeed be with me until we’re old, old, old….but probably not doing much in rocking chairs if I know Lulu and me.

Thank you my friend, for showing up when you did, possibly in the ‘nick of time’!

BB Webb

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There by the Grace of God Go I…. December 10, 2009

Isn’t it the truth. How many times have I known, for SURE, that angels were hovering about me as I did one stupid thing or another….drove like a maniac and should have run head long into a wall or fallen down a rabbit hole smothered myself by putting my foot in my mouth. I am surrounded by love, it is indeed the truth.

Why do we doubt? Why do we doubt that each encounter we have is only evidence of the opportunities we have to stretch, to see how able and sure we really are, how tenacious or resolved, tender, human, alert. I get opportunities each and every day. This week I swear I had 32. I had to come home before dark tonight to just rest awhile. I had to catch my breath from it all. I don’t know when I’d been more weary.

How interesting when I reflected today on how public we all really are despite assuming a degree of anonimity. I write a blog that could ostensibly go out to hundreds upon thousands of people….throughout the universe.

(Well, only 24 or sometimes 28 people read it a day on average. Once 128 people in one day, only ’cause my friend sent it to her network of friends. Unlike my biz coach, Brian Patrick Cork who is now getting an average of 30,000 readers a day. Zoowie-cats!)

I’m finding my way, my voice, my future really through writing, sorting through things, seeing what sticks, for me or anyone else. Somehow having at least a few people baring witness, as I mention on the margin of this blog, makes a difference, even though the handful of you are pretty darn quiet.

How ironic though that if ever the summons arose, all our text, email and voice mail records might be revealed through the government, though the surveillance systems which like Big Brother in 2001, A Space Odyssey, have us covered, watched, scrutinized perhaps…we are tapped in every way. It’s awful really.

Only a hand written letter, maybe is private, if not found out by a spying relative or jealous boyfriend. Perhaps my letter to a dear girl friend might be discovered by her daughter but spread throughout the news for my potentially scandelous views or outlook on the world…..hardly.

It’s interesting. Freedom of speech… but good heavens, don’t let your views be too widely read as eeeeeeekkk….. they might not be shared by everyone and boom, your career as Cashier at the Piggly Wiggly MIGHT be in jeopardy.

I like to consider that my years are numbered here on this plane. I’m 52 years old…(not sure how I reached that number and am equally surprised at how I feel that I’m only getting started on things), but wow, when I consider that my reign, tenure, stay on this planet does indeed have some human limits, why in heaven’s name would I feel tentative about being who I am.

Well, we all must wake and see our neighbor who might not like our views. I prefer a measure of privacy, despite this role I feel I was given as town, or rather country or maybe global crier. There is something I was brought here to share. It’s incubating as I was 52 years ago in my 1957 hospital incubator….Weighing in at just 4.5 pounds, I needed time to develop….and I’m at 52 years of age, weighing in at a good bit more, developing clearly for this next move forward, which will be perhaps the real purpose for being here at all.

Maybe all the rest is just boot camp, preparation for the full Monty, the big bang, the epicurean feast I’m meant to deliver. And I will, I have no choice. So, ‘belly up to the bar’ I tell my scared, tentative, or tender self….it’s what you were brought here to do….silly. (I add silly to allow some grace to my sense of being).

Funny how you just know things.

None-the-less, (my new favorite word, or expression….this week), there are times when feeling a warm embrace or someone patting your head in recognition of your purpose and the challenges and awkwardness it brings, would feel ultra fine, just a place to rest momentarily before the goblin and ghouls work their savvy on your resolve. A shoulder to fall into for a moment, a few moments maybe. I place to rest and catch your breath.

I shared this with a business colleague who promised to put on his agenda, ‘give BB a hug’. I had to laugh. Goodness, has it come to that. I appreciated the sentiment none-the-less, (there it is again), and realized that I am so grateful to begin to create a community around me that is far from Ozzie and Harriet, but my family none-the…….my family or sorts. I’m envisioning and creating a world that works for me. There are so many I’ve tried on which just didn’t.

