BB Webb as BB Webb!

Exploring the Possibilities

Oooooh la, la….creating space, needed space and spaces filled! September 30, 2010

I wouldn’t say I’m exactly EXPERIMENTING with sleep deprivation and total rest on the other hand….it’s just the way my life seems to go. When fueled with a new idea, passion, interesting project or fully fueled fire…..sleep seems of low priority, (well, until I work to be ‘on point’ the next day). But often, as with this week, a new clarity hits and sleep for the moment is less important.

I this week rearranged ‘spaces’ (all manner of spaces in fact), in my world, starting with some reduction of clutter, not unlike the muck and clutter which gets lodged in between our earlobes! When I get ‘clear’ on things, I am usually quite CLEAR!

I removed an office space which I rarely use on the third floor of my Carl House, turning it instead to a lovely meeting area. I like it. I like especially the part when it is finished, (for now)….I enjoy walking around enjoying this new creation, imagining how the space will be filled, the laughter filling the room, the possible tensions, the plans to be made, the numbers crunched. I like creating spaces and filling them.

My team did a smashingly commendable job of cleaning a long standing mess of a large shed I have out by a small stable on my adjacent property to Carl House. I was amazed what three men (with good direction by their lead man) could do with a disorganized space in the short measure of two and a half hours. I LOVE order! Another new space and my horse renters who use the space are no doubt thrilled as well, (but certainly not so much as I am).

And then at home…slowly, oooooh, as I can eek out time, I was newly inspired to do some organizing in the spare unfinished space above my garage. With an able assistant we also in two and a half hours, (the magic number I’ll venture to say), transformed yet another space, which though I’ve not the monies at present to finish it with dry wall and a ceiling, it is organized, guest beds in place and a large area for my filming….as soon, soon I will begin taping my stories!!

We decided to clean up the garage too and voila, I’m a new woman….gee, that was easy!

And though the photos posted here are not of ‘my’ spaces, they inspire me….they reflect a direction I lean toward somehow.

And I moved my Carl House office to my home office, a space I covet with its high ceilings and spaciousness. I am a woman who needs space, a forest nearby, animals by my side, time to daydream and projects to fill my day, projects I am impassioned by. And the adjacent closet too got some attention late into last evening, bedtime 2:30 yet I arose at 7:30 ready to begin the day as my space is inviting me to create, create new things.

And I must, there is NO other choice. None.

And the two outside sheds behind Carl House are also caught up in this maelstrom of happy activity, one in the process of becoming a new floral department within my business and the other, housing yet another walk-in cooler for flowers, with everything in its surrounds being newly organized.

It was time. As I turn another year older tomorrow, there are new goals, new desires, new ambitions which drive me and to me, there is no greater satisfaction than feeling full and satisfied within ones own spirit and self.

So, stay tuned, there are creations afoot!

BB Webb

 

The Extolled Virtues of the Bunn September 24, 2010

Filed under: LIfe — BB Webb @ 7:12 am
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I’m speaking Bunn-o-matic this morning.

I enjoy coffee, rich, dark, freshly ground, brewed ‘Joe’, half caffeinated, half not, for no one enjoys BB on high octane….not even she. I heat my Land-o-Lakes non fat half and half, (an oxymoron if I’ve ever experienced one)….half and half of WHAT you wonder…..it’s tasty to me and I’m sadly working out far less than I’d prefer presently and though full blown half and half would be my FIRST choice, we make concessions to maintain some preferred life balances. Well, I do. Sigh.

Damn, that was a mouthful of a sentence.

But my Bunn…..o-matic. They were made for me, I’m sure of it….my preferences, desire at times for QUICK results.

I like rising early if I’ve had enough sleep, though more often that not am not unlike a little kid, afraid I’ll miss something as I tend to one thing or another too late in the evening….writing, laundry, dogs, daydreaming time, a bit of dancing, filming a new project, working with my new green screen, or something innocuous on the television. It’s my time to wander and not focus on anything in particular. I covet that time.

This morning I rose earlier than I thought I might. I abhor alarms and can pretty much avoid using them, my inner radar typically waking me up at the time I intend. I have 3 dogs which if you’ve been reading my blog over the last while, you know they are special, little gift beasties….teaching me all manner of things about love, joy, devotion, loyalty, kindness and with Ernie, reflecting my own insecurities from time to time. But most of all….they know about heart and I love them dearly and they me!

