BB Webb as BB Webb!

Exploring the Possibilities

Sartre…Satie and questions for the Universe February 27, 2010

I’m waxing a bit poetic this late evening. You may want to play Erik Satie’s music below while reading. And in that it’s probably morning time for you, you may consider reading and listening with a strong cup of espresso or hot ceylon or oolong tea, sweetened just so, snugged up in a comfy chair with the sun in your lap, perhaps a curled up kitty nearby.

I was reminded of Erik Satie’s music this night and hadn’t known that he was also a writer.

Recognized as a member of the avante guarde movement in France in the late 1800s and early 1900s, I imagine him sitting with the likes of Jean Paule Sartre, (I know, Sartre would have been an infant), and maybe a young Ionesco or Samuel Beckett, drinking strong coffee on the Champs de Elysses. I’d loved to have accompanied them and tossed ideas about while stoking on cheap, thin, handrolled cigars with our feet up on the empty chairs at the table, the bustle of people moving on the street and that special European taxi honk in the background. (Oh goodness, maybe not in the late 1800s….that honk came much later). Still, much bustling going on indeed!

Some background which I found:

Sartre was influenced by many aspects of Western philosophy, absorbing ideas from Kant, Hegel, Kierkegaard, Husserl and Heidegger, among others. In 1929 at the École Normale, he met Simone de Beauvoir, who studied at the Sorbonne and later went on to become a noted philosopher, writer, and feminist. The two became inseparable and lifelong companions, initiating a romantic relationship, though they were not monogamous. Sartre served as a conscript in the French Army from 1929 to 1931 and he later argued in 1959 that each French person was responsible for the collective crimes during the Algerian War of Independence.

Together, Sartre and de Beauvoir challenged the cultural and social assumptions and expectations of their upbringings, which they considered bourgeois, in both lifestyle and thought. The conflict between oppressive, spiritually destructive conformity (mauvaise foi, literally, “bad faith”) and an “authentic” way of “being” became the dominant theme of Sartre’s early work, a theme embodied in his principal philosophical work L’Être et le Néant (Being and Nothingness) (1943). Sartre’s introduction to his philosophy is his work Existentialism is a Humanism (1946), originally presented as a lecture.

And then I found the following, written by a favored playwright of mine, Eugene Ionesco. Frankly, these words might have easily been written by me, it’s nearly verbatim how I wonder the same thing.

From Ionesco’s play, ‘The Hermit’. 1973.

“I thought that it was strange to assume that it was abnormal for anyone to be forever asking questions about the nature of the universe, about what the human condition really was, my condition, what I was doing here, if there was really something to do. It seemed to me on the contrary that it was abnormal for people not to think about it, for them to allow themselves to live, as it were, unconsciously. Perhaps it’s because everyone, all the others, are convinced in some unformulated, irrational way that one day everything will be made clear. Perhaps there will be a morning of grace for humanity. Perhaps there will be a morning of grace for me.”

These are the very thoughts that keep me up at night or howling, (in my way), at the moon. It’s why I dance every morning for at LEAST 10, sometimes 15 minutes in between putting on my make-up or fixing my unruly hair, working to tame it as I work to tame the parts of me which feel caged, roaring to move forward, lunge, leap, dive, splash or simply fly or twirl like a helicopter skyward.

And truly, are these not the things which fill your mind?

I sometimes wonder what it might be like to be an owl sitting on a limb under the moonlight questioning, ‘hooo hooooo?’

BB Webb

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Alan Rickman and Daniel Day Lewis February 26, 2010

Alan Rickman


Daniel Day Lewis

Alan Rickman as Colonel Brandon

Alan Rickman’s portrayal of Colonel Brandon in Jane Austin’s ‘Sense and Sensibility’ is legendary. His absolute affection and devotion to young and naive Marianne, (played by Kate Winslet), is heart wrenching, especially as he watches her waste her attention with the dashing and unworthy Willoughby.