And the moments which feel lonely, they are no different than when I was lost in a crowd or amongst ‘family’ which didn’t resonate with who I am. I don’t need to BE next to the ones I love, but imagining them near, close really, keeps my heart warm, even when I feel as though I just can’t go it alone one more moment.

I always do, and where I find myself, well, I’ve found myself throughout the years in astounding places. And thankfully I am always there, available, eager, and ready to give my all to whatever, whomever and most importantly, to me.

God bless the ones who arrive as they do….angels in human-garb. I see them. I know who they really are.

And it makes me both weak in the knees and a bit teary in fact, as they don’t really know who they are yet themselves. My job here is to let them know. And oooh, what a privilege to get to play this role and to shine light on the ones who see me, as well, in ways I cannot.

Oh God, some days it’s just too much to take in. So today, I came home from work BEFORE dark, wow, surrounded myself with kind, thoughtful loving animals, poured myself a glass of ruby red wine, and sat down to write to you.

….and to the angels who surround you this very moment.

BB Webb

 

Imagination, Energy and Focus September 28, 2009

I have a dear friend who lives in Maine; I’ve spoken of her before, the lovely and talented Karen Montanaro, wife of my beloved late teacher Tony Montanaro. She is a seeker like myself. Our conversations would drive most anyone mad as we stay up late into the night bug-eyed considering thoughts in the realms of self actualization, possibility, metaphysics, the arts, we tear apart poetic stories, nibble food, drink wine bought only because of the compelling or ‘pretty’ labels, and then after gaffaws of laughter, end up in her studio, listening to music, dancing the night away. It’s magical.

Karen Montanaro

Karen Montanaro

We then sleep exhausted for hours to begin again the next day where she’ll take me to a draining and exhilerating Bikram Yoga class, we shop the streets of Portland drinking expensive coffees, visit dress shops and twirl and plie, kick our feet high to see how we might move in gorgeous dresses with yet no event in mind for ‘it’ to adorn us, (but we’ll find one), and we might end up at Whole Foods in the make-up aisle trying on all variety of eye shadow shades and lipsticks, followed by an overpriced but scrumptious something or other from the store deli. An indulgent ‘treat’ at a nearby boutique dessert store is the only fitting end to a day of play.

I love my trips to Maine and may travel there over Christmas just to wear my fur coat and make a few snow angels after a rousing day in her studio and to rest my mind after we’ve torn apart quantum physics and the origins of tantra, created soup (after she declared having ‘nothing in her kitchen’), (I’m the ‘stone soup’ queen and I LOVE to cook for her), and after having written a dance/theatre piece based on the hilarious and possibly angst ridden mishaps or exhilarating tristes we’ve had relating to men and ‘falling in love’ over the past year. She’s a friend of the rarest kind!

Karen, like Tony, is an artist and moreover, a teacher relentless in her journey to raise children (the world) to a new level of functioning and possibility. Her drive is inspiring (as is her heart). She is a gorgeous dancer with long flowing red hair, her body trained for decades in menus of movement that the rest of us only dream we might accomplish. Her body, agile and light, is precise and fluid, her variety of turns, jumps, twists and swallows, a veritable chapter book of movement recipes, though none written down.

Tony was the master of improvisation and more than anything else, taught us (me) to respond, shift and move in a moment. More importantly, to endeavor to LIVE in the moment. I need him still. Trained at a young age to ‘go with the flow’, it serves me at times when I can feel my own rigidity (fear) set in.

So today, I am reminded of the work she does with her school kids as she travels throughout the planet, opening doors in young minds, lifting hearts and creating smiles of personal possibility with the people who experience her….I am reminded of the importance of coaxing and nurturing our energy reserve, finding ways to daily unleash our imaginations and something which my own business coach, Brian Patrick Cork, harangued me about at our coaching session only last week, the importance of focus.

IMAGINATION. ENERGY. FOCUS.

Powerful all. Powerful.

BB Webb

 

News Alert….it’s fire season! September 27, 2009

Filed under: Friends,Fun — BB Webb @ 4:30 pm
Tags: , , , ,

There is nothing so fine as a fire!

