BB Webb as BB Webb!

Exploring the Possibilities

And When She Asked for Help…The Storm Did Subside August 28, 2010

Consider this. If you tune in, really tune in to what is unfolding in your life, can’t you feel when things are shifting and turning, realigning in a sense.

I’m not just talking when things seem to feel better, or you start getting along with your wife, or you get hired to a more fitting job, or your health improves, OR, conversely, shifts in what outwardly feels like a negative spiral…at least something NOT to our liking.

No, I’m referring more to an deep inner knowing shift….your DNA perhaps taking an evolutionary turn, appeasing the Gods of limitation, showing that, no, no, you ARE more powerful than anyone imagined, certainly than YOU imagined.

For I can say, even not knowing you perhaps personally, you ARE. We all are. I think our purpose on the planet is to realize that power…..used for good I would reckon, not sure why I consider that the case, but I do as recklessness, horror, hate and crappy behavior, I don’t get….certainly not when a conscious choice to ‘another way’ is available.

Though, I do understand being in places in our lives where we feel hopeless, helpless and powerless. I had such a moment last Saturday morning, and it was hysterical in retrospect.

(I love retrospect….it makes for GREAT stories…and as a sideline note, I’ve been having a terrific time putting MY stories on tape….soon to be shared, destined as a start for YouTube. I’m thrilled to get them in 3D and with a voice behind them, giving them, to me, more life and the expression I feel when writing them)…

…but, back to my meltdown. They don’t come often as I’ve as feisty and perhaps curmudgeonly as they come in moments….I DON’T take NO for an answer, readily….(in certain areas of my life)…..and though the details don’t matter, I had a rather hysterical ‘come to Jesus meeting’ with myself, at my wits end, the end of my rope, the tail pipe of my Thunderbird and the drain of my resourcefulness early, early last Saturday morning.

A thunderstorm was beckoning this outburst, coaxing me on, Ernie, my needy Husky boy, prompting my disdain and frustration as he whimpered to come in with a whine and tone that pierces my ear and frustrates me to no end. This boy with his full under cover porch, two floors really, with comfy dog houses, fluffy pillows, instead, standing outside my bedroom window-door whining in that frantic, annoying pitch, getting totally sopped, rain pouring on his thick yellow and black peppered hide.

I, all the while working through some grave issues of the moment, both perplexing and real, weary of the stress I was under, the need to rally solutions and new support, topped with thunder rocking my home, lightning sure to strike my dog acting like an idiot, (I felt) in the rain….needy and whining with every advantage at his paw-tips.
It was then I let my own rage loose, shouting through the window, ‘get out of the RAIN Ernie you moron, damn it, stop being so stupid…..AND STOP THAT INCESSANT WHINING DAAAAAAMN IT).

As I moved out of my bedroom I saw him fly to the porch, he racing around the back of my home as he does, to always be in eyes view of his ‘mama’. I could feel my rage course through my body and I know what I’m capable of in these moments of fatigue and no answers.

I opened the back door and shouted some mean things to Ernie, to shape up, stop being so senseless, cuss words at which I’m so adept, not making me feel any better, or that I was yelling at my loyal dog of 11 years. I could feel the guilt cloak me as I continued my rant, my body pulsing with rage, not anger, rage….seething rage…..anger is sensible….anger is healthy, rage on the other hand, is not, but reckless and unpredictable. It is helpless in those moments, hopeless and we feel powerless.

And I did. I stormed back in my house, slammed the door making the windows shake….stomping back and forth on my wood floors with all my weight and I was heavy in those moments, heavy with grief, frustration, my feelings of limitation, in my bedroom, though the living room, in my kitchen, a small space but an area enough to if not dissipate, release this tension which had been mounting for weeks, oh Lord, maybe months, years……I shouted, I cried, I screamed til my throat hurt and let loose anger and frustration I didn’t know I had hiding within my body. How could I carry all that….where was this coming from?

I finally found myself on my knees, fallen forward, nearly feeling the cliche, asking, ‘Oh GOD, I don’t know what else to do, help me please, I don’t have a clue what else I can do.’

