BB Webb as BB Webb!

Exploring the Possibilities

And so it goes…drip, drip, drip. November 28, 2010

One drip of consciousness into the next….our slow awakenings. Mine come slowly and then periodically, in solid and sudden bursts. BOOM! We see. We hear. We know. We know, on NO uncertain terms we see ourselves, our path anew. And the awkwardness of ambivalence and compromise leaves. The choice to love oneself becomes stronger than our ability to negotiate less.

And as I came to that realization this week in saying goodbye to one part of myself, I could feel my heart open in a new way…with love, acceptance and a compassion for all the differences I see within me from others, with others from me. There is no right or wrong REALLY, merely preferences. Preferences. We hold our pasts, our wounds so very closely until one day, with any luck, we don’t. And then the great yawn, the taking in of breath we didn’t know we had and suddenly our dance with life changes.

I’m all for expansion and possibility, but that’s an old song….energetically imbued in my soul…..I must merely remind myself from time to time…when I get caught up in my own forgetting, earth bound, when I’m not listening.

Choices and then more choices. And with choices….necessary losses, gain, discovery, always some heartache as we become attached to things we’ve enjoyed and loved. Yet, when the decision to move is correct we know it and despite the heartache that might go with it, we know, we know, anything less is in time intolerable. Still the heart hurts with these times of letting go.

I’ve experienced so many. From time to time I feel myself drawn back to a memory, perhaps it’s the ‘dream’ of what something more…more in terms of peace, fulfillment, ease. I’m beginning to trust myself more wtih each passing year, and these decades are mounting in this life of mine. I am trusting more the reasoning of my heart, if there could be such. It’s more the knowing of this strong and aging heart, what brings my passions to light.

Vigilant Ernie and Wylie Pete stand ready for whatever is next!

We have support around and within us which never leaves. We might forget, but it is ALWAYS there.

As a reminder of that, my earthly guardians protect me outside my window….ever vigilant, full of love. Or maybe they just want inside.

Don’t we all. Want inside. Inside what matters. Inside our own skins, living a personally authentic existence this time through?

I do. How heavenly to have a morning with the sun pouring in my window, strong coffee, the warmth of my furnance and me, just me for now. Time to breathe, to consider, to express gratitude for the people, opportunities and ‘things’ which grace my world. Surely. Surely and indeed.

With thanks and then more of it. Where EVER will this day take me….far and beyond and yet right here at home, inside myself.

Drip, drip, mouth watering drip!

BB Webb

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Bob Banta births BB….Awwww Dad! November 22, 2010

I hadn’t put it together until just this evening, but my father, Bob Banta, (who dubbed me Barbara Suzanne Banta) was a BB as well.

Happy Birthday to my father, Bob Banta. He died some time ago and honestly, I feel a greater bond with him since his death than perhaps when he was of flesh.

Odd thing to say perhaps, but I ‘get’ him a bit more since his passing.

BB and Bob, November 2005

He was not a warm, fuzzy guy, prone instead to temper tantrums and outburst of ‘crazies’. Though part of me now understands him a bit. Actually, MORE than a bit. And I love him dearly. Totally and dearly!

We are all part adult, part child. The child parts show up in the most profound (interesting)? ways….and I’ve found for myself, often embarrassing ways. We all want to FEEL we are so entirely ADULT, but what indeed is that.

But none of us is ‘complete’, I feel on this planet….we are all unfinished specs of humanity doing our best to make our way. Some of us have a savvier intellect, or are more affable, some negotiate good business, others terrific family relations….but we all have ‘work to do’….and to me, that’s what makes life interesting, if not frustrating in moments.

We all have our world view, my Dad clearly had his. We grow up with our ‘rights and wrongs’ our ‘preferences’ so to speak. My Dad was a most rigid sort. He had a box in which he lived and anything outside that was deemed wrong. Imagine me, budding artist, creative soul living in his household!

My Dad found me a bit too LARGE for life, too animated, lively, loud, BIG and certainly dramatic. And, I am. That doesn’t make me wrong, merely ME. Me. Not him. Me. I clearly judged him, his box, his disapproval mostly, sadly. I know better now. You do NOT fight fire with fire. I prefer to ‘fight’ with boundaries and love!