There is nothing so fine as a fire!

Ooooooooohh….one of my ALL TIME favorite things to do…in life…..is to sit on my luscious back porch, in the forest, stars up above, with a few key pals, animals strew about, a glass of rich, robust red wine, frothy banter and an autumn FIRE! A big flaming, hot, embers sparking fire. I’ve found no better place in the world to be….at least I’ve not found a better place yet….(though I’m open to discovering more…)!

Ooooooh, Katy barr the door….I might even break out the cigars. Woodsman of course…aromatic, cheap as dirt and fine by me.

I adore autumn and hope you’re enjoying it too!

BB Webb

 

Navigating anew September 3, 2009

Blue Atlas Cedar

Blue Atlas Cedar

I was leaving work this evening around 7pm, the beginning of autumn promising crisp, starry nights, (a harbinger friend of fall told me so), sweaters and robust red wine drunk on my porch with a fire blazing, a must at my home. (One of my favorite things to do with people I care about).

So yes, there I was walking out from a day, a week, a month, oh, really a year of so much. The tipping point has indeed come and suddenly I am noticing that just as my GPS failed to work this week, (for once I got the extended warranty and it paid off), but that I have needed to ‘navigate anew’, as the old pathways don’t work anymore. Of course it broke!! You can’t follow the same maps when you are going somewhere new! Any road warrior knows that….and I’m certainly a traveler in life this particular ‘go ’round’.

Similarly, as I shared in an earlier post, I dropped my old PC on my wooden stairs, and though she seemed to crumble into a hundred small pieces, she was not gone altogether and limped along til I got my new Apple Pro. Yet such irony.

My old operating system was petering out, my GPS failed….truly signs and symbols to what is occurring on a grander scale. When I am awake I see these things….and I endeavor to be just that. My evening slumber only fuels me to work another day to stay awake.

So, this week the compass turned a notch more and I could feel my sails billow with excitement, much as I do when I feel the crisp hint of fall or the clean clarity of a new direction, with the right energy wrapping its arms around me like a fuzzy sweater. You can feel it, it’s a ‘vibe’ thing. And the new vibes are rolling in like eager waves to the shore.

And as I walked from my lovely Carl House to the car, through the vibrant, twilight gardens, there he was, my tall and handsome Blue Atlas Cedar. He’s been with me all these years, steadfast and true unlike any lover I’ve known. He’s a friend of the truest kind. He is there as I come and go, reliable, a witness, a champion, there for me to rest beneath or just admire. Steadfast. Strong. He wears no mask, plays no games, he is just there. Not judging, just present. There. Regardless my mood, whether I notice him, in all kinds of weather. I feel his warmth, acceptance, love really.

I find this comforting as I navigate anew. If I could wrap my arms entirely around my Blue Atlas Cedar, I would, in thanks and with deep gratitude. Instead it’ll be my intent and he’ll know. We’re just that close.

It’s the little things that make the grandiose possible, my big dreams made up of these small ahas, turns in the road and the recognition of things I just hadn’t seen. It’s funny how one day, there they are. Lovely really.

BB Webb

 

Let it Be Sed September 1, 2009

Let it Be Sed
(To children and best friends)tough little girl

She was the sort who couldn’t sit.
She’d try,
But she couldn’t sit.

Her name was wrong.
Her parents named her Sedriana.
Sedriana Sabastiano.
Her friends called her Sed.
Others called her SS,
Some just hisssssed when they saw her go by.

But Sed couldn’t sit,
She sauntered,
She stood,
She sprinted,
She sunk,
She often swallowed hard,
She tried to sing.

Sedriana Sabastiano was on a search.
Her mother thought it was for a star,
Her Dad couldn’t figure what she was looking for,
She moved too much for him,
He got dizzy and would have to sit down when Sed was around.

Once he said to Sed, “Slow down Sed, quiet down, go to bed!”
But Sed had little time for sleep or sitting or snoozing or even sipping
the tea that her mother brought for her,
Or later that her boyfriend brought for her,
Or later that her husband brought for her,
Or later which she sometimes remembered to make for herself.

