BB Webb as BB Webb!

Exploring the Possibilities

The truth WILL set you free…won’t it?? August 28, 2009

Filed under: Friends,Reflection,Relationships — BB Webb @ 9:22 pm

And sometimes piss you off too!

In that I’m enamoured at present with ‘tipping points’, those pivotal moments when you know your life is veering in a very new direction, and though you might NOT know the exact mapping of where you are going, you know the car has started and there is NO turning back, nor would you WANT to go back. I live for those moments, (though twist and turn like a banshee before their arrival…just ask the people who know me. I frankly unnerve myself on a regular basis, no doubt others as well. Humph)!

While picking out music last weekend to accompany me with some new goals, I was reflecting on my last ‘significant’ romantic relationship. (You may ask, ‘why for heaven’s sake’, well never mind why…I just needed to reflect). From start to finish, I spent almost a decade with this man. man and woman arguingWe learned a boatload of things being together though spent a LOT of time angst-ridden.

I have chosen to adopt a comic perspective on all things ‘life’, particularly myself. I’m an especially dramatic person, (degrees in theatre and all that…funny frankly that I thought I needed school to be dramatic), and somehow just need to live in living color and out loud…it’s just me. At the end of the day, I have a comic outlook on my life and life in general; I learned this from my mother. Survival techniques really, and I always prefer a good laugh, certainly after finding myself morosely occupied in my own pools of sublime and sometimes gray tinted thoughts. I never let the laugh cover the ick…I just always end up with the laugh. I believe that you MUST feel the pain and discomfort to go from ‘here’ to ‘there’; it’s growth juice. Without it, I feel you stay just where you are!

(Feel free, challenge me on this)!

Yes, pain is the great transporter, and you’ve certainly heard me rally against our numbed culture which is so enamoured and addicted to addictions. (Read my ‘With Love and Laughter?’ post). But, a ‘trees from the forest’ attitude of curiosity and bemusement has helped me through some otherwise perilous times and episodes in my life.

La de da on all that!

I was reflecting, however, on a few key moments in my decade with this love partner that honestly, in looking back, struck me as not so much sad, but in being where I am now, hysterical that I would not have said, ‘wow, THIS certainly isn’t a nurturing fit.’ (Well, there are other words I considered as well). Though, I feel everyone deserves ‘grace’, we all do things to hurt one another unintentionally or not in relationships and I’m certainly not perfect at any of this. Though, there is often a ‘breaking’ point, just as we have ‘tipping points’ in our life. I have an especially long tether before letting go in some areas of life.

Defining Moment #1 Huh???
I’d just started writing a step-parenting column in a local newspaper. I was happy to have the work published, it was fun, exciting, a new endeavor. I was submitting writing online and getting pieces published there as well. I was embarking on a new interest, working to build up confidence and steam. I had business cards written which read:

BB Webb, Writer.

ME: ‘Honey, check out my new business cards.’
Him: ‘Just cause you put ‘writer’ on a card doesn’t mean you are one.’

If I’d had a certain male ‘member’ if would have gone entirely soft. Ouch! I’d now have responded a bit differently….

Defining Moment #2 Ouch!!!
In the middle of one of our regular stuggle sessions and triggering of one another, (having seen my parent’s loveless relationship I just felt one needed to Struggle, (yep, with a capital ‘S’) to get to the GOOD stuff.) And I’m driven and tenacious, I don’t give up easily!

Our regular arguments left me feeling….
‘If only YOU would change BB!!!! You’re too sensitive, you’re too emotional, you’re too impatient, you’re too dramatic’…yeah, yeah, yeah…fill in the blank.

Finally feeling exasperated at the end of one emotional interchange where I felt ‘triggered’, unheard, wrong, frustrated as hell:

Me: ‘Ahhhhhh….I feel so FUN and FUNNY when I’m with my friends!’

Him: ‘You funny????’

Me: ‘YES, I’m HYSTERICAL!!!!!!’

For clearly I WAS. Great moment really!

Defining Moment #3 Yowlzer!
ME: ‘I just want to be the light in your life.’
HIM: ‘Well’…(pause, pause, pause)…’you’re not.’