They’re scruffy and don’t get brushed much nor need it. But this morning, they are soon off to be groomed, shaped up, toenails clipped, dipped in flea solution as it seems, those little circus hoppers have come onto the scene, creating all manner of annoying nighttime scratching. But….I digress.

This morning I awoke with only a few scratches heard nearby, but wanted to get up. It was 6:45….usually a tad earlier than I like to rise. I’ve NEVER understood 7am business breakfast meetings, though had one 7:30 call at Carl House this week and an 8am meetings on another day. Not my preference. I hit the ground running most days, but running my fingers over a keyboard, not dressed, make up on, highheels shined and ready for PEOPLE. A perk of my job, this flexibility.

Nevertheless, or the more…..so this morning awoke to my normal routine, dogs at my heels, Ernie nearly knocking me over with his eagerness for his early morning bowl of crunchie doggie bits, jumping like a pogo stick with his excitement, (which when I have a grump going on drives me mad…..where I hold my hand above his head so he’ll ‘please stop’).

Who am I to curtail the joy of this wonder dog?

So this morning, into the kitchen, turn on my NON-Bunn coffee machine, a sprinkle of shrimp flakes for the fish, (also jumping up in the bowl with THEIR excitement of shrimp grub), turn amidst three twirling, jumping hound dogs, I turn off my house alarm system and head toward the back porch, Ernie pushing me all the way, Bert with his characteristic ‘bunny’, one of his dozen or so stuffed animals. He is my gift boy, always present with a ‘bunny’ to share. My boy! Out onto the porch, three noses poking at me to ‘hurry mom, we’re hungry’. Ernie first or I might get run over, Bert next and patient Bonnie, their mama, third. She let’s the bowl sit awhile, long after her two boys have eaten. And should Ernie approach her bowl after he is done, ooooh, we know who the true Alpha is, quiet mommy who can put him in his place with one yelp, despite being half his size.

In I fly followed by three kitties, all of whom have spent the night lounging under last night’s full and beautiful moon, enjoying the soft doggie cushions or porch furniture, hunting a bit maybe. In they fly, ready for their crunchy grub. Off I move to the laundry where there large bowl sits, ready to be filled. Scoop, scoop, all is well. Throw some wash from the washer to the dryer. (They like the vibration as they nibble atop this machine).

Back to the kitchen I move, rather quickly for this early hour. The coffee pot has barely spotted a drop of coffee. It is SLOW…..and I am not one to wait for my Joe….not sure how this (frankly expensive machine) became so SLOOOOW….but it is. I consider moving back to my computer….eager to get the day going.

But there are other things which need tending to. So, I make my lunch….my current theme, cottage cheese, mixed with yogurt and a slew of nuts and cut up some strawberries, dismayed that I’d let so many grow mold on them…..I sweeten the whole thing with stevia, stir it wildly and put it back in the fridge.

Coffee only 1/2 an inch high in the pot. Good heavens. The kitties all reemerge, ready to go outside again. My weekends at home are often spent opening and closing doors, the in and out animal game. They have me so well trained!

So, I empty the dishwasher, which I love to avoid. All these terrific modern conveniences…..I feel quite stupid complaining. But, bowls here, glasses there, coffee mugs stacked. I peer at the pot and hear myself saying outloud, ‘Damn this pot is SLOW.’

I pour my morning keifer drink to take my vitamins….slurp, slurp….wipe the counter, organize the fridge, throw out a few foldy, wrinkled pieces of neglected fruit, (how I hate waste), recycle a container or two. Drip, slooow drip, drip. I pick out a favored coffee mug, the new one, a find from Goodwill, with the curved edges, pottery feel, the perfect size, lip, texture, all important for my first early morning sipping experience. The second cup holds not the same allure, but the first, perhaps like a first kiss, always a bit different from whatever you’d experienced before, the sensation, warm, the way it goes down.

Finally, I can’t stand it. I pour a cup, thick as tar, dark as ink. I’d already heated my feaux half and half and upon sipping, DAMN, I can feel the hair sproinging from my chest it’s so strong. I like strong but this is TOO strong. I flip my filtered water spout and add some water to this lazy, non caring brew…..put it in the microwave, (which feels like blasphemy) and wait 19 seconds to heat it to my desired temp.