Sed was always said to be searching.
“Look,” said a neighbor once concerning Sed,
“She swims, sips, slurps, skates and sneezes always as thought she is looking, peeking, seeking and searching for something spectacular, what could it be?”

Sed was always said to be free, Intense, frantic,… sometimes frightening,
often frightened, but free.

One day when Sed was no longer a child, her friend Sally paid
her a friendship visit.
Sally was a sweet, silent, contented sort.
Sally worked from 9-5, had clean cupboards and never seemed to mind.
She served on all the local committees, raised her children bright and strong,
She and Sed were said to be the bestest of friends.

One day Sally was on her way to visit Sed, walked through the door
And Sed was on her head!
“Sed,” Sally said, “Why are you on your head?”
Sed came down,…one never talks while on her head.
Sed merely sighed and said,
“Sally,…Sally, I’m looking for a thread!”

Sally nodded and understood, put down the cookies she’d brought for Sed
and grinned and smiled with a nod of her head.
Sally understood for she loved Sed.
Sed packed her bags as Sally sat nearby and read.

Years later after having traveled far,Train
To Paris, Caracus, Toledo, Zanzibar,
Sed was on a train, munching a fig,
She wore a hat that she knew was too big.
Suddenly as the brakes on the train squealed to a stop, Sed slid
Forward and in her head went a pop.

She stood up, startled, shook her head once or twice,
And as if possessed, laughed and wept til the day turned to night.

The moon came out full and Sed sat alone,
Bouncing on the train realizing she was home.
No matter where she roamed she was home,…inside herself.
She hugged herself, her wrinkled brow softened,
Her search was alive, but her heart somehow blossomed, with a
murmur that can listen as well as be heard,
Sed found her star and bounced quietly along.

The train ran its route,
The moon flared its glow,
Sed was found quietly sitting,
As the train’s whistle did blow.

By BB Webb

 

The truth WILL set you free…won’t it?? August 28, 2009

Filed under: Friends,Reflection,Relationships — BB Webb @ 9:22 pm

And sometimes piss you off too!

In that I’m enamoured at present with ‘tipping points’, those pivotal moments when you know your life is veering in a very new direction, and though you might NOT know the exact mapping of where you are going, you know the car has started and there is NO turning back, nor would you WANT to go back. I live for those moments, (though twist and turn like a banshee before their arrival…just ask the people who know me. I frankly unnerve myself on a regular basis, no doubt others as well. Humph)!

While picking out music last weekend to accompany me with some new goals, I was reflecting on my last ‘significant’ romantic relationship. (You may ask, ‘why for heaven’s sake’, well never mind why…I just needed to reflect). From start to finish, I spent almost a decade with this man. man and woman arguingWe learned a boatload of things being together though spent a LOT of time angst-ridden.

I have chosen to adopt a comic perspective on all things ‘life’, particularly myself. I’m an especially dramatic person, (degrees in theatre and all that…funny frankly that I thought I needed school to be dramatic), and somehow just need to live in living color and out loud…it’s just me. At the end of the day, I have a comic outlook on my life and life in general; I learned this from my mother. Survival techniques really, and I always prefer a good laugh, certainly after finding myself morosely occupied in my own pools of sublime and sometimes gray tinted thoughts. I never let the laugh cover the ick…I just always end up with the laugh. I believe that you MUST feel the pain and discomfort to go from ‘here’ to ‘there’; it’s growth juice. Without it, I feel you stay just where you are!

(Feel free, challenge me on this)!

Yes, pain is the great transporter, and you’ve certainly heard me rally against our numbed culture which is so enamoured and addicted to addictions. (Read my ‘With Love and Laughter?’ post). But, a ‘trees from the forest’ attitude of curiosity and bemusement has helped me through some otherwise perilous times and episodes in my life.

La de da on all that!