And with that very request, summons, admonition, I don’t know, I could feel something begin to settle, a surrender, a letting go, the hinge coming off a shutter that didn’t need to be on this window of my soul, I don’t NEED to have all the answers, but I can ask for help, from God, the Universe, the ether net of worldly EVERYTHING….I’m not alone.

And then, my phone rang…my home phone which I don’t give out, have only for my security system…..and, oh, oh, and for my neighbors….I slowly walked toward the phone, looked squarely at it, lifted the receiver and in a sheepish voice, thunder still rocking my home,

‘Hello, this is BB’.

‘BB, this is your Carol, your neighbor’.

Oh God, my mouth dropped open before quickly responding, ‘oooooh, ooooooh, oooooooh, hi Carol.’ I could feel my face tighten. ‘Did you hear my screaming?’

‘Yes honey, is everything alright.’

‘Yes, yes, I was just angry with Ernie and frustrated with some stuff I’m going through and had to let off some steam. Everything is okay’.

‘Well, we were just worried.’

‘Thank you. I’m fine,’ and more quickly, ‘We’re all fine, everything’s fine, just fine.’ I paused. ‘Sorry about my language.’

She laughed, ‘oh honey, Bill and I were on the porch listening to the storm, we didn’t hear anything except screaming,’ she continued to giggle. ‘You just get it out honey, you get it all out. We’re here if you need us’.

‘Thank you Carol, I’m so sorry to worry you. Thank you.’

‘Oh, we’re fine. You just call if you need us’.

I hung up the phone and felt my body settle back down to the earth. A deep breath, some guilt in being so reckless, yelling at my yellow pup who wants only to be near me, see me through the window if I am in my bedroom, see me through the window if I’m on the sofa. My protector, yes needy as all get-out…but willing to get soaked to be near me, to lend a hand, a paw.

And I asked for help and the phone rang. And I asked for help and on Monday a solution came to one gargantuan off setting challenge. I asked for help and I found new solutions to business, several in fact. I asked for help and a new friend appeared.

I asked for help and I got it.

I am in awe of the mysteries of this Universe. I am in awe.

BB Webb

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Falling Forward August 24, 2010

I felt it….this morning. Unable to sleep….doing my toss-turn-flop-head churning-dreaming thing I do when I can’t sleep. (it’s the dogs and their incessant licking that woke me…..oooooh, my pups….CLEAN pups)!

Okay, Mercury’s in retrograde (and more specifically, here)….my friend Louise keeps me up to date with such things. I’m never sure what that means though I respect forces beyond my comprehension and have surely been witness to the breakdown of my electronic devices, (lo a week before retrograde, me the early bird over-achiever).

But, my internet is back, phone still quixotic in nature on my home turf and the tv….who cares, it’s been blipping in and out of a clear view for well over a week now.

But this morning…after the t-t-thing, (toss-turn), I got up to start my day….most uncharacteristically at 4:50am. Goodness, am I becoming my best pal 2Lu who rarely sleeps over 4 hours a night? (frankly that will never be me). But up I was and as usual, off to feed incessantly licking dogs (who I had to put out of my bedroom at 2am….)….Ernie jumping like a pogo with each step toward the door and his food. He anticipates his feeding frenzy which last a good 20 seconds, that cup of food gobbled in record speed.

There is a lesson there I feel.

Then there is the belly rubbing ritual with Lester, my kitty who is care taker to the other two. I sit on the floor while my coffee burbles and onto his back for a belly rub and drool. It’s a recent ritual that he’ll now not do without. How animals love ritual and, like all of us, to be loved on.

Waiting on my coffee I decided to boil some eggs for lunch. Out with the pan, water 3/4 up the side and 6 eggs, (some for later) into the water. I noticed they were floating and somewhere in the dark reaches of my noggin, I knew that to be odd. I cracked one to give to my kitties (they love the yolk) and pheeeewwww…..instant stink reigned. A green eggs and ham, grey and fecid looking egg.

The very thing I wrote about in my blog last evening. I opened each one and yuck, yuck, yuck, yuck. Down the garbage disposal with some baking soda to kill the stench. Incense was the only cure.

It was then I thought, hmmmmmm…..the power of my thoughts, will, intention. Okay, coincidence you say, writing about a rotten egg and manifesting one (several) the very next day.