Daniel Day Lewis in Last of the Mohicans

And then Daniel Day Lewis, good Lord he’s the epitome of ‘manly’ in his role in ‘Last of the Mohicans’. Fighting for what he feels is good and true, a warrior with no fear, passionate in a way that, oh please God, let that kind of passion, care and attention to a woman truly exist somewhere on the planet! Damn!

Or for that matter, a woman holding a man so dear.

Both great actors.

I DO believe that life can be more beautiful than fiction. Why not?

Just daydreaming a spell!

BB Webb

 

Awwww…..no one will see the back. February 24, 2010

When I was 11 and 12, (ugh….with absolutely NO breasts, skinny as a green bean), in preparation for school, my OH so patient mother would painstakingly help put hot curlers in my hair to make it bounce, as otherwise my very curly hair would have a plan of it’s own and rebel conformity, (as if I didn’t understand). I was so particular about how the front looked, but when in a hurry, (which was every morning as I dawdled til ‘haircurler time’, In my most whiney manner I’d command impertently, (she should have smacked me)….

‘Don’t worry about the back moooooom, I can’t see it anyway. The buuuus is coming!!!!’

My Lord I had a patient mother. I was petulant at times, impatient too, emotional, and once when my brothers drove me one more time to distraction, I threw my hairbrush across the my bedroom and put a huge dent in my wall.

I’m thankful that I wasn’t thrown out of the family.

Watching my mother’s slow anger come to a steam was something I deserved and almost relished to see. How much would it take to make her blow her whistle. (Isn’t that a child’s job, to test the boundaries, the water, their mothers)?

As a sidenote, (cause I’m in the mood), that raucous bit of bad behavior was only surpassed the time my brother Johnny turned off the lights in our basement and left me downstairs.

( I was both scared of the dark AND that cotton pickin’ basement, dadgumit).

I somehow catapulted myself up through the darkness, flew open the door with a strength and speed which only Hercules or Wonder Woman could exude, (I’ve always been strong and ferocious when angry or backed into a corner), and slammed the door right into our 1970’s wood paneled television putting a hole right through the door and ruining the gorgeous wood paneling on this then, very expensive piece of television furniture.

Ooooooh, who was in trouble THEN?

My point….I have one. I think….

Back to ‘hair curler-land’…..Is it important to finish all sides of a project? If you can’t see ‘the back’ can anyone else and does it matter? I remember an author friend of mine telling me once that if he didn’t like a book, he didn’t finish it. I was somewhat aghast. ‘You’re kidding,’ I thought, ‘isn’t that weak? What if it gets better at Chapter 7.’ (I’d suffered through so many Greek tragedies in college I was used to muscling through assignments).

But how freeing, if after a measure of effort, if something isn’t a fit, let it go. ‘Run Forrest, ruuuuun’! (My new favorite saying…(Forrest Gump)! And so, if I began a book and didn’t like it, after a bit of concentration to endeavor to ‘get into it’, if it didn’t jive, on to another as there are piles in every room of my house that have yet to be read. (I like having books around….they’re like friends who at the right time, you open and discover something new….when you are ready).

And then completing projects. I’ve always been creative and needed outlets for expressing my creativity. My mom had a needlecraft shop. I learned to knit and could barely sit through 1/3 or a completed scarf.

‘Good God,’ I thought as a 10 or 11 year old….’you want me to SIT here and KNIT? Are you out of your flippin mind? Sit???’

So, I needed active creative projects as I’m not a good ‘sitter’ (‘and how much easier is it to buy a $5 scarf than knit one’ I thought, and I still do).

So, I don’t think all things need to be ‘finished’. I know when I used to paint paintings, that there never seemed an ending point, but at one point, I needed to move on from my painting. I rather liked the idea when performing plays that with each performance you could add something, evolve the piece, try something new….and at the end of the evening, it was done. You could walk on the bare stage at the end of the evening and feel the energy that was still in the room, but the play was OVER. Unlike a painting, it was not tangible, only in people’s minds.

I think perhaps this is my favorite sort of creation. Create it, then off into the ether.