BB and 2Lu...laughing at some of the choices we've made in our lives.

BB and 2Lu...laughing at some of the choices we've made in our lives.

My friend 2Lu and I quote this one regularly and follow it up, NOW, with great, ‘fall off the sofa’ laughter.

Defining Moment #4: Okay, got it!!! DONE!

I’d written a contributing chapter to a Jim Rohn and Jack Canfield book, a marketing vehicle really. I’d asked this love interest if he’d received the book I gave him, (I’d included a lovely little story about him in it).

Granted, this was after our relationship was officially over, paperwork in, finalization almost compete according to the law.

His response,

Him: ‘Yeah, I got it.’

(Pause, pause, pause). I could feel myself fishing for some validation. (Urgh I hate when I do that).

Me: ‘Ahhhh, did you read my chapter?’

Him:‘Yeah.’

I could feel my toes wiggling in my shoes. Walk away from this typical dialogue BB, waaaaalllllk awaaaaaay…. I couldn’t. A fishing I would go.

Me:‘Well, whadidya think?’

Him:‘Oh, same stuff you always say.’

Oh Gawwwwd, why did I GO there??? Why did I feel the need to have this man throw me a flippin bone, as that’s all it would be!

Co-dependent foolish behavior. It was only at THAT moment, that I became VERY clear why we were no longer together….baaaaad fit…..baaaaaaaaaaad fit!

And more importantly, I wasn’t good for me. The seeker and the sought. Yuuuuuuuck.

GOOD LESSONS ALL!

The truth can hurt AND it can also set you free…… if you’re listening.

I heard myself say, ‘I abdicate my throne as Queen of DeNil’. Now doesn’t THAT feel better! Indeed, indeed!

Suddenly I could feel the accelerator in my car revving as forward I moved, and frankly, at breakneck speed, off somewhere…somewhere better, somewhere frankly very, VERY good!

Here’s to attracting really GOOD things which nurture and feed your soul and having the patience for them to arrive in the proper timing….damn it!!

BB Webb

 

Words and their impact… August 26, 2009

Filed under: Business,Dancing,Possibility and Intention,Reflection — BB Webb @ 11:35 pm

I’m curious about words and the power they hold.  Consider how words come and go in popularity, fashion.  I remember years ago my brother suddenly adopting, ‘later’, as his good-bye to me, my brother or mom.  ‘Later, man’, actually.  One day it was ‘see ya’, the next day ‘later, man’, really without warning.

I was not too long ago informed that in today’s vernacular, (among young folks in particular), to ‘hook up’ means to have sex with someone where as to ‘connect’ is to get together.  When I hear unaware colleagues, (more around my age), share how they’d like to ‘hook up’ with me over coffee to discuss one business issue or another, I can feel my forehead wrinkle with qunadary. ‘At Starbucks….really….I didn’t know you FELT that way.’ They are merely unknowing. A tall, frothy, mocha latte with carmel drippings coupled with public sex, (as lovely as that might be), is really not my thing. Certainly not at Starbucks!

Words come and go and are always infused with one meaning or another.  I find it all curious.

So, I am pondering the word discipline and what its impact is on me.  I yearn for more discipline in much of what I say I want and how I go about achieving one goal or another, though I don’t like following rules. So…when I feel my own self proclaimed intentions are caught up against a feeling of discipline defined as…

an instrument of punishment, esp. a whip or scourge, used in the practice of self-mortification or as an instrument of chastisement in certain religious communities.

…whoooooa Nelly, damn if I don’t somehow sabotage myself.

I then look at what I want and wonder why I’m the only one in the way of my GETTING it.

Then I consider THIS outlook to bolster my journey toward my said desire…

activity, exercise, or a regimen that develops or improves a skill; training: A daily stint at the typewriter is excellent discipline for a writer.

Okay…..I’m encouraged here, bolstered forward, excited as I can feel the win, I get it….though back comes…

behavior in accord with rules of conduct; behavior and order maintained by training and control: good discipline in an army. Training to act in accordance with rules; drill: military discipline.

