I learned a boatload today and I feel all the growth pains. At the moment it feels just awful. I know I have angels who swarm around and protect me (from myself mostly) and who make sure I get a speeding ticket (today) to make sure I don’t have a crash and kill myself. They know I have ‘miles to go before I sleep.’ The lessons are coming like artillary fire….and I’m somehow still here.
I am recalling a conversation I had with a friend, possibly 6 or 7 months into knowing one another. This friend said, ‘you’ve never disappointed me.’ I responded that, ‘I will.’ Not intentionally of course, but it happens with folks we care about from time to time.
The ones who stay despite at least SOME disappointments, are maybe the keepers.
I have maybe three close, friends, all different in how they interact in my life. I think they all might one way or another die for me. Take that metaphorically or physically.
With regard to physically taking a hit for me, I’d prefer they wouldn’t as I couldn’t live with the guilt….so just let me die please….I’ll be fine!…(though 2 of them would clearly find ways to save BOTH of us, they are just THAT good).
Being ultra perceptive, these three friends know me very, very well, my heart, where I’m weak and apparently where I’m strong, (I’m still learning about that part of me). I’m floored, honored really by their friendship and support of me.
One friendship is just a year old though has the profile to be a ‘rocking chair’ pal, though I don’t think we’ll be messing about much in rocking chairs. My love and loyalty was tested today. I inadvertently threw this person, who is so dear to me, who I hold closely in my heart, under the bus.
I didn’t mean to, was merely thoughtless and cowardly probably, afraid to piss someone else off who I frankly don’t care for one bit. Someone who knows me not at all and who is self serving and not very savvy. It was poor judgment on my part. I wasn’t thinking before pressing that dangerous SEND button. My unsavvy ploy didn’t work as intended. Transparency and truth I realized is always the best choice.
After realizing my error, I immediately consulted with my best friend 2Lu. She’s always honest with me and loves me from stem to stern. I’ve not ever had a friend like her. I rely on her frank assessments. My trust in her is off the charts. I asked her, ‘if I’d hurt your feelings or inadvertently threw you under the bus, would you forgive me and keep your heart open to allow me to continue to earn your friendship?’
‘I’d have forgiven you before you did it.’ I had no words but got all teary as I seem to be over-the-top emotional this week.
I aspire to be as loving, thoughtful, understanding as my few dear friends. They’re smart too….(AND good looking)! Whether they feel exactly the same about me matters not, I must say my heart is filled with so much love for them. I can’t help it and am not exactly sure why, but it just is. It is overflowing, like bread dough in a bowl with too much yeast. It just continues to grow.
So today, I get to practice the hardest forgiveness of all…..of myself. I’d rather die than be disloyal or unkind, would jump under a bus for my few friends…though today my actions looked far the contrary.
Later this evening, 2Lu shared with me, ‘in order to change, you need to hurt and be sober.’ Think about it, it’s true. She runs DUI schools. She knows.
I am both hurting and sober today. I’m also filled with gratitude that they, and the angels who flutter about me, showed up when they did. TRULY!
I’m but a mere crag without their reflection of and confidence IN me.
The Times They Are A Changin
Come writers and critics
Who prophesize with your pen
And keep your eyes wide
The chance won’t come again
And don’t speak too soon
For the wheel’s still in spin
And there’s no tellin’ who
That it’s namin’.
For the loser now
Will be later to win
For the times they are a-changin’.
Bob Dylan 1963