When we forget….there is just no simpler way to put it. Forget or perhaps revert….to old ways that just don’t work anymore. It’s like getting stuck in the gutter lane when bowling….you’re cruising along just fine and then suddenly your tire hits the berm, and oooooh, you lean to the left hoping it won’t get stuck there, one, two lean but DAMN….too late….
You have to wait this one out….let all the old shit pile up beside you, images of the past, those insecurities which make you feel like a teenager at a dance, with your braces and flat chest. You only notice that Tim Johnson is oogling over the overly developed Rachel Winters who is unfairly busty and has the perfect figure, while you can’t figure out how or why you’re still so flat chested and wonder if you’ll EVER develop a curve.
So, as an adult you stand back and look at the funk you are in, consider your options, how long it might be to wallow in the lumpy, dissatisfied state where you sit, where your discipline for the things that normally appease your dis-ease is for the moment gone. Boredom seems like such an excuse, it’s just that a direction, for the moment, is not easily presenting itself. Sooo….you allow yourself this place, watch too many old Showtime series, open the fridge for what? an answer, you take a bath, consider the gym, snuggle next to a four legged heartbeat, straighten up the kitchen and fold some clothes. Sigh……it’s classic and unnerving.
Then you remember a rock n roll song you wrote for your play years ago, ‘I want it now’ the title. Well, of course you do sweetheart, of course you do.
This might seem funny later.
And then you remember to sit with where you are….if you can….resist a quick ‘fix’, food, drink, company, work….because this place is revealing…you’ve been here before and no, it’s not really fun, just part of life.
And what does it reveal…that being ‘here and now’ REALLY is the only place to be….the next business, review, epiphany, the next new friend, outrageous high, it’ll come when it’s time but today is this. And, with each breath and step, the next move will make itself clear, as it always does….
but come back to here is what I remember….
and if I’ve got love for myself, I no doubt have everything I need. The hungry ghost will however have NONE of that.
Isn’t an addiction just an unwillingness to be here, now?
Awwww, I’m too smart for my own good….though it does me no good just now. There is nothing to fix. I need only be…here….now.
So, I give myself a timeline, so, when this wallowing time is ‘up’, I will then get busy with things I can do to steer myself west from east, cause at some point, enough is damn enough.
Just breathe. A new moment…’round each corner.
But for now, I’m on a Clint Eastwood roll….’The Outlaw of Josey Wales’ beckons me and well, maybe one glass of Rodney Strong Knotty Vine Red Zinfandel, to untie a knot or two……..sigh.