I loved Joni Mitchell as a teenager, was given ‘Court and Spark’ (in album form) by my trouble making brother Johnny when I had my wisdom teeth out. (Despite driving me mad as a child, I simply adored him as a boy and even more as a man….regardless of his brotherly ‘affection’). I remember listening to that album til it had grooves in it and became scratched and worn.

Years later when Joni’s style and voice really took on a new tamber, I felt betrayed, ‘where had the other Joni gone?’ She’d grown, she’d evolved. I understand now. I get it.

Years and years ago, after I’d put my ‘Through Ruby’s Eyes’ play to rest, people would ask, why don’t you perform it again. Why? Why?

Because I was done. That was then, this is NOW. I was done.

So, when a piece is done, (or half done as my curled hair was), that’s enough…it’s time to move on and that is lovely. For what is ‘done’ anyway, (unless of course you’re talking about cooking chicken. As an event facility owner, I do have my standards, well, and so does the health department), but in other things of life, might not our passions be with the moment, not subject to unnecessary rules or expectations.

Try this, don that, wear this new style until no, I prefer it THIS way, have this favorite food and tomorrow call something else your favorite. Well, why not? (But you always liked tangerines BB….). Well, not now, I’ve changed, I like green olives now….for now. Ask me tomorrow and it might be toast, cooked extra dark, nearly burnt like my mommy used to make it!!

We have the opportunity to shift and move in life….nothing is permanent nor should it be. Loving, the work we do, the friends we choose, the foods we prefer, the work we take on, our lovers, habits, predispositions, policies, homes, customs or traditions. I don’t like doing the same thing every Christmas. One year in Bali please, another in Montana with the family, they’re fun, New York City the following year….and what about Berlin or the ocean??

I’m considering as I sit at my dining room table with dogs strewn about, how I relish the ability to shift and turn, to eat my words, to be more gracious tomorrow, less a push over today, more a grump when moody if I choose, or less so if I choose not.

We have choice and should we not care if someone sees that we’ve not curled the back of our hair, and that it matches the front not at all…..so be it.

Carpe Diem my friends. Joi de vivre!!

Love, BB Webb

 

And then, from the OTHER side… February 23, 2010

I’m thinking about how different something, an object, person, story or experience can look when you move around it to a slightly different angle.

Black can become white or well, really any shade under the sun.

I’ve been seeing a few things from a different view lately and as I do….holy cow….a new day altogether.

And then I wonder, what does a FLY see, a horse, my neighbor, my best friend???

Ever get caught up in your own mirage?

It’s independence day. Free for all!! Free for all!

Makes ya wanna……makes me wanna…..

We all need to be a little softer now, a little softer now, just a little softer now, just a little…..

BB Webb

 

Walking the dogs and mending fences February 22, 2010

I don’t walk my dogs. I open the door and let them run and hope they stay inside my 2 acre fenced in area. They don’t always and then I call and call and in they come.

I’m always repairing fences as they don’t liked to be fenced in any more than I do.

Seems I do a lot of metaphorical mending of fences as well. It’s useful. And I can do it alone in my room, while traveling on a bus, while taking a shower or in a room full of people. I prefer alone.

But, with regard to walking or not walking my dogs, sometimes I walk through the nearby fields with them. Not lately though….it’s so muddy and wet, trees are falling down in my pretty forest. Our drought is certainly over in Georgia. (Noah I heard is on his way here).

So I’m thinking about long walks and I’m thinking about fences tonight and I’m considering how we hold things in our energy fields until I suppose we’re ready to let them go….or until cancer shows up and the Universe perhaps begs us, ‘let go now sweetheart, come on, you can do it, let go.’ And God is patient, should we not hear the first time, well, expect a stronger reminder!

And I’m considering some of the things I’d do best to let go of and how powerful the following statement might be to help in that letting go, ‘I’m sorry, please forgive me, I love you, thank you.’ Or in a simpler sentence perhaps, ‘if there is anything I might have done to cause you grief or pain, I’m sorry, please forgive me.’