Out it comes, sip, ahhhh, a bit strong, but Houston, we have touchdown….liftoff!

Off to my bedroom. I sit with my computer, ponder my upcoming day, cup of brew by my side, all livestock tended and me, having a moment…..for me. A favored time, still a bit dark outside.

Life is good and ‘slow’, for this woman, is not bad.

Though….though she considers…..I will be acquiring soon, a Bunn-o-matic, (the other one lost in a divorce)…..I will find one, on sale too. Brew in 3 minutes flat. Rich, tasty, perfect every time and Quickdraw McDraw FAST. And if I must succumb to buying one overly priced unit NEW, it will no doubt, be WORTH EVERY DAD GUM, quick drip PENNY!!

BB Webb

 

The Many Parts of We September 20, 2010

BB and her brother's friend Joey Shine....18, 19 years old...and with my dog Kate. There should always be a dog....as they have SO much to teach us! Fearlessness for one!

I am considering this evening the many parts of we….all of us, me, the people I know, the ones I know well, others not so, and the new ones gracing my world who I’m eager to know better…..then I consider, that less confident side of myself….’.if I don’t muck up!’ Quite a comment for an otherwise confident person.

Oh the many parts of we.

When something good comes in, I find it hard to consider losing it….funny when we’ve been forever without it. Like the sound of a new song, the taste of something pleasurably new, a touch you’ve not felt, as soon as you’ve had it, going without seems as though it might break your heart.

I’m considering how clear certain people seem, about life, about themselves, confident, complicated perhaps but having learned ways to deal with their own complexities. And I consider my own complexities and defense structures that I’ve not yet learned to manage as well as I might. My world has layers. My heart has the most….perhaps for all of us.

And in certain situations I listen to the words coming from my mouth and I wonder, ‘why or where did THAT come from’…..a jagged comment, a mask to what’s really behind and it disarms me…..usually after its done its damage, and later on, when the ridiculous-ness of that moment in time hits me, and usually quite hard, I wish I would have not reacted so quickly, thoughtlessly.

Behind our masks are places as tender as an oyster’s belly. And should those places be nurtured and cared for, with hearts willing to embrace all our edges, pieces and moments, oooh the pearl that might develop.

And if I could but meditate quietly, or with Osho’s tapes, moving dancing, shaking lose the pieces which jump in to sabotage, hide, or inhibit the lovely vulnerability which we are, oh the miracles which might unfold.

Funny how at 20 I didn’t think about these things. There was less to seemingly defend.

Even funnier, it’s the same now as it was then…though life and our experience of it makes us forget. So, I’m having a little talk with myself about it all and hope I’ll listen. White knuckles….I’m on pins and needles!

I should have been a dog!

BB Webb

 

Opportunity September 19, 2010

Might we consider the opportunities available to us everyday.

I was considering today how many ways there are to look at any one situation.

How many ways there are to look at a person.

At ourselves.

At the world I suppose.

I’m lately noticing my own perceived limitations. Lovely really, for then I have an opportunity to bound past them.

Zoom.

I’m not a stroller…not much.

But just like an ‘overnight success’….a new perspective seems to take hold immediately.

When it’s time to shift, the shifting happens.

You can’t rush success any more than you can rush a flower to bloom or a mind, body or soul to do much of anything until it’s ready.

September I feel is leap month…I feel people around me, myself, so many things around me….leaping. Not small steps here, no dawdling, but leaping.

Just thinking….

BB Webb

 

A roundabout she does go and go September 14, 2010

With the cool weather I’m back to my favorite several mile trek taking a little over an hour to cover the ground I choose. It’s good time for me, moving, breathing, allowing my mind to wander as it will. And, like getting a good night of sleep, I wonder, ‘how is it I forgot how good this feels. When did I stop doing this?’

I opted for no music this evening, needing to sort through a pile of thoughts, feelings, things going on at work, in my personal life, considering how to do the many things I SAY are important along with the things which ARE important in managing my business, health, attitude, ‘needs’, desires, curiosities, passions, creative or otherwise. I suppose it’s all rather subjective.

I recall my best pal Lulu, (you’ve heard me no doubt say it before), have no expectations and you won’t be disappointed.

