BB Webb as BB Webb!

Exploring the Possibilities

On the road with a view… July 28, 2009

I most always have a song in my head. I’m not good at dreaming up tunes, though lyrics come easily to me.

I remember times in my life through songs. Bonnie Raitt was my ‘on the road music’ in the 90s. When I hear a Bonnie Raitt song I think of my little red touring truck. I travelled by myself from Maine to Florida, to Seattle to Ohio, back across to Nevada, Florida, Minneapolis, Las Vegas, zip, zip, here, there, everywhere…music and a big wide open road….performing, teaching…on a mission. The road ‘Through Ruby’s Eyes.’

I’m glad I did it by myself. It gave me a great appreciation for so many things. It taught me my strengths and my limitations.

On the road....zip...here and gone...

On the road....zip...here and gone...

Bonnie Raitt got me across the country; she kept me company along the way. I’m practicing one of her songs for my singing lesson….’Rainy Day Man,’ a favorite of mine.

I’ll never come close to singing like Bonnie Raitt, but I get her. She remains to me one of the coolest, most talented, kick-ass performers and artists I know of ANYwhere on the planet.

A little nostalgia for those who remember. Damn can she play and sing the blues! In my dreams.

I’m comforted that ‘the road’ is just off my driveway…there for the taking, when I’m ready. It’s the options that fuel me.

When in doubt, when at a loss, whenever…just pick a song and maybe dance a jig too. Options are EVERYWHERE. As I remind myself to not limit myself, I’ll remind you too!

BB Webb

 

Gutters and such… July 27, 2009

When I was a kid, maybe 9 or 10…my pal, and cohort in adventure and all things fun, the rosy cheeked Ann Murray and I would play house, (along with all manner of games). But ‘house’ was fun. We would pretend we ruled the roost, and not our moms.

Now, I am told by an authority greater than myself, that something curious happened to me around 7 or so…maybe one of those life events where you put up armor to protect SOMETHING or other. We all have our shields…it’s normal. Nevertheless, I do recall at around 8 or 9 years of age that safety became important to me, a sense of order.

Well, in looking back, year 10 of MY life was about year 17 of my parent’s hapless marriage. I felt the cracks, the disintegration…children feel it all. To manage the impending doom I felt in a family that had uneven emotional stability ANYway, I resorted to making sure my drawers and cupboards were in order, that my fish food was lined up ‘just so’ and my clothes were neatly folded. When I played ‘house’ with Ann, we’d start each session with a proclamation on my part that: ‘and the whole house is CLEAN, even the gutters!’ (Ann was waaaaay tolerant…my FIRST ‘best’ friend)!

Incredible that! I needed something to control, something that felt safe and orderly, certainly our family dynamics weren’t. dirty_gutters3

At 12 my parents divorced. I was roller skating on our drive at 2525 Old Orchard Road. Nice weather, me just going round and round. Mom came out to tell me that she and Dad were divorcing. I only remember a brief pause in my skating and then a feeling of relief thinking, ‘whewww, that’s good, it’s so TENSE when he’s around!’

Imagine!

Kids I think can handle MUCH more than we give them credit for, but they need to be kept in the loop, appropriate to what their age can handle. And of course love need be consistently applied.

I felt it all, knew things weren’t right, for God’s sake, my mom lost all kinds of weight that year and actually LOST HER VOICE for several weeks. Our bodies do NOT lie.

We are hit spiritually, emotionally and THEN stuff lands in our bodies. Dis-ease, turns to disease. I know.

I will never let anyone tell me any more that something is wrong with me, with how I feel or with my body or my mind. I know what I feel and my body and mind react accordingly. We’re all so VERY okay if we’ll just tune in and TRUST what the hell we’re feeling.

I’m serious as a heart attack. And my Dad might have prevented his (heart attack), if he’d felt stuff a little more, poor dear.

But we’re a ‘numb out’ culture…a lot of ‘sumpin-sumpin-sumpin-aholics.’ Fill in the blank. My family was notorious at shuffling feelings under the rug and then….’let’s go have a cocktail!!!’ And hey, don’t get me wrong, there is a big difference between a few cocktails and an addiction… and I love a soulful glass of red wine….I’m talking about the stuff we do so we don’t feel. There IS a difference.

And let’s face it….it’s challenging to FEEL everything that comes our way. We live in a zippy culture.