…and damn if I don’t break out in a cold sweat, am ready to bolt and a ‘pissed off’ gene seems to recklessly take control. I must have had a most distasteful army incident in a previous lifetime!

My mentors need be sneaky and masterful in keeping me directed toward my own potential. Though I am learning to be my own best advocate and cheerleader; patterns and who I am can certainly create challenges. Again I am reminded that I must make things what they ARE so I might change them.

So, my work is evident AND self awareness rules. My need to become conscious of why I do or don’t do what I say I want is key.

And as a side result, as I become compassionate toward my own frailties, I might become more compassionate toward others. Maybe.

Humanity. A pickelish state indeed!

So tonight I’m sitting with this thought of discipline and how maybe I need a new word to walk me down the path toward my most EXCITING dreams.

BB Webb

 

Vampire Envy…(a bitty, itty change)…. August 24, 2009

Filed under: Dancing,Friends,Music — BB Webb @ 8:22 pm

Bite me!

Bite me!


UPDATE: STAY TUNED, STAY TUNED…VAMPIRE NAUGHTINESS WILL HAPPEN IN FEBRUARY….AND OOOOOOHHHHH……WE PLANNERS ARE CREATING A STIR, AN EVENT, A HAPPENING INDEED…..STAY TUNED!!

Immortal Life….on earth….not sure that’d be my bag….but a luscious bite on the neck from a hot vampire?…well, suuuurreeee! Just let me die when it’s my time. There is only so much earth fun a body can stand!

BIG news…..we’re holding our first VAMPIRE BALL at Carl House on Halloween eveDATE TO BE DETERMINED THOUGH SOMETIME AROUND CUPID’S DAY IN FEBRUARY!! Ooooooh, more fun than I might share at this juncture, but trust me, I have a team of creative minds planning all manner of naughty, playful, exciting, daring, exhilarating, creative fun with shuttle service to and from Atlanta and Athens for anyone wanting to hoist down a cocktail or two. (Provided by none other than extraordinary, ‘shuttle em in style’ crew of Cooper Atlanta Transportation).

More news upcoming….but gather your dancing shoes and best Vampire garb as there WILL be prizes and OH so much more.

You’re been forewarned!! Spread the good and scary word!

BB Webb

 

The Tipping Point August 20, 2009

I had a ‘tipping point’ day. Something ‘binged’ in my head regarding my business and ‘I got it’ on a different level….all the things I’ve known I wanted, (I always have a vision)…I just didn’t know how to do it….despite coaxing, encouraging, proding, and all the other things that come from caring folks before that ‘tipping point’.

I am not religious one bit, rather more spiritually inspired. I need only ‘get’ something on a visceral level to employ all, ALL my will and strength with TREMENDOUS faith, (I’d blow a seasoned Baptist or guilt ridden Catholic out of the water). When I ‘get’ something or am passionately excited by a vision in my head, I don’t need to know exactly how to get there, but I know I am off and running and the details will gather together like dust bunnies to a corner. I can’t lose.

Though I’ve embraced this process a bazillion times, (a creative process, which is a jumble of disorder and mayhem before the grand creation is complete), I am consistently a flame of awkward, dissatisfied angst, frustration and hot anger, (think mean wolf about to blow down Red’s brick house), just before the tipping point comes. Nonetheless, I throw myself into the process and despite somewhere knowing I will come out a winner holding my trophy high, I play out my role with gusto as for me, there is no other way. I am not the actress, I am indeed the person all actors might want to emulate…I am that person.

And for me, I then own my experience as I’ve BEEN there, yes, no doubt creating my own hell, (probably for some around me as well), but ooooooh the victory in reaching heaven’s gate.

I feel like a victorious warrior today, SURELY not done with the battle though see FOR SURE that my competition has no chance…they being whatever ghouls of fear, reaction, doubt or impatience who knock so LOUDLY on my door, awakening me in the night, not allowing me to fall back in slumber. Today they met their match. Today I don’t care if they enter as I KNOW, for SURE, they haven’t a chance.

I am so damn powerful.