And so as I’ve mellowed in SOME regard, (others not so and perhaps never will or care to), I realize that there are things we must just accept within ourselves, others we can maybe tweak but again, I am reminded of Popeye and his ever popular, ‘I yam what I yam’ declaration.

And so should you be. And if I find I am not fitting into the current choices in my life, I’d best find other digs. My brothers moved to Montana when they found the surrounds and growth within our once rural Pennsylvania, not fitting. They needed a new place to thrive and get what they needed. Certainly traffic in Bozeman is far less hectic than in an ever growing outskirt of the Philadelphia surrounds. I admire their decision making.

I too am outgrowing things in my life and it’s almost comical to watch me ‘burst at the seams’ as I do. My father perhaps never found his groove until later in life. Business was a huge stressor to him and I think the role to which he was thrust at that time in the world and in how he grew up, a mother more concerned with cleanliness that teaching ‘Bobbie’ how to love.

A funny memory is my Grandmother telling us not to sleep out in the backyard as kids as ‘bugs will get into your ears’!

Bob's 2005 BD, our last together with my brothers.

Though far from warm and fuzzy or generous with his compliments, he was a master at the back handed compliment, i.e when reading an article written about me in the local newspaper when I’d brought my play, ‘Through Ruby’s Eyes’ to my hometown….I shared the ups and downs of being a traveling artist. He said to me,

‘in other words, if you can’t stand the heat in the kitchen, get outta of the kitchen!

Bingo Bob! And that was his way of saying, ‘atta girl. You’ve got the right attitude.’ But he was unskilled in using words in that way…in the same way that some people are not effective speaking their truths in person, they need instead to write what they feel, my Dad had his own style for communicating his feelings. Though I’d hardly say he was ever much IN TOUCH with them.

I recently received a mail package of things my brothers procured from my father’s estate. In my bundle was every letter I’d ever written him, (and, effusive I am) along with trinkets I’d made for him as a child. I was moved beyond tears to guffaws of joy AND sadness. I wish we’d known one another better. I wish he’d been open to my brand of communicating and ‘being me’. I wish I’d known how to reach him better to let him know how deeply, deeply loved he was by me and how badly I wanted him to see me and tell me I was his own special girl.

But I know that now….not just because of the found trinkets and letters kept, but I feel his presence in uncanny ways. We speak to one another and honestly, he’s so damn proud of me and I feel that. He edges me along in my business, challenging me to think bigger, to create, to work my magic which he knows I have. His sense of the Universe is so much grander from where he sits now and I am the beneficiary of his vision.

He was a good man with a broken heart and a fractured soul. We’ll meet again no doubt and he’ll feel me and know on NO uncertain terms that he is valued, loved, found capable, smart, loving and special for just being who he is.

I love Bob Banta. With every inch of my fiber and more. Thank you for the gifts I’ve received through having you as my Dad, warts and all that we both have….I may be a similar pain in the ass to others that you were, but I’ve now both scienter and a heart filled with both forgiveness and love and I dare you, dare you dear Dad, to beat that.

Happy Birthday…you’d have been 89 years old today.

Love your DDD. Barbie Sue.

 

General…..Manager? Thank You Betty White! November 21, 2010

A major ‘aha’….(they’re coming like popcorn kernels these days) hit me like a small stone on the head this morning. I’ve felt changes brewing within a lot over the last weeks and months….(I’ve had a direction in mind for quite some time)…but of late, I’m being ‘popped’ around quite a bit and that’s fine…I can handle it. And, I’m listening. I am.

As I organize my ‘to dos’…..(there were 43 I targeted last evening, small and not so small ones…I try never to have more than my age!!), and pulled back to look at the bigger picture which I enjoy in my life, I know for sure that though I am responsible for ALL the details in my company, (and have a high expectation of working toward perfect…no chastising now, I know that’s not possible….though the intent drives one in that direction), I know that the headiness of that intent is on ME as owner and creator of that enterprise though I know FULL and WELL that I do not thrive on MANAGING those details.

So….the plan, creating processes, procedures and protocol to work in that direction to then get another person to do that job, and please, much better than me….which really shouldn’t be that hard….though with my passion for it all, or vision, probably not. I’ve been a step parent and though I have no children of my own, I do love what I consider ‘mine’ and our baby is always more precious than someone else’s. Just is.