I’ll choose my metaphors in life just as I’ll choose my manifesting beliefs. If I’m truly onto newer, greener, shiner pastures, why not herald it big time and consider all possibilities. Why not says I?

And so it is…..and as I found myself microwaving a small bowl of oatmeal, pecans and fresh blueberries, an homage to summer and the onset of fall, (first oatmeal of the season), I opened my door to let Annie kitty indoors and in waft a hint of fall….autumn in Georgia, in August!

It might have been my air conditioning, but I felt something, and not just in how the cool air felt, but that smell, that intoxicating fall time smell. And I was encouraged. I’m not exactly sure about what, but I felt myself falling, falling for something new and I’m not just referring to a new weather pattern or season…..maybe it is me changing.

We are but mirrors of what we put forth.

I’m all for it. I am all for a new vibe.

‘Rally forth’ I heard me say to myself, ‘let it go….let all that doesn’t server you go,’ as I sipped that first hot, strong sip of brew.

And I found myself singing Bonnie’s song….to myself.

Fearless Love

Come my love
Come bravely to me
Let your heart be still
For our time
Has come my tender one
To be free of will

And fly
Blind on fearless love
Let them wild winds blow
We’ll shine
On all we’re fearful of
Then we’ll let it go
Let it go

Skippin’ stones
Across the great unknown
Safe at water’s edge
Don’t look down, baby
We’re gonna leave this losin’ town
(and) leap out from the ledge

And fly
Blind on fearless love
Let them wild winds blow
We’ll shine
On all we’re fearful of
Then we’ll let it go
Let it go

BB Webb

 

Dayz-D August 23, 2010

I have no need for TV…unless I need some comedy in my life…..though I suppose comedy is in the eye of the beholder.

A rotten egg can be comical if you like watching things decompose, fall apart, turn green then grey. I guess that could be comical.

I’m stretching here.

The human race embarrasses me today. I am on the receiving end of a blunt, face bunt….

I’m sturdy, I’ll recover for sure.

But ouch.

People can be horrid and I wonder why….what possesses people to be hurtful, rude, uncaring and hateful???

Then, in the same breath, I met recently a person both kind and giving….several in fact, in just a few days.

Yes, we all want what we want….but there are ways to go about it which don’t work to destroy others.

I believe in some semblance of karma.

And with that, I’ll not contribute to the horridness I see, I will affirm instead, in ho’oponopono fashion:

‘I’m sorry, please forgive me, I love you, thank you.’

Though far from perfect at much of anything, I know my heart and my intent, at all times.

I prefer being part of a solution, not the problem.

And I prefer loving choices, not ones seeping with mercury, angst, victim oozing or gun metal gray overtones.

It just ain’t my thing. A cleansing I shall go. And there is much to cleanse.

BB Webb

 

You Tubing Down the River of Life… August 19, 2010

I have some stories to tell.

I do.

They’re from all the things I observe in any given day and ooooooh, I see EVERYthing! Ask my team at Carl House!

The stories have been mounting up and if I don’t share them, I may clog up and die, hardened arteries from lack of expression.

A creative spirit stuck in too many daily details, is to me, like a bird stuck with oil in its wings, it’s hard to fly.

Caught in my garden, considering a plan, pondering my next move: Photo by J. Allen Mullins

So, I’ve been washing my wings of the minutia and necessary details of my current day-to-day and I’ve got some plans.

A friend suggested You Tube. Thank you friend!

I listen to about everything that comes my way….I throw out the crap, syphon the good ideas, to assure they really are….and then make them into something that fits me.

I love that part of my day.

For I found at 4pm after a LOOOOOOOOONG day of meetings and teaching people to FISH instead of me bringing the smelly dinner to them, that I was EXHAUSTED. Fried. Fish fried!

But, it’s my job and as we all get more savvy with each of our roles and jobs, I become freer to fly off with new ideas.

I can fly down the You Tube river telling stories which just NEED to get out. I feel the need for a NEW character AND costume change. (There must ALWAYS be a costume, and accessories….or why live)!

I’m an actress really, playing a business lady role just now….doing a rather fine job of it, of late…..as I study my characters intensely not wanting too many bad moments on stage and surely prefer to not go UP on my lines. Eventually I find my groove!