But back to me and Ann. So, ready for house, gutters clean, I’d do this funky ‘cleansing breath’ thing, (at 10….who the heck WAS this nutty kid). Somehow I was breathing out the shitty stuff and bringing in the new. (Well, perhaps I was/AM certifiably ‘something,’ but don’t spread the word…til now it’s been a secret)!!

Well, I still prefer a neat desk but I’m not fanatical, (my employees think I am), but I do realize we all are SO different…not wrong, right, just DIFFERENT.

All this came to mind today when I went over to Carl House to pay the guy who was cleaning our gutters. They hadn’t been done in WAAAY too long and well, stuff was falling out and inside was terribly ‘gooed’ up from decaying leaves and such.

It felt good to have our gutters cleaned at my business. It feels good to have the old gunk removed, moving forward with MUCH better information for doing so than when I was 10!

I’m reminded to talk to the people I love…to tell them what’s going on. And hey,….don’t worry if your ‘gutters’ build up with goo every now and again, just have ’em cleaned, take a cleansing breath… and you’ll feel shiny and new!

BB Webb

 

Dancing and Technology July 26, 2009

I love dancing…

I love technology.

I love the two combined.

Start em young I say… start em young!!

They got me…I’m buying Evian and if I weren’t locked into Verizon, TMobile might be my pick…based on their dance video…find it…it’s worth a looksie!

BB Webb

 

Compassion… July 25, 2009

CompassionWords are throwing themselves at me these last few days. I’m listening more lately. It’s good. Sometimes to others, (not always), but to the quiet voices that enter my head IF I take the time to notice. There’s the rub!

So, compassion….Com… passion….maybe it’s a beckoning…a call for passion, toward loving-ness. (I can make up whatever I want). Passion for what you do, for another, passion! Desire in its many forms. Different from lust…deeper….fuller, longer lasting, better! That’s how I see it.

Living without compassion I think would be horrific. I feel everyone could use more and that we all have the ability to nurture that quality and trait.

A friend of mine shared a desire to have more compassion. I was glad to hear that. Ours egos are threatened by compassion. I’ve notice people in my life confusing compassion with being ‘soft,’ as in ‘sissy’ soft. Far the opposite. Compassion takes courage, it takes putting YOU aside to consider the heart of another. To listen. That takes strength, courage. And ooooh the rewards are PLENTIFUL when we do.

Georgia O’Keefe’ put it well when she shared her thoughts on friendship:

Flower 1

‘Nobody sees a flower – really – it is so small it takes time – we haven’t time – and to see takes time, like to have a friend takes time.’ Flower 2
Georgia O’Keefe’

To be a really good friend you need compassion, to be a really good lover, teacher, brother, boss!…I’d hasten to say that to be really ANGRY, you need compassion, (anger being different from rage which is helpless, hopeless and powerless). Anger is good when directed appropriately….dare I say lovingly, compassionately.

I could stand to develop more compassion.

I have it easily for some things in my life…certainly those weaker than me, animals of course, little kids, (sometimes). It’s harder for me to be compassionate toward the bullies, the egomanics, bossy folks, religious zealots, bad listeners, mean people, needy, whiney people. (And yeah, I fall into some of those categories from time to time). These I daresay are the folks who need it the most!

Yeah, I DO have some work to do.

A former mate of mine would get most frustrated with me when I would get upset about one thing or another. He’d needle me, he’d try to convince me to NOT feel however I was feeling…I’d get further pissed, I’d end up feeling wrong, blah, blah, blah….I didn’t know how to guide my feelings elsewhere back then and I was impressionable; I believed what people said about me.

I suppose we always have the choice to be RIGHT or to be LOVING. Consider that when you feel your bile rising. Have you even been ‘right’ and then watched another suffer in your ‘right-ness.’ It’s not worth it. Rarely ever.

Hug 3 In contrast, I’ve another friend who when I get upset or on a passionate tirade, (that’ll be me), he pastes a big fat grin on his face and looks at me lovingly or gives me a warm hug. It instantly changes everything and we usually just laugh a lot, sometimes til we fall down! I breathe, I feel heard, I can answer my own dilemmas. He lives on the other side of the world and I don’t see him much, but I feel his friendship and when I remember that simple gesture, things change in me.

It’s the little things. Someone noticing, witnessing WHO we are that matters, taking time. That is loving. That to me is compassionate. Letting ‘whatever’ be about ANOTHER person. Just loving them ANYHOW!

I’m eager to have another opportunity to try….not just on others, but compassion toward myself. I feel we have many, many, many, MANY opportunities each and every day.

Incredible hulkEven the Incredible Hulk had compassion!