I was reflecting, however, on a few key moments in my decade with this love partner that honestly, in looking back, struck me as not so much sad, but in being where I am now, hysterical that I would not have said, ‘wow, THIS certainly isn’t a nurturing fit.’ (Well, there are other words I considered as well). Though, I feel everyone deserves ‘grace’, we all do things to hurt one another unintentionally or not in relationships and I’m certainly not perfect at any of this. Though, there is often a ‘breaking’ point, just as we have ‘tipping points’ in our life. I have an especially long tether before letting go in some areas of life.

Defining Moment #1 Huh???
I’d just started writing a step-parenting column in a local newspaper. I was happy to have the work published, it was fun, exciting, a new endeavor. I was submitting writing online and getting pieces published there as well. I was embarking on a new interest, working to build up confidence and steam. I had business cards written which read:

BB Webb, Writer.

ME: ‘Honey, check out my new business cards.’
Him: ‘Just cause you put ‘writer’ on a card doesn’t mean you are one.’

If I’d had a certain male ‘member’ if would have gone entirely soft. Ouch! I’d now have responded a bit differently….

Defining Moment #2 Ouch!!!
In the middle of one of our regular stuggle sessions and triggering of one another, (having seen my parent’s loveless relationship I just felt one needed to Struggle, (yep, with a capital ‘S’) to get to the GOOD stuff.) And I’m driven and tenacious, I don’t give up easily!

Our regular arguments left me feeling….
‘If only YOU would change BB!!!! You’re too sensitive, you’re too emotional, you’re too impatient, you’re too dramatic’…yeah, yeah, yeah…fill in the blank.

Finally feeling exasperated at the end of one emotional interchange where I felt ‘triggered’, unheard, wrong, frustrated as hell:

Me: ‘Ahhhhhh….I feel so FUN and FUNNY when I’m with my friends!’

Him: ‘You funny????’

Me: ‘YES, I’m HYSTERICAL!!!!!!’

For clearly I WAS. Great moment really!

Defining Moment #3 Yowlzer!
ME: ‘I just want to be the light in your life.’
HIM: ‘Well’…(pause, pause, pause)…’you’re not.’

BB and 2Lu...laughing at some of the choices we've made in our lives.

BB and 2Lu...laughing at some of the choices we've made in our lives.

My friend 2Lu and I quote this one regularly and follow it up, NOW, with great, ‘fall off the sofa’ laughter.

Defining Moment #4: Okay, got it!!! DONE!

I’d written a contributing chapter to a Jim Rohn and Jack Canfield book, a marketing vehicle really. I’d asked this love interest if he’d received the book I gave him, (I’d included a lovely little story about him in it).

Granted, this was after our relationship was officially over, paperwork in, finalization almost compete according to the law.

His response,

Him: ‘Yeah, I got it.’

(Pause, pause, pause). I could feel myself fishing for some validation. (Urgh I hate when I do that).

Me: ‘Ahhhh, did you read my chapter?’

Him:‘Yeah.’

I could feel my toes wiggling in my shoes. Walk away from this typical dialogue BB, waaaaalllllk awaaaaaay…. I couldn’t. A fishing I would go.

Me:‘Well, whadidya think?’

Him:‘Oh, same stuff you always say.’

Oh Gawwwwd, why did I GO there??? Why did I feel the need to have this man throw me a flippin bone, as that’s all it would be!

Co-dependent foolish behavior. It was only at THAT moment, that I became VERY clear why we were no longer together….baaaaad fit…..baaaaaaaaaaad fit!

And more importantly, I wasn’t good for me. The seeker and the sought. Yuuuuuuuck.

GOOD LESSONS ALL!

The truth can hurt AND it can also set you free…… if you’re listening.

I heard myself say, ‘I abdicate my throne as Queen of DeNil’. Now doesn’t THAT feel better! Indeed, indeed!

Suddenly I could feel the accelerator in my car revving as forward I moved, and frankly, at breakneck speed, off somewhere…somewhere better, somewhere frankly very, VERY good!

Here’s to attracting really GOOD things which nurture and feed your soul and having the patience for them to arrive in the proper timing….damn it!!

BB Webb