My beloved mentor, the legendary Tony Montanaro, taught me the absolute VALUE of bombing. As I’ve said before, you DON’T know what you DON’T know, til you KNOW it.

Bombings make for good stories. You FEEL what doesn’t fit and then you learn what DOES! Awesome really!

I have stories ready for delivery. And for now, told near home, while I see if my peeps are doing the fishing they should. And then, well, then me and Horton will discover who and where we need to go. And 2Lu will be with me. And maybe some other friends will visit along the way.

New roles, new muscles to flex. I like muscles! I like variety! And fun people who I can laugh with easily.

It’s Storytime!

Stay tuned.

If you dare.

‘BB’s Webb, Notes from the Highwire.’

Live, uncensored and BBlicious.

Soon to be released.

I’m soon to be released!

BB Webb

 

Drove my Chevy to the Levity

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Oooooh, those 18th Century Writers! August 16, 2010

“Pleasure is very seldom found where it is sought; our brightest blazes of gladness are commonly kindled by unexpected sparks.”

Samuel Johnson, 18th Century English writer

Samuel Johnson knew….he knew about the ‘push me, pull you cycle’ which when released, frees up all manner of ease.

(He was an erudite man indeed, writing not the first dictionary, but one considered the most complete to date.

When I consider the ‘first’ dictionaries known to man…. I’m thinking SURELY there was a tablet in stone somewhere long ago with conjunctions and words worth remembering….or those Philistines’ looking for just the right retort or ardor-filled phrasing in a sparring with their neighbor, the perfect harangue.

Even more interesting is the picture I see of this person practicing their phrase for the heat of battle.

Just considering.

Let it come. Bring it on. The good, the blessings, the unexpected gifts, be they words, gestures, romance, good health, a surprise trip, idea, prosperity or just plain good news when you were poised to manage the worst.

Bring it on I say, bring on the good, bring it on.

And then perhaps, I consider, it is all good.

Some moments just FEEL better than others.

BB Webb

 

BACK DOWN Memory Lane August 15, 2010

With a hint of fall in the air, despite the interminable heat in Georgia, I know when I’m in transition, and I’m not talking the small moving from here to there sort of thing, but the kind when I stop BUYING furniture, and instead find myself moving it around in my house, at my business. Something bigger is afoot and for me, it’s been in the making for several years. And might I add, painstakingly arduous and, time will show, transformative years.

All quite good in the grand scheme, (of course), though while in the midst of such mayhem, it’s hard to see and at times, certainly harder to believe. But I am a woman of great faith, and not the traditional kind as I’m not much of a follower. Things have to make sense to me and frankly, most of what I see in the world DOES NOT.

So, in my own way, I light candles….in the dark.

It takes 9 months to grow a human being, it takes decades to wake one up. It is certainly a process, being on this particular planet. The lifetime journey(s), (‘life’ to ‘life’) I know less about but I imagine the ‘ahas’ are of grandiose size when looking at the ‘big’ picture of that journey.

So where do I find myself today? I spent a good part of yesterday transforming a room I have upstairs in my home….it wasn’t being used often, the office or the workout room….so I changed them, and again, I want to go there. I threw out many old things, (a year or two old, if I have clutter much older than that, shoot me….I’m doomed)! and made it smell good, added new painting and plants, rearranged, made it more a place to sit, read, watch tv, workout should I choose to at home. I like it! So I moved onto the rest of upstairs, as homes NEED our focused energy from time to time and CERTAINLY the clutter moved out….and I have some more work to do today.

I need room for what is coming.

I feel as though I am preparing for the birth of a child. ‘When will she be here’? Yes, long in the coming, but I know she’s due for arrival soon. And oooooh, will she be a welcomed presence in my world!

So I cleaned out my freezer too, and plan to tackle the cupboards where sauce pots and baking pans are kept, as I can barely open a cupboard without something falling out. (No, not as much entertaining going on at my home as I prefer, but that is changing as well. New people will be showing up in my life. It’s time).

Intention is powerful and though I keep my dreaming open to a visit or determined residence, from something better than I might imagine, open it is. And not uplike memory lane, I’m allowing past images to either bolster me forward, or to BACK DOWN, out they go with the other garbage I am tossing so triumphantly in the trash can.

Good God! My will astounds me.

Joi de Vivre!

BB Webb