And only so with this team of folks who surround me, recognize me, bolster me forward, directly, (lovingly) call me on my bullshit and lift me higher.

And of course, I have no other reaction but to offer them the world if I can.

And so, the tipping point came today. Awhile back I wrote about this ‘tipping point’ phenomena. You know…you’ve been there.


Rally on, my heart to the warriors!

The Tipping Point

You think it’s gonna come early,
Then were sad and felt it was too late,
You get a tad peaked and encouraged,
Then you wonder hard about fate.

Chorus:
Then dang if the scales don’t tetter,
Don’t they toddle, create a wake,
And oh the tipping point comes,
Yeah open them flood gates,
Baby, go on and open them flood gates,
I got some livin that jus ain’t gonna wait!

The money it just wouldn’t show up,
Your biz slowed, got stuck in the mud,
Your love life seemed on terminal hold,
You’d given ‘nuf sweat and lotsa blood.

Chorus:
Then dang if the scales don’t tetter,
Don’t they toddle, create a wake,
And oh the tipping point comes,
Yeah open them flood gates,
Baby, go on and open them flood gates,
I got some livin that jus ain’t gonna wait!

You’ve scoured the ads, traveled so far,
And that voice in your head keeps saying ‘soon!’
You’ve said your prayers and thrown your cards,
What else now, must I howl at the moon?

Chorus:
Then dang if the scales don’t tetter,
Don’t they toddle, create a wake,
And oh the tipping point comes,
Yeah open them flood gates,
Baby, go on and open them flood gates,
I got some livin that jus ain’t gonna wait!

Then fifty came smack, without warning,
Behaviors of old, took their toll,
Divorce struck quick like sharp lightning,
But freedom, she knocked hard at your door.

Chorus:
Then dang if the scales don’t tetter,
Don’t they toddle, create a wake,
And oh the tipping point comes,
Yeah open them flood gates,
Baby, go on and open them flood gates,
I got some livin that jus ain’t gonna wait!

And heaven you find it was right here,
Peace was well within reach,
Abundance was in every corner,
And love was what ya needed to teach,
Yeah, love was what you needed to teach.

Chorus:
Then dang if the scales don’t tetter,
Don’t they toddle, create a wake,
And oh the tipping point comes,
Yeah open them flood gates,
Baby, go on and open them flood gates,
I got some livin that jus ain’t gonna wait!

BB Webb

 

New Addresses Abound… August 19, 2009

I’ve moved a lot throughout my life. I’ve liked it that way. I’ll move again I am sure. Though, my bungaloo with the high ceilings tucked away in the forest with 3 ferocious dogs and 3 killer cats, suits me fine just now….trekking into civilization works for the moment. My car takes me all kinds of places. There are not many amenities where I live, ‘cept some great fields for walking and trees to sit beneath. It’s a lovely getaway…an incubator of sorts.

So my addresses change.

I have a new Arriving with BB Webb address….FYI…..(if you read below, the old one was confiscated by adolescent pirates, the most ferocious sort). The new address is http://www.arrivingwithbbwebb.com This site will herald in new work, new projects, speaking, writing, tv stuff….so please, stay tuned, or sign up for my newsletter for a periodic update.

And, I’ve taken to the occasional twitter….so please feel free to ‘twit’ me. My address is http://www.twitter.com/bb_webb

So….addresses change, locations come and go, but I, well, I am always here. And that’s comforting to me. If I feel lost I merely look down and there I am. Every time. It’s nice to be able to depend on some things. I am, when all is said and done, reliable to myself.

I like that.

And I am glad YOU are out there.

And while I have you here, I’m collecting new music, and perhaps you have some to recommend to me….music ripe for the soul, music to run to, music to sing to, music to dance to….I’ll take it all.

And hey….thank you in advance.

And because you care enough to show up, I have a song for YOU! (I’m on a Weepies kick). Here’s to all the REALLY good things!

BB Webb

 

Oh Sinnerman….

A favorite song, a favorite scene, a favorite theme….

Slight of hand…perspective….Magritte….life….Nina Simon…

Intriguing…

Where ya gonna run to….?????

