A friend of mine died this weekend. It was sudden and the details don’t matter. This news felt like a kick in the gut, I literally felt all the blood rush to my head as I heard the news. My breathing actually stopped. I had to have it repeated several times to really take it in. All I could think of was, ‘what could I have done to have prevented her dying,’ or the Puritan guilt in me allowed the thought of, ‘how did I cause this tragedy,’ for indeed that is what it feels like. I am sad beyond words.
But this is life. We do our best, we make good and bad decisions, we take chances, we thrill, we disappoint, we do our best to love.
But good friends are a little like a drug. When they are inexorably in your life, providing support, meaning, substance and certainly regular communication, finding them missing when you call or when there is no response to an email, that hurts. I may have an unhealthy attachment to some friends and I might have to this pal of mine. I need people. I am and will be in withdrawal for some time. It’s painful, very painful.
I know enough of the way the world turns that she is not REALLY gone, on this planet yes, in a manner, but she’s with me and I with her in some ways, issuing support and good thoughts as that’s what I’m best at with my true and dear friends.
But, it’s alarming how quickly they come and I’m finding too, how quickly they can go, in a flash. I will always be grateful for the time she and I shared, the wisdom and kindness she showed and the fun we had laughing a lot, as this was a key element in our friendship…our laughter together certainly helped me face all manner of difficult storms.
But, my heart is sad, sore and wondering what I might have done to place her not just in the ether, but nearby in the flesh to give her a warm hug. And yes, divine order, divine order, I know, but I am spirit in human garb and today I’m heartbroken to have lost my friend, as it seems we had so much more to create together. I’ll indeed miss the good laughs and buoying support she gave to me.
I will always consider her my cheerleader and pal and certainly my soul is fuller having had her presence in my life. I only hope hers was lifted by mine being in hers.
God bless you and keep you safe my friend and always loved, deeply loved.