I’m learning the power of forgiveness.

We hold energies from generations past, blueprints really. It’s not genes so much as an energetic blueprint. So, if your ancestors were pillaged and made peasants, beaten and berated, your energy field holds some of that blueprint and you might find yourself being a bit reactive to anything that hints at that kind of action taken against you.

Here’s how I know, (and I do). Energy medicine again, it’s the real McCoy. I’ve had allergies erased through a reprogramming of sorts to my system. Or with my recent back travesty, (level 8 out of 10 pain), though I uphold and value chiropractic technology, the more helpful and useful to me has been dealing with the distortions and dis-ease in my energy system which pull on the body and consequently misalign your spine, twist things and create VERY tight muscles, and in my case, PAIN!

It took two visits to Dr. Poulin, my energy healing pal, to help release some of the recent patterning with regard to what has felt like some rather yucky (technical term), events of late in my life, (to me), all which finally manifested in my body, mostly my lower back and sacrum…..memories become triggered and all our memories are stored in our body.

So, as Dr. Poulin sees and sets those patterns to a better functioning, I could feel for instance, my lower back release, let go in a sense, thereby allowing my muscles, which have grown everso tight, to release, and the spine comes back into alignment and ultimately my energy returns as my body isn’t fighting so hard to correct what was awry. And hooray, I can stand up straight again!! I’m 5’7″ again, (okay 5′ 6 and three quarter inches).

It’s amazing this practice and I have not only been witness to its impact, but the beneficiary again and again. I had a conversation this past weekend with a chiropractor who asked about my symptoms, the level of pain and was sure I needed adjustments 2 or 3 times a week, no doubt for weeks and weeks and certainly an xray as ‘you might have a slipped or degenerated disc’.

‘No’, I assured him thoughtfully, ‘it’s some stuff in my energy field that needs clearing. A lot has happened in my life lately and I’ll be fine after a visit or two with Dr. Poulin.’

And I am.

I don’t think we have to age as we have in the past. But I do know that without these measures, I’d feel much older than I am and paying a chiropractor more money than needed.

So tonight, I am walking the dogs in my mind….just being with the easy movement and meditation of that simple activity and I’m both mending my fences to keep certain things out and fashioning neat holes where I need to let some influences in and some forgiveness out.

BB Webb

 

Opening to the Heart…with a spirit of mystery February 21, 2010

I’m sitting with a mystery. It’s a serious one to me.

I’ve traveled with some interesting teachers my spell here on the planet. I’ve seen smarts, compassion, passion, diverse talent galore, ego and heart mixed in interesting combinations with all these teachers.

I pick and choose from what I see. I try not to expect too much, (ohhh, but I do, for I work to deliver that and MORE). I am more often than not confounded by people. I’ll leave it as a mystery and I welcome being surprised by the heart and glory of humanity.

But heart. I have friends who see me, really see into me, not just the bubbling, energetic social firefly who darts around, carries herself well and who can woe and present to a crowd, is excessively verbose, who gets tripped up on her own humanity, can go intensely dark, or who in my own relentless style, will confound or inspire, depending on the particular constitution and predisposition of any acquaintance. That too is me, but the essence, there’s more….as there is in all of us.

I see the ‘more’ in folks, WHEN I’m interested. And busy body that I am, I want to always see that MORE realized, in myself and others. And frankly, I probably need to mind my own business.

There is something in relationship to living from a ‘heart space’ that has drawn me over the years. My father was a business man, respected in a manner. I did not like his style with people. I remember him as being harsh, judgmental and prone to fits of childlike anger. He drank too much to cover his feelings. And sadly, having a tidy room was more important to his mother than learning to love. Bless his heart, truly.

I have however had a number of male mentors who have had the ability to lead and teach in a most supportive, encouraging, passionate and heartful manner, (some more than others), with all the other aspects of their lion-like maleness. These are the mentors I am drawn to most. There is a greater power, sense of ‘I am’ in these men….all of them subject to the flaws of humanity, but none-the-less, there is with each man, a bigness, confidence and level of talent or learnedness to which I am attracted, as a female for sure, but as a human being, in a detached way, more. I need that modeling for where I’m headed.