BB Webb

 

A Room of One’s Own August 16, 2009

Virginia Wolfe was in touch with what she needed. She also contended that EVERY woman needs her OWN money and her OWN room. I agree. Or at least I know that I do. I’ll get back to this point if you’ll stay with me.

My friend Katja joined me for a long walk and dinner at my house tonight. (Just back from Napa with her husband, she brought the most yummy Rutherford Ranch Cabernet Savignon, 2007. I highly recommend this to folks who savor a robust and tantalizing red. Great with salmon, but I think everything is great with salmon and well, everything is great with a robust red…fish, fowl, the right brand of cereal or dark chocolate). I digress….

We came back after our walk and went directly to my kitchen ready for our anticipated glass of red lusciousness. Katja had read about the sad fate of my goldfish, Saskia from a former blog entry, ‘My Fish Died Today‘ (scroll down the page if you’ve not read the woeful saga). Katja had named my other goldfish Fritz, (my remaining one), after her motherland several months previous.

A note about my pal Katja. I adore and respect this woman immensely, and she’s fun, (a prerequisite for all my pals). She is a journalist, international media consultant and German tv celeb of sorts, (Katja Ridderbusch), (a regular on the German equivalent of ‘Meet the Press’), skill sets in international relations which intrigue and inspire me. She made a switch, followed her heart and is building a formidable career basing herself from Atlanta. She’s a special, (in the way that I boast about several of my few friends), most talented and unique woman. And she adores me which makes me shine from the inside out. It’s totally mutual.

Back to fishiness…..when we returned to my home, (smelling of freshly sauteed almonds for our greenbeans), Katja noticed my fish tank with just one goldfish and remembered the sad story of about a month ago. (However, I can now relay with some hubris, a fresh and clean tank, with lots of bubbles and no murky algae, not at all the scene from my not so distant travesty). Looking at her expression as she gazed upon my tank, I was reminded that Katja and I are both emotional sorts, we can get gooey over the smallest thing.

Katja: ‘Awww BB, poor Saskia.’

‘I know,’ I responded, ‘it was sad that she didn’t make it. But Fritz, he seems to be thriving, he’s shinier, he’s pumped up a bit.’

Katja could not take her eyes off the tank. ‘He really seems happy BB, and look, he’s smiling at me.’

A side note here…women can sense these things, honestly, I think I shared in my former post that my Saskia and Fritz would jump up in the tank when I entered each morning at feeding time. They did.

Katja moved closer to the tank, her German brow knit with deep complexity.

Women see things in their own unique way!

Women see things in their own unique way!

‘BB, Fritz is not a boy. Fritz is a girl. This is a female fish and it’s not Saskia…she had different markings.’

‘Well yes, I know she did, but how do you know Fritzy is not a boy.’

‘Look there,’ Katja pointed to the rear end of my gold and smiling fish.

‘Really!’ I retorted. ‘You’re kidding, I had no idea. I wonder why we hadn’t seen that before.’

‘It doesn’t show as much when they are young.’

‘So, you’re saying that Fritz….Fritzina is a mature young woman fish…female?’

‘It seems so,’ Katja responded in her adorable German accent.

I have to step back a moment, here we are, Katja and myself, two respected women in our various careers, professional, credible, speaking with 100% seriousness about the sex of my goldfish, with sadness in our voices about having lost a female named Saskia and delighted that the newly christened female, once named Fritz, now Fritzina, was looking effervescent and robust since the passing of her tank-mate Saskia. How funny and delightful really, in a most absurd kind of way. It is afterall the ‘little’ things that make such a difference in life.

‘Well BB,’ surmised my pal, ‘I think she is flourishing on her own, really, look at the golden glow she has.’

‘Well, I must say you are right, she’s grown, she seems to have a special swag when she turns and you’re right, I think she IS SMILING. Maybe it’s the bubbles I added to the tank after the last sad day of Saskia’s swimming career.’

‘Well, she does look robust, indeed. And really, it’s as though she now has highlights, she’s positively glowing.’

