Consider this. If you tune in, really tune in to what is unfolding in your life, can’t you feel when things are shifting and turning, realigning in a sense.
I’m not just talking when things seem to feel better, or you start getting along with your wife, or you get hired to a more fitting job, or your health improves, OR, conversely, shifts in what outwardly feels like a negative spiral…at least something NOT to our liking.
No, I’m referring more to an deep inner knowing shift….your DNA perhaps taking an evolutionary turn, appeasing the Gods of limitation, showing that, no, no, you ARE more powerful than anyone imagined, certainly than YOU imagined.
For I can say, even not knowing you perhaps personally, you ARE. We all are. I think our purpose on the planet is to realize that power…..used for good I would reckon, not sure why I consider that the case, but I do as recklessness, horror, hate and crappy behavior, I don’t get….certainly not when a conscious choice to ‘another way’ is available.
Though, I do understand being in places in our lives where we feel hopeless, helpless and powerless. I had such a moment last Saturday morning, and it was hysterical in retrospect.
(I love retrospect….it makes for GREAT stories…and as a sideline note, I’ve been having a terrific time putting MY stories on tape….soon to be shared, destined as a start for YouTube. I’m thrilled to get them in 3D and with a voice behind them, giving them, to me, more life and the expression I feel when writing them)…
…but, back to my meltdown. They don’t come often as I’ve as feisty and perhaps curmudgeonly as they come in moments….I DON’T take NO for an answer, readily….(in certain areas of my life)…..and though the details don’t matter, I had a rather hysterical ‘come to Jesus meeting’ with myself, at my wits end, the end of my rope, the tail pipe of my Thunderbird and the drain of my resourcefulness early, early last Saturday morning.
A thunderstorm was beckoning this outburst, coaxing me on, Ernie, my needy Husky boy, prompting my disdain and frustration as he whimpered to come in with a whine and tone that pierces my ear and frustrates me to no end. This boy with his full under cover porch, two floors really, with comfy dog houses, fluffy pillows, instead, standing outside my bedroom window-door whining in that frantic, annoying pitch, getting totally sopped, rain pouring on his thick yellow and black peppered hide.
I, all the while working through some grave issues of the moment, both perplexing and real, weary of the stress I was under, the need to rally solutions and new support, topped with thunder rocking my home, lightning sure to strike my dog acting like an idiot, (I felt) in the rain….needy and whining with every advantage at his paw-tips.
It was then I let my own rage loose, shouting through the window, ‘get out of the RAIN Ernie you moron, damn it, stop being so stupid…..AND STOP THAT INCESSANT WHINING DAAAAAAMN IT).
As I moved out of my bedroom I saw him fly to the porch, he racing around the back of my home as he does, to always be in eyes view of his ‘mama’. I could feel my rage course through my body and I know what I’m capable of in these moments of fatigue and no answers.
I opened the back door and shouted some mean things to Ernie, to shape up, stop being so senseless, cuss words at which I’m so adept, not making me feel any better, or that I was yelling at my loyal dog of 11 years. I could feel the guilt cloak me as I continued my rant, my body pulsing with rage, not anger, rage….seething rage…..anger is sensible….anger is healthy, rage on the other hand, is not, but reckless and unpredictable. It is helpless in those moments, hopeless and we feel powerless.
And I did. I stormed back in my house, slammed the door making the windows shake….stomping back and forth on my wood floors with all my weight and I was heavy in those moments, heavy with grief, frustration, my feelings of limitation, in my bedroom, though the living room, in my kitchen, a small space but an area enough to if not dissipate, release this tension which had been mounting for weeks, oh Lord, maybe months, years……I shouted, I cried, I screamed til my throat hurt and let loose anger and frustration I didn’t know I had hiding within my body. How could I carry all that….where was this coming from?
I finally found myself on my knees, fallen forward, nearly feeling the cliche, asking, ‘Oh GOD, I don’t know what else to do, help me please, I don’t have a clue what else I can do.’
And with that very request, summons, admonition, I don’t know, I could feel something begin to settle, a surrender, a letting go, the hinge coming off a shutter that didn’t need to be on this window of my soul, I don’t NEED to have all the answers, but I can ask for help, from God, the Universe, the ether net of worldly EVERYTHING….I’m not alone.
And then, my phone rang…my home phone which I don’t give out, have only for my security system…..and, oh, oh, and for my neighbors….I slowly walked toward the phone, looked squarely at it, lifted the receiver and in a sheepish voice, thunder still rocking my home,
‘Hello, this is BB’.
‘BB, this is your Carol, your neighbor’.
Oh God, my mouth dropped open before quickly responding, ‘oooooh, ooooooh, oooooooh, hi Carol.’ I could feel my face tighten. ‘Did you hear my screaming?’
‘Yes honey, is everything alright.’
‘Yes, yes, I was just angry with Ernie and frustrated with some stuff I’m going through and had to let off some steam. Everything is okay’.
‘Well, we were just worried.’
‘Thank you. I’m fine,’ and more quickly, ‘We’re all fine, everything’s fine, just fine.’ I paused. ‘Sorry about my language.’
She laughed, ‘oh honey, Bill and I were on the porch listening to the storm, we didn’t hear anything except screaming,’ she continued to giggle. ‘You just get it out honey, you get it all out. We’re here if you need us’.
‘Thank you Carol, I’m so sorry to worry you. Thank you.’
‘Oh, we’re fine. You just call if you need us’.
I hung up the phone and felt my body settle back down to the earth. A deep breath, some guilt in being so reckless, yelling at my yellow pup who wants only to be near me, see me through the window if I am in my bedroom, see me through the window if I’m on the sofa. My protector, yes needy as all get-out…but willing to get soaked to be near me, to lend a hand, a paw.
And I asked for help and the phone rang. And I asked for help and on Monday a solution came to one gargantuan off setting challenge. I asked for help and I found new solutions to business, several in fact. I asked for help and a new friend appeared.
I asked for help and I got it.
I am in awe of the mysteries of this Universe. I am in awe.