As a woman there is something to glean from the patriarchy, in select measure. The female component I know well, it is the mix of the two which compels me and leans me forward.

Other men draw near to that heart space but fear it….not ready to touch that edge, the edge which makes ALL the difference. Their lives would exude a greater peace and success, (not measured by money mind you), with the heart component more fully lived. I SEE it, want it for them, want it for ME in relating to them. Some are so close.

I endeavor to find a mix of heart with the harshness and reality of living day to day, within business and with the intent to prosper and expand in all I do. This is not ‘sissy stuff’, this is as ‘manly’, courageous and awesome as it comes. Beginner though I am, I am certain I’m on to something.

My curiosity around this mix and endeavor to model this amalgam is strong. I both don’t want to NOT care, but to care too much serves no one.

Osho continues to be an inspiration to me. Read him should you be willing to test your own positioning in life. His angle of belief intrigues and challenges me. I like a ‘beliefs’ challenge, not the kind that is just ego pushing….I’ve had enough of that and frankly am not savvy nor really wish to be in needless mind rhetoric or vague riddles, unless they come from heart…..that I’ll stay up all hours of the night pursuing, jousting, playing….there is no END to smart fun there. The other tires and bores me in time. Severely. Life hastens too quickly for vagaries. A puzzle is a different matter.

Heart pushes truth to a new level. The rawness and vulnerability within it I admire and protect. It’s more beautiful than anything I know. Sincerely. I endeavor to be a moonbeam of light in that regard. Truly.

From Osho:

The heart is the gateless gate to reality. Move from the head to the heart.

We are all hung up in the head. That is our only problem, the only one problem. And there is only one solution: get down from the head into the heart and all problems disappear. They are created by the head. And suddenly everything is so clear and so transparent that one is surprised how one was continuously inventing problems. Mysteries remain but problems disappear. Mysteries abound but problems evaporate. And mysteries are beautiful. They are not to be solved. They have to be lived.

Mysteries ARE beautiful. I want to see the cocoon blossom into a butterfly. I want to combine the attributes of female and male (we have each in us), in a way that forges a new way of being in the world, in business, in relationship to others.

And I leave an opening ALWAYS to be surprised by how people choose to grow and blossom.

May the mysteries unfold.

BB Webb

 

It’s faith…it’s faith we need February 19, 2010

I love remembering what I know.

When I pray, and I do, in my fashion, usually with sweet smelling things in my periphery….I ask whomever, (and I speak with a host of influencers), ‘please help me remember what I already know which will serve me, and who I am here to serve, today, please’.

Yes, I often say please TWICE. Manners do matter you know. They indeed do. A story for another day.

Sometimes I add, ‘pretty please’. Considering that to soften an angel who COULD be having an off day as I’m oft to have. But then I reconsider, ‘angels, do THEY have off days….ooooh, probably not’. ….exactly why I have NO fear of death….just don’t let me hurt while dying….I’m so adverse to pain.

We know so much really. We forget with the influence of a day, a distraction, a hurt, duty or chore. But when we are ‘in love’ we remember everything. I’d suggest being ‘in love’ with it all. Ooooh, I’ll need reminding here. It is however a choice to consider!

I am feeling that this day having somersaulted here. My body and mind and spirit have been stretched by the tumble, the fall, the climb, the turbulence. Sweet turbulence.

We need to have faith, regardless of our religious or spiritual preferences or persuasions. (I think we do).

And we all long for others to have faith in us. Sure we do.

So I am choosing to have more faith in select others today, of COURSE I will….I have all kinds of faith in me. I’ll extend that compliment.

We just don’t know often what we don’t know…..yes, until we know it. And maybe that knowing is a choice as well!

I am also open to being surprised by people’s goodness, heart and integrity.