It was at that point that we moved to my chestnut wooden dining table for some olives and cheese to go with our Napa wine.

Katja looked just like she did when I saw her on her German tv show, serious, introspective, and totally credible.

‘BB, I think having her own space has made all the difference. A girl fish needs a tank of her own. She really is flourishing.’

I too was deep in contemplation, the wine going only a little bit to my head. ‘Yes, it’s as though she’s coming into her own, into her power. You know Katja, I think she’s even jumping a bit higher each morning than when she shared the tank with Saskia. I really do.’

Katja nodded her head vigorously. ‘Could be, could be. Yes, she’s positively glowing BB. I think the bubbles help and certainly how you’ve rearranged the plastic bushes and cleaned the place up, but yes, I think she’s coming into her own. Definitely.’

‘Can I pour you some more wine my friend.’

‘Surely’ responded Katja.

And so it is, we determined that a woman thrives when she has a room, (or tank) of her own.

BB Webb

 

All good things… August 15, 2009

Several things today….#1…if you’ve visited my http://www.bbwebb.tv site lately…..weeeelllll….you’ll see that, ‘where’d it go.’ It has been confiscated by a swarthy band of pirates….

B.B.W.E.B.B. Big-Time *Backyard Wrestling* Experience Get offa my lawn!!”

Getoffamylawn

That certainly brought a chuckle my way!

This is what happens when one of the many sites you’ve secured, (the key site in fact), is not renewed. We were remiss and well, perhaps as a friend suggested…it’s a sign…time for something new. By mid next week, my site address will be http://www.arrivingwithbbwebb.com as after all, I am arriving….always arriving somewhere new!

And that takes me to another curious ‘something’ from this day.

I am interested in many things and not interested in even more.

Suffice it to say, I received an email from a very long time pal who lives in the midwest. We’d spent our younger days In Vermont together. She wrote… ‘Babs, (I have scads of nicknames), Babs….I had this VIVID dream about you, you were…….blah, blah, blah.’ And she was right, I’ve had the same premonitions and I know what she dreamt is on its way…a clear vision of what is coming, what is around my bend. I’ve somehow known it for a loooong time. And well, I know I’ve been preparing for sometime now! Exciting really.

Running2And then, I don’t know what got into me. I went for a run. I’ve had NO interest in running since I finished the NYC marathon almost a dozen years ago, (in the pouring rain). After that, I’d felt as though I’d had enough running. No bad experiences, I’d just had enough.

But today, almost like Forrest Gump, I just got up and ran….up and down hills (with newly purchased iTunes coaxing and encouraging me along)…4 miles…trot, trot, trot, (midday no less)??? Crazy! I don’t know what had gotten into me. I just had to run. And it felt marvelous, I felt like the swift Artemis and could not hold back.

All good things. All good things coming. Letting go of the old, bringing in the new. Wishing us all well.

And the Weepies couldn’t say it better.

Hold onto your hats!

BB Webb

 

With LOVE AND LAUGHTER??????? August 14, 2009

‘Facing Cancer….with Love and Laughter.’

WHAT???? Don’t just HOLD the bus, STOP the damn thing!!! What??? Chill with the jargon and happy smiles folks. ‘Love and Laughter’??? Love, okay….but laughter?? There is NOTHING I’d find one damn bit funny about learning I had cancer. And don’t give me, ‘well, their sentiment.’ Morons. Really. I have more than a bee in my bonnet or burr in my behind!

So, my friend has cancer, it was affirmed today along with a measurement of severity. Not a ‘walk in the park’ day.

I hate most institutions. I don’t use the word hate often, but I’m pissed. My friend and I both were pissed. Not only did the beige walls, benign magazines ipe-mammogramand musac in the cancer waiting room insult my sensibilities, but the fact that the only food in the hospital break room was total junk and every nurse or hospital employee who came in while I tapped at my computer, (waiting for my friend), was fatter than pigs fed antibiotic induced Twinkie rations 8 times a day. They were enormous, unhealthy and spoke about NOTHING but dieting….EVERY woman who walked through those doors.