I’m considering, how do we best take care of ourselves? From there, it seems the rest is icing. I like icing but too much makes me sick so I’d best stay with a healthy dose of what I can provide me. That’s where I am today.

Though roundabout I do go…

And during my walk I found my brain messing about with the word fall. Fall as in autumn and falling, falling down, falling in love, leaves falling. And fell…..and this is how queer the mind, (ok, mine), can be……follow this if you dare, (and certainly feel free to ‘fall’ out as you will….)


I considered the words ‘fell’. How close it is to feel. Fall, containing the word ‘all’….backwards llaf, laugh….Laughing at it all as I fall, fall, fall and how I feel, falling and all, laughable the feeling of it all, fell, ELF…Elfen it all, this falling while feeling it all, the all, be all, end all, the lefs falling and how it felt, this fall…..

I had to make myself stop. (Frankly I often worry myself with this brain-heart combo). Circles and circles we can go with no place to go at all. And here is the world in which I find myself….TODAY.

And then to realize it’s all inside us….everything we need, the satisfaction of our desires, really. Falling in love with what is, and ourselves JUST AS WE ARE….this moment then the next….deciding where we need to go or be in any given moment…be it roundabout, home, (inside yourself) or no where at all. The choices are as varied as m&ms in a bag.

And I wonder at the feelings which in any given day can swarm me like locust on a field of (whatever the hell locusts eat), insistent and penetrating.

So I saged my house because it makes me feel good, a ritual I get and it smells delightful to me. It’s my way, felt right. I imbued the smoke with intentions of love, peace, prosperity and joy and wondered at why that is so difficult at times for me to embrace.


So, to bed early as there is nothing more to be done this day, but give thanks, love on my animals, thank the people who both challenge me and the ones who for some reason or another love me, honor the day and the blessings which are mine.

Humbled, as usual and eager to FALL to sleep and preferable STAY there awhile.

BB Webb

 

Men…..Women, Hearts and Minds September 12, 2010

We all know we are different, men and women. I’m thinking today about really how we are the same, though come at our desires and needs differently. I’ll venture to say that even with sexuality, with a commensurate blend of mind and heart, men AND women seek fulfillment of pleasure, (yep, satisfaction) and connection there as well. We however need those parts satisfied in perhaps different ways, but not SO different I’ll postulate. Just thinking. (Ha)! Mind. Heart.

As a woman, I know I need to feel connection and do so through heart, dialogue, seeing someone’s eyes, listening, talking, surrounding myself with empathic folk. That’s me and many of the women and honestly, more conscious men in my circle of influence.

Our culture is high on the 3rd chakra scale…and if you don’t know what that is, look it up, they are wheels of energy, measurable energetically just as organs in our body are, spheres of energy that work within us and if they are too big (energetically speaking), turned slightly askew, (again, energetically), they can mess with our sense of well being.

(Quick side note, children historically placed on Ritalin when taught to mindfully control the energetic size of specific chakras, have managed their energy and thus behaviors differently and have been successfully taken off medication).


I know this is a tad ‘out there’ for some of you and forgive me that I have no greater language for this field of study, though I’ve studied and practiced manipulating these energies and it’s real and it’s powerful.

But back to men and women, one of my favorite topics and not much explored here (yet) in this blog. We all have a brain and logic and a heart and feeling, though the male and female brains work differently, the combination of the two, I feel, is key for a healthy and balanced WE….as far as any of us can COME to balance.

When I consider our relative dis-ease in the world these days, again, our culture being excessively ‘mind-y’….I think that perhaps we often look too hard in ONE direction and maybe not enough in another.

I had the rare privilege to partake in a poker evening with my new friend and his 6 male chums in a garage tucked away in the suburbs of Georgia. Such an enlightening experience to tuck my head in, play some cards and be a part of their world….all fascinating really. It held my interest longer than I thought it might…..mostly in seeing how we all dart and dodge, choose and pick our degree of intimacy, friendship, transparency, intensity, our lobbying (I’m talking me here as well….) for our attentions, to be heard, seen, recognized for who we are all the while playing our safe hiding games.

And then there is the unconscious in all of us.