So, my path is before me and I will not let my vision nor intentions go amuck with distractions unworthy of my true heart and spirit…and how easy it is for both to become squashed by the world, by people, intentional or not. We must all protect what is true FOR US. This morning….I GET that. No need for approval and certainly no need for others opinions or need for approval on what is right FOR YOU! Got it.

So, when shopping last week, taking a moment of a semi day off to do the domestic things that need be done in my world, I saw actress Betty White’s book, ‘Here We Go Again’ and took it off the shelf. I’ve been a non-reader for awhile, my many moments usurped with all manner of OTHER things. I’m not sure why I was drawn to her book other than I feel she exemplifies a positivity I admire, a spirit, a tenacity in gracious terms and a model of how to live a life (I suspected) with a scintillating verve and heart, openness. And, she grew up and helped influence a field of entertainment to which I wish to venture. I admire especially her ‘live’ work. Chutzpa she’s GOT!

And, I yearn for older female models as I feel in many ways life is taking a turn for me in directions I’ve long awaited. I can feel my readiness mounting. For me, I am finding, little else matters except following these calls of passion!

Photo by Jamie McCarthy/WireImage.com

Her book, an easy, fun read, taking my mind off a preponderance of ‘heavy’ to which I need relief from regularly. And this morning, laughing as I drink coffee in my cozy bed, all four footers outside giving me peace and quiet, I am relishing her stories of early television in our country, the live programming and improvisations performed. I am working to carve out time for my own writing and on screen or stage creations…..my heart and intellect gravitates there.

And then I came upon a quote from a colleague of hers who wrote, “For peace of mind, resign as general manager of the universe.’

I laughed out loud for a solid thirty seconds. indeed!! Let others decide how the world should be run, give up the struggle ‘Dorothy’, and continue marching to your own drum beat. Leggo needing to arrange the entire universe in a way that seems fit FOR YOU, Ms. BB!

And with that, for now, I prefer my own company as my tendency (with all this GM-ing of late) is to direct, lead, opinionate, judge.

What truly do I have authority over or control?? Very, very little.

I feel the need to meditate on that thought so I might resonate with that truth when I am out and about in the various areas of my world. But for now, with gate shut, doors locked, quiet surrounding me…..I find this hibernating zone, perfect, desired and RIGHT……for me!

So from my nest here, alone, in perfect solitude, I rest my case to myself….as I softly whittle away at the dreams which ignite and inspire ME. The other ants on this earth mound, have at it. I’ll do my best to stay out of your way. Thank you for allowing me mine!

Such a morning it is!!

With gratitude, and love, always. Good intentions to everyone and might we all find our own peace within this world.

BB Webb

 

About Face, Facebook…and other ‘Not So Honeymoon Tales’ November 20, 2010

I’m working on a new talk which I’m eager to get out and about throughout not just my neck of the woods, in and around Atlanta, but globally somehow. And yes, in PERSON, not just over the Internet Super Highway!

I believe in FACE to FACE communications! With that, I’ll be speaking about how we relate to one another in this day in age….how things have changed with the advent of the internet. There have been positive changes and I feel there have been LESS than positive changes afoot.

I’m embroiled in a not so favorable result of such ‘non face-to-face’ communication despite my efforts. It’s all so absolutely unnecessary but none-the-less, where I sit TODAY.

My talk will speak on keeping things personable, but not taking things so PERSONALLY. Having taken an enormous financial risk beginning my business seven and a half years ago, and having put in a copious number of hours of unimaginable sweat equity, and doing so even these seven and a half years later, it’s challenging at times for me to NOT take things personally. My business in a sense is ‘my baby’.

I revel most in the lessons learned and give thanks to each and every lesson which comes my way….and I’ll say ‘lucky me’ as they come nearly daily if I am paying attention. I endeavor to be part of good SOLUTIONS, not contribute more to heady, unnecessary PROBLEMS!

I personally have experienced (lately), the assault of internet communication and thrashing over Facebook and other wedding websites by a client. This particular (now former) client, has never met me in person, has never taken the time to set an appointment with me or answer my email or offer through her mother to call me, (as suggested) so I might PERSONALLY handle any disruption or miscommunication. Instead, this person who contracted with me has banned with her family and made the choice to bad mouth me, my company and my hard working team on FACEBOOK.