Our culture, our society, our institutions, are mindless. Generally speaking I’ll stick with that. I’d love to read the vision, mission and culture statements in that hospital. But I’m serious, as a heart attack or the cancer my friend was supposed to be facing ‘with laughter.’

I have mentioned my savvy and talented business coach, the delightfully mysterious (he thinks he’s mysterious…I think he’s funny and fun), and smart, (smarty pants really), tell it like it is, Brian Patrick Cork. I struggled last week trying to find the language for what I’m endeavoring to develop and uncover, not just as a business woman, (that’s an inch of who I am), but the other 11 feet and 11 inches which is packed full of other things; it’s the stuff you can’t name exactly, it’s the part that is with us when we die, it’s the part that makes us who we are…if we’re not numbed and dumb with food, alcohol, prescription drugs, too many kids to care for to think, or being ‘engaged’ in mindless, stupid jobs working for some big institution which has lost touch, or never ‘touched’ into anything dealing with more than a symptom or an axiom, their ‘truth’ proselytized by some coalition of numb-nutts out to rule the world.

I’m after something ‘bigger’, not for ‘biggness’ sake, but because I must. I must seek a truth that works for me. I must seek something which makes sense and makes me want to get up in the morning, to do good, to make a difference or why get up at all. It’s important to me.

So I took my friend to a restaurant called, ‘The Last Resort.’ Really. We worked on a strategy while downing a margarita….just cause we could…and it felt right. Noon on a Thursday, dealing with cancer at The Last Resort. Life is filled with irony. Iconic AND ironic!

Irony soothes

Irony soothes

Healing is about not just the whole body or whole person, it’s about the whole spirit. For cancer to get to be CANCER, a lot of other things have sadly been neglected, unattended, left to randomly spin out of control. Cancer is cells out of control, like the nurses, pounding Doritos followed by peanut M&Ms. I saw it.

Good God….Or the doctor who couldn’t look my friend in the eyes when he told her she had cancer swarming in her left breast….who had to tell her the mass had been there since 2001 but wasn’t big enough for them to tell her. They forgot early on to consider this whole and beautiful person sitting before them. And they forgot today as well.

I want my life to represent the part that helps us wake up to our own power to heal, to be in our passion, our truth, our glory whatever the hell that is. How do people get to the place where they can’t look another lovely human being in the eyeballs when they announce a possible death sentence.

Under all this anger….I’m really very, very sad. Disappointed. How did we all get so numb, stupid and out of touch? All these Christian ‘good people’. What happened? Really, what happened? When did it all get so skewed?

So yeah, I’m pissed, I’m bothered by an organization with so much money and so much influence and so much unawareness that their marketing department would consider putting ‘Facing Cancer with Love & Laughter’ on their flyer. I’m typing with my mouth hanging open ready to swallow a fly.

My friend will be fine. I have an arsenal of strategies to go with her chemo that’ll get her body, mind and that gorgeous, (albiet cynical) spirit of hers back and running. She’ll have to change a few things in her life, tend to taking care of herself in a different way.

If I end up in some institution because one thing or another happens to me, please, please do a Dr. Kavorkian on me and put me out of my misery. Oh, maybe the musac will do that on its own.

How I relish soul. How I relish ‘awake’. How I relish ketchup on my soy dog and filtered walter in my tap.

Wake up America. If we keep doing all the dumb, mindless shit that our neighbors do, we’ll get their same results. Go travel awhile…see other ways of living, being and doing. Wake up. Wake up and fill yourself with love and laughter. But please, please don’t end up in an institution where someone is so numb they’d expect you to deal with a life threatening malady with a platitude suggesting you THROW your head back in joy, embrace laughter as the drip, drip of chemo further pollutes your body temple while watching the overfed nursing staff pounding down their coca colas and pork rinds.

I’d say fill my tap with morphine and let me float with the angels….I’ve got other fish to fly with.

You’re gonna be fine my friend, have no fear…there are other ways…there are other ways to live and breathe.

P.S. My friend was last seen in a Dunkin Donuts with a water pistol shooting anyone who entered wearing pink. I think she was laughing.