Sigh…

BB Webb

 

Opaque, obtuse, transparent July 24, 2009

I’m playing with words tonight. They can be such imposters, such posers, sneaky little devils!

Ever have a thought in your head and a word just appears….KAPOW!! You may not be completely familiar with its meaning, might not use it frequently, though there it is…as fragrant as lemon zest….but watch out….it might portend more than you suppose.

The English language and the way people speak intrigues me. Most people don’t have a rigorous command of language, (or maybe not where I live anyway)…so I relish repartee, witty banter, even an ass who can cleverly debate. I become mesmerized in how their mind puts words and thoughts together, AND what might really be the intent or meaning BEHIND the words.

I have a friend who can swing out a litany of insults faster than a fly on you-know-what. I’m not adept in that way….my litanies run in different directions. But I’m impressed and mesmerized with her alacrity, her poise when hurling her objective and her neat ability to have words collaborating in such order and with such profound intention. In short, it’s ‘way cool.’

I’ve recently been exposed in a new way to the word transparency. I like this word.

Transparent
transparent–adjective 1. having the property of transmitting rays of light through its substance so that bodies situated beyond or behind can be distinctly seen.
2. something transparent, esp. a picture, design, or the like on glass or some translucent substance, made visible by light shining through from behind.

I like especially this part: ‘made visible by light shining through from behind.’ Being a junkie for the truth, I’m drawn to this idea….shining light, making conscious and real something.

In contrast, the word ‘obtuse’ seems to be filling my mind lately.

Obtuse
ob⋅tuse  /əbˈtus, -ˈtyus/ Show Spelled Pronunciation [uhb-toos, -tyoos] –adjective 1. not quick or alert in perception, feeling, or intellect; not sensitive or observant; dull.
2. not sharp, acute, or pointed; blunt in form.
3. (of a leaf, petal, etc.) rounded at the extremity.
4. indistinctly felt or perceived, as pain or sound.

And then ‘opaque’ seems to be ringing in my ears this week…

Opaque
o⋅paque  /oʊˈpeɪk/ Show Spelled Pronunciation [oh-peyk] Use –adjective 1. not transparent or translucent; impenetrable to light; not allowing light to pass through.
2. not transmitting radiation, sound, heat, etc.
3. not shining or bright; dark; dull.
4. hard to understand; not clear or lucid; obscure: The problem remains opaque despite explanations. 5. dull, stupid, or unintelligent.

I’m not sure why these words are swimming in my head lately. Certain life lessons are appearing in my world lately as ‘obtuse transparencies,’ (uh oh…I’m losing some of you….I can feel it! Ha! Time to add a pretty picture! Fortunately my blog is not required reading!)….by that…something that is not yet readily clear.

And so it goes with things just becoming conscious in our brains. I might add then that they are opaque, though, adding ‘obtuse’ to ‘transparency’ seems more fitting. It’s got more potential, and I’m all for that!

I endeavor to be ‘selectively transparent’ though am not as seasoned at the ‘selectively’ part. I’m not very good at hiding, though I know it’s a good protective measure and certainly needed in aspects of life.

And so, a lemon sometimes is really a lime or vice versa. And that’s okay…we’re all molting, we’re all I feel working toward our own self actualization, maybe. Maybe ‘all’ is too generous. Some. It can indeed get confusing at times.

That’s when I beckon grace into my life. An important word, and important concept. Perhaps ‘gracious’ is more appropriate.

The process is obtuse, at best.

limeAnd damn, I guess when it becomes REALLY cumbersome, we can just make limeade out of lemons! Or vice versa.

Words! Being Human……all rather marvelous and mystifying. It keeps me up a night when I really SHOULD be sleeping!

BB Webb

 

Holy Crap!!

mother daughter 2Well, an interesting day to report indeed…..a lack of sleep, brings new light to areas within ourselves, (I find), that might need SPECIAL attention.

Soooo how might I begin this blogging report.

Isn’t it interesting how one day you have the tiger by the tail, and the next, well damn if he isn’t biting your arse. My mother, (the lovely Kitty Vogel) shared with me her philosophy on troubling issues once,

mother daughter‘Honey, here’s how I see it. We all have our weak areas, vulnerable spots, places to develop and grow. When you get overwhelmed with it all sweetheart, just focus on taking ONE file of challenges out of your ‘challenging issues’ filing cabinet a day, and work on that one issue. Just as when you’ve not had enough sleep, and I tell you to go to bed, insisting that you’ll feel better if you do, you WILL. Trust me on this, I’m your mom, I love you and I KNOW! And most of all when you forget how beautiful, talented and loved you are, see my face in your mind and you will remember. You’re my special girl and I waited a long time for you to arrive. And you did. You arrived and I love you.’

