I’m not sure what part of me they are, but similar to my belief that God is part of me, we are not separate, I feel similarly about these voices.
I live alone, (me, 6 mammals and 2 fish), so I’m better able to hear, or at least notice that there are words happening inside my head at ALL times.
I’ve been waking up with terrible headaches of late. Rare, extremely rare for me. I’ve only experienced similar headaches after weaning myself from too much caffeine or during an intended fast or cleanse. So, I’m not sure what’s up, but something….something’s knocking on my head. Something wants attention and I’ve not yet figured what.
I do know that sleep is pulling at me a lot lately, perhaps the recent events of my life taking their toll, encouraging me to lie down a moment, rest. I do know that my next tidal wave of activity will require a lot of myself, albeit in new and more welcomed ways than of late.
I attended yet another networking of terrific women last evening. Several of us made some good business and personal connections which I certainly relish. I like getting out and about, meeting new people, learning what I didn’t know about before.
Janet Kilpatrick owns a terrific Salon and World renown spa in Athens, GA. She was hosting this event. I like her a lot. She’s got a great energy and is easy to laughter.
We were talking about the challenges of owning a business, the ups and the downs. I told her on no uncertain terms that I had little choice but to own my own business, as I was unemployable.
I was a little surprised by the absolute laughter that followed my comment. She guffawed until doubling over.
But it’s true. When you’ve lived alone, steered your own ship, beat your own drum, cast your own rod and done it ‘your way’ for so long, the idea of working for someone else is abhorrent, despite all the nonsense you might go through and mistakes you might make with your own enterprise.
I’m unemployable. And it’s good to know.
And so with this voice that knocks on my head these days….something is afoot, abreast, amuck, ashore, aghast…..it’s something with an ‘a’ for sure. And despite wanting to trust this knowing, I am still a bit trepidatious. ‘Can I trust it’ I ask, ‘Can I trust my decisions, when I feel doubt, can I trust my judgments?’
And what makes it all worthwhile, I ask? (The Excedrin finally taking hold).
Friendships, connections with others, fulfilling an inner drive, passion and mission within your heart, perhaps. The satisfaction of moving through challenge and meeting new growth, expanded awareness….those things as a start. The opportunity to contribute to a greater good, to have an influence which might matter. Moving through doubt and fear, finding my strength, a power I didn’t know I had.
And the downs, the parts that hurt. Losing myself, losing others I’ve loved, feeling at times adrift and alone, being caught up in my mind, ahead of myself, forgetting to appreciate this journey I’m on, why I’m here, wanting ‘more’ whatever that is.
I’m reminded again of the answers both my brothers and I gave when we were asked as youngsters, ‘what do you want to be when you grow up?’ (I love that expression, ‘grow up’….are we ever done ‘growing up’….I hope not).
Jeffrey, 5 years older than me….’a screw driver’. Johnny, three years older than me, ‘I’ll wait and see what happens.’ (Soooo Johnny). And me, ‘a blue elephant.’ ?????
I perplex myself around every curve.
And so, those voices, that voice, THE voice. I suspect it’s a ‘higher’ part of me, a ‘higher’ self, meaning (to me) a part of me that knows a bit more, perhaps LOTS more than my mere human entity. I know I need probably to listen a bit more as it seems when I do, a calm and confidence moves over me like this Excedrin taking away the awful pain in my head.
I met a lovely woman last evening from the French Canadian part of the world. She had a lovely accent. I’m not sure how we got to this part of the conversation but she told me that she is very happy in her life just now. (We’re about the same age). She had shared being unhappy for so many years in her past. I asked,
‘What changed in you, what did you do to make this shift’.
Her reply, ‘I don’t know, I just decided to be happy, and I am’.
This struck me. I don’t think of myself as a ‘coulda, shoulda, woulda’ sort of woman, but I do perhaps hold on to some things and forget to trust the process of moving forward and what happens as I allow new gateways to open for my greater good. I become attached I suppose, and am sad in leaving people and things from time to time.
I have such lofty dreams and forget to listen to that voice which is the guide asking me to be brave, to trust, trust that I’ve perhaps got a blue elephant or some other prize ahead, and this path is exactly the one I’m meant to follow!