I’m seeing a pattern in things of late.
One experience shining a light on another, then another and another….
…which in turn shines a light on what I prefer, what I’ll tolerate (or not) and, always, I’m finding, my desire to have events and people in my life fit somehow with me.
But I’m finding they often don’t.
I’m standing my ground in a new way, sort of….I have some work to do for sure. And well, it has me frankly up at all hours, unable to sleep. I crave peace and can’t seem to grab hold of it for long intervals.
I’m finding that if something feels WRONG, I’m probably right. Truly.
I’m on the edge of my patience seat with a certain business relationship with frankly, a lovely person. I’m not getting what I want in terms of communication or style with a vendor with whom I’ve entered an agreement. When I hear defensiveness I roll my eyes, sigh and wonder why I’m hanging on as though the situation will improve. Our styles of working are diametrically opposed as are our ways of communicating. No right or wrong here I suppose, just different.
As my retainer seeps away each month and I come up again and again at impasse after impasse, I wonder, what am I doing???? I recognize this place as I’ve been here often in my past. Pollyanna wanting to make things right.
But I’m not happy, don’t feel the synergy I need nor the connection, but merely am working my logical brain around in a flury to create a fit. I’ll wager to say I realize in time that it’s not!
I’m far from stupid, merely stubborn as hell in often the wrong places.
….and I’ve sung that song this last year til I became hoarse, blue in the face, the cows came home and the fat lady sang.
I need to trust that voice that tells me to have the nerve to just say ‘Not a fit. Best wishes!’ and move on. I’m not there yet.
Clearly I’m not there yet in THIS area of my life….but I’m fast approaching. I guess the pain just isn’t great enough yet, but it’s getting there.
Then in another breath of today, I had lunch with my long time friend and attorney today. We’ve known one another probably eleven years now. He’s as true-blue, caring and sincere as anyone I know. He’s had my back in all but one incident with all our dealings, and with that one incident, the dialogue we had around our mutual disappointment, sharing our thoughts, feelings and humanness brought us closer together as friends, not further apart one bit. I appreciated his vulnerability and that he too was far from perfect. I admired him all the more.
He has been a steadfast champion and supporter of me in a way I’ve not known much with men in my life. He builds me up, shares his concern when he has it and is always there with a kind word, a rally of support for whatever I’m doing and a twinkle in his eye. He’s a true country gentleman and a person I’m happy to call friend.
And today, just today, while the health inspector surveyed my kitchen and surrounds, as my new chef was busy chopping chives, the rest of my team, selling, handling finance, my operations person ‘operating’ here and there….
my attorney friend and I sat in the middle of my ballroom at Carl House and ate a spinach salad with salmon, drank a small glass of wine in celebration of having made it through another year, month, week, day relatively unscathed with our good attitudes in tact, a sense of appreciation for lessons learned and the knowledge that we have a true friend in one another.
Priceless. Confluence baby, confluence.
Every thing is always coming or going, coming or going.
I leave the window open for the new, better, different and same old to enter as it will, but only in a spirit of love and support as that is where I prefer to tarry and what I intend to mirror to others.
And today had it’s measure of up and down, yin and yang, delighted and pissed and both energized and rung out.
And so it is….life that is….