I continue to want more than might be considered someone’s ‘share’…I allude to it as my ‘MORE’. I’m not ashamed. I don’t want a pallid existence and I want to taste a great many things….all that I might feel, yes even the uncomfortable stuff, which I find that if I make it real, I can then move past it to something more preferable. Preferable is good!

I wondered at the lives of these several men, all full of piss and vinegar and all that testosterone. I’m used to such a gang growing up with all brothers and all boy cousins. I’ve a good measure (I think….maybe), of mind-y and heart but a similar knee jerk reaction to things that sting….not always willing to just be with the feeling, consider what someone else is sharing, breathe and listen.

I could see the same with these fine men.

I wondered at the lives they live, their marriages, if they are fulfilled in their day to day. I expect a lot from myself and my quality of connection with people who matter to me.

How humbling to feel my own fears when trying to truly connect, hoping to be open, mindfully vulnerable, though know certainly we all have not always been met with understanding or open arms. So, we each develop brakes which we employ when newness insists on taking us past our comfort zones.

I hope to be an example, a mirror of openness despite my trepidations.

And, don’t we all deserve our preferences. I think so! Mine always changing as my heart (okay, and mind), will allow!

I rally for more open hearts as I’ve felt the difference in being right vs. being loving.

I’ll work to stay loving.

And thank the special people showing up in my life for being so as well.

BB Webb

(And, Happy Birthday and fond memories to my first dog, Peter PIper Shiningcliff Banta, a West Highland White Terrier. Piper would have been 48 years old tomorrow, that’s 336 in doggie years. That sweet pup taught me what a true friend is).

 

Deleting she did go. September 11, 2010

I woke this morning, oooooh, after a long and luxurious sleep, my favorite…to a kind, thoughtful, sweet and loving note from a new friend.

It was so different from the sort of communiques I’ve received over the past many years….in many ways. I sat with it, considering the sort of person who might write such a thoughtful paragraph of prose. I considered the heart, life experience, understanding of me and perhaps the Universe that such an epistle might suggest.

I sat with those sweet thoughts quite awhile, silently, (or as silent as my mind will let me sit), sipping at my coffee, enjoying the comfort of a morning to myself with no ‘work-work’ I HAD to tend to…I sat and let the thoughts, my world, my memories, drift over and through me.

And in an instant, in my own BB way….I jumped into action, and began deleting names from my address book. Why have I kept the names of hurtful people in my Blackberry??? Sincerely!! Out went names of colleagues, ‘friends’, former lovers, folks who serve me no longer…clearly taking up too much of my coveted electronic band width!

This reminded me of a time when my brother noticed me going through a box of old love notes from boyfriends and dear friends in my past. Sweet notes of affection and friendship from throughout the years, my travels, my experiences. I shared a few with him, he a man soulfully married since he was 22 or 23….

‘Why are you throwing these out sis? You need to save these, they’re great love notes and memories of friends.’

‘I like to move forward,’ I responded. ‘I have those memories in my heart.’

‘Really!’ he looked at me incredulous.

‘Sure….they’ve made me who I am today, greater evidence than a piece of paper.’

‘But what if no one loves you that way again.’

I remember looking him squarely in the eyes, my five years junior overshadowing his naivete.

‘Jeffrey, of course I’ll be loved again, in news ways and perhaps BETTER! However could I live thinking I would not!’ I gently stroked his arm and smiled.

‘l’ll take my chances.’

Funny all that…. surprises ’round every corner, all to be enjoyed for the moments, days, months or years they will allow.

Appreciating and enjoying each moment, I feel, is key. I’m not yet perfected in this area, though I endeavor to try!

And, I’ve found today, the great liberation in shucking the folks who just don’t serve me well. No anger, bitterness, heat toward any of it, I won’t spend my energy there. But dissolved go they with a small prayer of thanks for the lessons learned and the foresight to ‘leggo Dorothy, leggo’.

Peace.

My memory of the small shards of paper strewn everywhere at the 9/11 site just after the travesty. That memory and the many, many notes upon the wall from loved ones, loved ones mourning the loss, better seeing the import of such friendships, loves, alliances, in their absence. Life spins so quickly on. Might we abandon of our safety valves. Please.

To those souls from only 9 years past, peace to you and all who loved you and…
love from me.

Yes, simply, emphatically, MORE peace and love, MORE, MORE…..
MORE……please.

Love,

BB Webb