Today was like driving an old truck up a dry creek bed….the ups and downs of emotions like bobbing buoys at sea.
A line of thought came to me today…
….steam, turns to water, turns to rivers, turns to oceans, salty oceans teaming with life.
I’m only building up steam, washing away the things and people who no longer belong in my universe.
I didn’t know how much steam I had inside me…..and it’ll burn some people should they get too close.
I’m realizing when provoked or inspired, I have an endless supply and it’s only building.
I was sitting with a flood of emotions which hit me today around 11am as almost euphoric. I had to dance in my bathroom awhile and sing quite loud while listening to music to nurture and build what I felt, the high I was riding on momentarily. I had a new idea for some things which lifted me up. I felt like you do when you stick your head outside the car window and the breeze hits you like a splash of cool, river water on your face.
I love that place. Anything is possible. The steam takes you up like an air balloon and there is no limit, none at all. I enjoy that place, maybe live a bit for it.
I can often move myself to a place to fabricate these moments, or I can imagine a person in that regard though again and again I place them up too high and it’s not fair. People are people…busy with their own worlds, issues, fears, ego trappings. But ooooooohhh…..I see so much more in them and I’m so often disappointed as the potential in others which I feel falls like a fighter plane whirling dervishly out of control.
And the ironic thing is….it’s all make believe, fabrication, projection. I need to be better at sitting with ‘what is’ and not expect more but rather be delighted if there is more. More, more, more she cried!
But I’m a vision person, I see far ahead and create colorful worlds out in front of me. How I wish at times I had someone to bring me gently back to solid ground. I tend to fly so high up that when ‘the way things are’ smacks me upside the head, I fall fast from my lofty sky place and damn if it doesn’t hurt like hell when I hit the ground.
I have a friend I watch who is a more black and white personality than I. She doesn’t look ahead much and can’t see what I see, certainly not in people. And she’s so funny, one day they are good to her, worthy, deserving, fair, lovely, and the next, she scorns them for this, that or the other thing. Fortunately she’s not at all that way with me, not that I know of anyway. I’m teaching her to consider the ‘high road’ as I call it, a place where there is less judgement.
I don’t have a black and white view of the world. Though I endeavor to watch my own defensiveness, (all protection from feeling hurt, really), By taking ‘the high road’, the perspective that ‘it’s not done til it’s done’ is my assessment of others, I remain open, very open to new possibilities. Perhaps I want to see the best in everyone realized so I’d rather wait, wait to be surprised to see someone get the grand ‘aha’ and do what I feel is the right thing or make a more noble, caring, compassionate, loving choice. To emerge more transparent, or at least translucent.
‘But maybe,’ I consider, ‘maybe I haven’t waited long enough.’
I used to wait for my (former) husband to be more loving, more affectionate, to see me differently. He said that I rushed him, it needed to happen in his time. 6 years of marriage I figured was long enough. It took awhile to lose the attachment to the outcome I desired. It was clearly somewhere else to find. Perhaps within myself was a good place to start.
So today, today I am working to release the need to see people transform, do what I wish they’d do. But ooooh, I am like scotch tape, I adhere, I stick to my projections….I want to birth my vision of what I feel is the best in things, in people, with communication for sure. I wonder how they can’t see it in themselves, what I see.
I become equally passionate with my inspiration in moments and at other times feel entirely provoked by my expectation, storming about with a head full of tea pot steam, on full boil, whistling like a sailor.
Perhaps if I could hold no attachment to an outcome I’d be better served. I’m not there yet, I’m just not. I think I can read people well and gee, then DAMN if I’m not foiled again and again. It’s best if I can see their eyes. Then I know. Then I see so much more.
Or maybe, just maybe I don’t know the whole story and I’ll be surprised one day and a situation will really throw me for a loop. Oh I’d like that. I’m surprised by so little of late, other than people’s consistent attachment to the dark….and sometimes I see that in my own mirror.
But only in moments….then I put my flashlight back on, and look to see who might be ready to shine, I mean to REALLY shine with great light and in the ultimate, unadulterated, absolute truth.
And then, oh then might I be amply surprised. And you’ll hear me yelp with great joy and great pleasure and I’ll probably dance in the hallway and out in the yard.
I’m ready for a change. A whopping BIG change.
And I’ll then buy the entire world a round of their favorite beverage. I’ll have us all lift our glasses and bellow, ‘here mates, here’s to taking the ‘high road’!’
I will! You just watch me.