I’ve said it before and will repeat, I (as my team) are far from perfect, but anyone with an ounce of reasonable-ness will know very quickly that our intent is to serve and to exceed expectations.

I wonder if I were to sit with this young person, to look into her eyes, to understand her needs, fears, concerns and challenges in life, I wonder if I might be able to speak with her woman to woman to gain a mutual respect and compassion.

I wonder too if she might better ‘GET’ that my working on average 12-15 hours a day, often 7 days a week, that I am serious about doing good business. I wonder if she might better realize that borrowing LARGE amounts of money to start a company, that as a single woman who has a passion for serving people, I’m not out to do anyone a disservice, but much to the contrary, I have put everything at risk to do right by people!

I am concerned that this group of much younger people, accustomed to online communication and not the face-to-face sort I grew up with, do not consider the good manners of communication and how careless rants and thrashings of an individual or business can impact many lives. I’m uncertain why people choose to judge and hate, to wallow in the negative, unwilling to work toward positive resolution, especially when a conversation and willingness is offered them.

I feel they use their power recklessly and that sadly it won’t serve them well as they move forward in life. This saddens me deeply.

I consider too the people I’ll reach from this incident now that I have been impacted. The positive changes I might make now that I am personally aware of the hurt and damage this cowardice, you might call it, can do, instead of choosing to engage instead in respectable, courteous communication, one-on-one.

I am thankful to know who I am, strengths and weaknesses and to feel the rally of my colleagues, mentors, community leaders, clients and team.

I don’t and won’t play at that level, though I promise those whose livings, whose future events, the banks and service providers who I support through my business, (and rely on), that I will not sit quietly when the host of people I support is challenged.

Would this person act more considerately, kindly, professionally, respectably if they knew the heart of my intent and good will? Perhaps if she’d had the wherewithal to contact me personally, she might, but sadly that opportunity was forfeited and her comments directed to bad mouth me and my good name and that of my company was her choice.

I regret her unwillingness to work toward positive resolution. In the end I send only healing thoughts and a heightened consciousness to someone filled with such hatefulness and anger. It’s ironic to me as well, when people come to me with their entitlement and anger and then seem compelled to mention that they are ‘good Christians’.

This is perhaps one of the reasons I’m not much of a ‘joiner’. I’d rather someone walk with me throughout a day or week or month and THEN, then, when they have seen better who I am, feel free to judge, but kindly do me the respect to at least sit with me first in conversation, look into my eyes, find out a little who I am.

Good will to the world! We certainly need it. And Facebook….about Face to you….might you be used to create friends and alliances, not to destroy the potential for humanity to come together in good ways.

As a side note…I was asked by a National Magazine, ‘Perfect Wedding Guide’ to speak on this very topic in March. I’m so very HONORED to do so. Stay tuned as there is more, more and even MORE to come.

And thank you for these tormenters for prompting this initiative in me. I will ALWAYS find a silver lining. And I’m WELL aware, that it’s a choice to do so!

BB Webb

 

And if you knew you were dying soon… November 16, 2010

How would you conduct your life?

We’ve all considered this, or pondered the thought at least momentarily.

I would fret so much less over the seeming big things which distract me, make me sad, frightened or upset.

I’d say ‘what the hell’. Honestly, ‘what the hell’. Who really cares, I’m gonna die soon anyhow.

How FREEING! And what keeps us from living that way? What stops us?

I am reminded that everything is always coming and going, coming and going.

I’d continue with what feels right, good and true. I’d spend less time thinking how to resolve situations with unreasonable, hurtful people. I’d participate much less with their anger and vintictiveness.

I’d free up oodles of time with so much less worry. I already take risks, but the risks I’d take now would be very different. Very different.

I’d worry not about the long term except in how it might impact those I love.

I’d consider exit strategies to certain parts of my life, tomorrow, instead of ‘a bit later’.

There is much more to say about all this, but for this moment, this will be enough, as I’m headed to my flannel sheets. I have some intentions to throw out into the ether.

You might expect to hear more on this topic…..soon.