My mother was the great and masterful Oz to me and I believed her.

She’s no longer living, (actually I was sharing with a friend how a few of her ashes remain with me in a Brown Cow yogurt container which sits in another wooden box with pictures of the two of us, near my desk at work). Kitty had SUCH a full, lively, playful sense of humor, I know she would love that her bodily remains are not only strewn throughout Montana where my brothers now live, but on Carl House’s grounds and well, near me while I work, in a yogurt container. (She LOVED yogurt).

I put together a collection of works including those of Italian playwright Dario Fo while in graduate school. The piece was called, Alive and Female. I dedicated it to my mother, linking the various names she had throughout her life, from various marriages. It said:

‘To my darling mother, Kathryn Royer Vogel, Meyers, Banta, Richards, Richards, Vogel, a woman who knows change!’

I was so encouraged that at the end of her life she re-found herself, symbolically represented by taking back her former name. I feel her with me EVERY day (thank God) and appreciate it especially on days like today when I feel only my underbelly is showing, and none of the big, bold, muscle-y parts I’ve developed. But that’s okay….she’s here, and so am I and after a good night of sleep, well, I bet I’ll feel better.

And no doubt tomorrow, I’ll have a new story to write….. about what I learned.

Focusing on the love…(everything else is a big fake)…and that I don’t need to know ‘it all!’heart

And, HOLY CRAP, thank God for friends who love you enough to be real, tell you the truth, show THEMSELVES and honor your underbelly AND most of all, who love the shit out of you. Thank you Lee and 2Lu for loving ALL my parts.

BB Webb

 

Be the Change. July 23, 2009

In talking with a close and very dear friend of mine today, who is quietly, (always her way….God she inspires me), quietly battling cancer, I was drawn to a sentence I read in a new book I’m reading about spirit guides….(I read a broad range of material).

‘Our healing lies with the choices we make each moment, each day.’

Our fears usually reside with a memory of something unpleasant from our past, or a projection of something potentially uncomfortable in our future.

But truly, I believe our healing not only happens IN the moment, but that it can happen almost instantaneously, if we believe it can. In the moment is where all the action is….it’s where ALL of life is. Not in yesterday, not tomorrow certainly.

I love that thought. We only have this moment, then this one, then the next, the next and the next. Just here, just now.

How often am I waaaay ahead in my future….projecting forward, (I have an avid imagination)….or I’m hanging on some memory.

When in the moment, our unique and individual powers are mind blowing….and what an apt term….yes, if we blow AWAY the mind we can touch into our power…..which is BEYOND mind. Difficult perhaps for our small human brains to embrace…..certainly challenging to mine.

I feel great love and compassion for this friend. I have my own challenges in moving beyond my own self imposed limiting beliefs and past yucky experiences. Transformation, molting, physically, emotionally, spiritually, well, it is a process. Frankly, I feel that’s what we landed on earth to learn. The goal, maybe is becoming our best selves.

With that, I am thinking of new choices for my friend to assist her in her physical, mental and spiritual healing. I want to be part of the solution for her and I know for certain it’ll require tenacity on my part as she is ‘wicked stubborn’ as they might say in Maine. She hasn’t yet seen the side of me that is waaaaay more WICKED subborn than she is. She’s in for a surprise. I don’t take my friendships or my commitments lightly.

And, I think of yet another friend who I suspect is initiating, in his own quiet way, his own destiny and healing. I can feel his cells exploding and reforming to manifest new things for himself. And he will, possibly all by himself, for as with my other friend, he is mighty, willful and strong. (though I think he is MUCH smarter than that and will wisely garner support). Maybe he’ll accept my help, I’m not sure. In the meantime I’ll send him love as well.

We need each other to manifest our greatest selves. Of this I am certain. Alone has its limitations. I know. I know this very well.

I sincerely hope my friends will consider my assistance, in whatever way will serve them best. I have a lot to offer them.

And honestly, I know for sure, without their love and care, I’d be so, so much less.

And as you might have suspected….a song has come to mind.
Corey Smith, ‘Be the Change.’

(my friend Lee Davis produces Corey’s music (and rocks on the keyboard)….goodness I have talented friends…they are such fun to brag on).

BB Webb