BB Webb

 

No….I don’t mess around. August 13, 2009

When I get clear about things….I just don’t mess around. I hang on like plankton till I’m sure there is no way out, no way in, no way through or no way else. When I commit to something, damn it if I’m not in…but when I’m out….’heeeey, where’d she go??’ I just don’t like to hang around. I have other fish I’m damned if I ain’t gonna fry.

I once made a decision to move out of state on a Friday and was gone Sunday, house and LOTS of ‘stuff’moving-van loaded, animals packed, memberships dissolved. And my new house was settled by Wednesday….and no, there was no sleep in between. It’s just me. That’s how I do things. I’m a manic fool, I admit. I don’t care. I like it that way.

When I’m in, I’m in, when I’m out! Seeeeeeee yaaaaaa! And I don’t look back….at least not much. My heart might need mending (or not) and I don’t miss much once I leave…I like the thrill of unchartered territory. I like potential. I’d like to have a love interest who relishes the same.

Imagine a love affair that turns into a voyage fathoms deep, to the far edges of the moon, inside a volcano and back around and underneath the sea. Imagine the courage to keep it all moving and fresh and new….interesting, full, loving, sweet, complex, intense, angry, passionate. Someone to move from state to state with if you choose. I choose that one. Or pick me, pick me….I’ll go there.


I’m not talking roller coaster, I’m talking journey to the far reaches of possibility between two spiritually robust beings having awesome human experiences.

juggling_man

Ahhhhh, come on now….it’s just a choice. Free will, attract what you choose. Create your own miracles. Create your own shit.

I had a boyfriend once, a ridiculously tall, lovely and talented man with a Roman nose which I loved. He was eccentric and a great juggler, of all kinds of sticks and clubs and balls and such…. and very self centered, which sort of amused me. He had a temper, (though not at me) and would chase people on the sidewalks of Boston in his big orange van if they made him mad. I liked him. He was funny and a silly goose really. Talented as all get-out. We played and hung out for a number of years and when it was over….it was over. A little sadness, a little disappointment, but it was what it was. I was good at recognizing timelines back then.

I went through a period, in my 30s mostly, where I just could not see that things come and go….I was adamant on making things stick, muscling them into the way I wanted them to be, clearly missing the magic of interaction and flow. I’m getting to a place where the flow is possibly returning and I see everything as a gift. Oooooh, I can bitch and moan, but I don’t really take myself seriously….I roll with my moods, my hormones, my entertaining ups and downs. I like living large. I am amused by my own ridiculousness….much as I was by my tall Roman nosed fellow back in my Beantown days.

WatermelonSo tonight…I am all about the taste of Watermelon and how I can’t imagine not having it a regular part of my life before now. It’s succulent, (who DOESN’T like SUCCULENT), sweet, I LOVE the texture and well, it fills you up, it’s satisfying.

Yet I know, I know me….I’ll be all over nectarines or gingered pears or kiwi with a twist in a month or two. And goodness, how DID I live without THOSE???

kiwi

Everything is coming and going and coming and going. The taste of a ripe peach is so beautiful, as is the fragrance of a new attraction, the warmth of a friend who you can’t have imagined not being in your life or that snuggle your pup gives you cause you are their A #1 gal. It’s all good. Some things stay longer than others, but it all comes and goes.

I just hope to be awake while the good things pass through, because isn’t that ripe, special, deliriously lovely…the moments, the unexpected ephiphanies, the moments you experience just being alive, knowing that a new state (as in US state) or state is around every bend if you have the courage to flow…to have faith in what your heart tells you….not sweating the details. Life is so much bigger than details. Spring into summer into fall and thank GOODness for winter and spring again. It happens like clockwork, every year…as do our shifts and turns, when we trust and allow them to move us.

So…back into my night…with a full belly of watermelon, the hint of adventures to come, in work, adventures in play, perhaps reflected in the way someone holds an eyebrow, the tone in a conversation or the image you remember from a dream. The memory of a moment or the creation of a thing….or not…it doesn’t matter, it’s all rich…this moment, then that…fuel really.

I like that. I like that a lot!

BB Webb