For now….time to wake up….to stop giving energy to the dark energies, but embrace more, ‘the light’.

There is a huge difference. HUGE!!

Light it up baby…..light it up!

BB

 

The Real Reason November 13, 2010

I was reminded as I sat quietly this early morning….a full day ahead of me of relative freedom….

Desiderata

Go placidly amid the noise and the haste, and remember what peace there may be in silence. As far as possible without surrender be on good terms with all persons. Speak your truth quietly and clearly; and listen to others, even to the dull and the ignorant, they too have their story. Avoid loud and aggressive persons, they are vexations to the spirit.

If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain or bitter; for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself. Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans. Keep interested in your own career, however humble; it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.

Exercise caution in your business affairs, for the world is full of trickery. But let not this blind you to what virtue there is; many persons strive for high ideals, and everywhere life is full of heroism. Be yourself. Especially do not feign affection. Neither be cynical about love; for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment it is as perennial as the grass. Take kindly the counsel of the years, gracefully surrendering the things of youth.

Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune. But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings. Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness. Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here. And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

Therefore, be at peace with God, whatever you conceive Him to be. And whatever your labors and aspirations in the noisy confusion of life, keep peace in your soul. With all its sham, drudgery and broken dreams; it is still a beautiful world. Be cheerful.

Strive to be happy.

— Max Ehrmann, 1927

So, might we all strive to be happy….with what is, with who we are. Perhaps the REAL reason we are here on this very planet.
I have my moments.
Thank you J. xo

BB Webb
Photo credit: Forever Endeavors

 

And then the net lifted. November 11, 2010

I’m enamored (is that the correct word this morning) with the process of being human on this planet. Enamored isn’t the best word, but it’ll have to do for the moment.

I felt a net lift from my myopic view of the world this week. Some things became crystal clear. And if not CRYSTAL clear, my lens was certainly cleared of some significant smudges.

We all react or act according in tandem with our world view and in concert with our past experiences, each of us working to make sense of things and let’s face it, to get what the hell WE want. I suppose it’s human nature.

If you’d been a reader of this blog for a week or a year, you’ll know I’m all about the process of expansion…by that I mean expanding what is possible, our thinking, our consciousness, what the hell we feel might give us (I suppose), happiness or peace.

I’m watchful of late on how people work to get what they feel THEY DESERVE and it’s often not (to me) pretty.

I believe in good manners, open hearts, graciousness and working to be understanding….though there are firm boundaries that MUST be put in place or as I have found, people will push for WAY beyond what to me is a decent or rather reasonable limit. I’m the first one to want to give a bit extra, it’s maybe how I was raised or just what I prefer…..but that stops abruptly when I feel someone is pushing beyond their due, (not a child, they’re still learning) but of note lately, what would seem like educated, reasonable adults.

I’m finding of late that sense of graciousness and generosity of spirit severely, most severely lacking. It makes me want to shut the door on humanity.

But clearly, that’s not my mission here on earth at this particular time, so I wake each morning considering how I’ll play out the day, handle the latest crisis or negotiate what I felt was VERY CLEAR TERMS with a client.

A friend of mine chides me playfully when I share my wanting to embrace ‘more, more, more’…..I don’t mean ‘more’ as in I want more ‘chips’ or stuff…..but new opportunities, peace, loving kindness, projects which fill my heart….and probably less of the things that are hurtful, stabbing, abrasive.

So two things happened this week….all a part of our perhaps etheric experience, as real to me as any piece of peanut buttered toast I might pick up and chew with coffee in the morning. A net was lifted, (there is so much possible) and a shield of sorts has been placed in my energetic field….I feel it. Those abrasive ‘naughties’ won’t get in….they can try, they can push to penetrate a part of me but they’ll have no luck. For I have my battalion of protectors and guides and I cherish their presence in my physical world here.

My job is simple….to make a solid and profound difference with my presence on the planet. How that is done, each day I wonder, but I know it’s true. And each day, I am encouraged with what good things might show up, how I’ll respond in new ways and the enormity of my creative spirit and what new scene might be created in this movie reel called, ‘BB’s life’.

Here’s encouragement for your own movie trailer….might it be a better story than you had ever hoped.

BB Webb