I’m attracted to strength. I’ve confused other things with strength in the past though. I don’t mean muscles, (though I appreciate a fine physique), and I certainly don’t mean bullishness. (Insecurity and ego ultimately). There is a heartfulness in true strength, a kind of compassion and openness. There is also a humbleness in strength.
I’m a leader in training, trying to find my way despite countless flaws. I have a patient business coach, (Brian Patrick Cork) who to me exemplifies the kind of strength I admire. He marches to the beat of his own drum, something I relate to for sure. And fortunately I feel I can throw out any part of who I am and he volleys back to me in a way that doesn’t trigger me, make me defensive, (usually) and I tend to feel supported instead of beaten up after his rather frank dialogues and assessments of how I might have handled a given business situation better. He supports the good, bad and really ugly situations I have been finding myself in of late. I like that. I’ve not had much of that in my life.
I’ve lived with and grew up with some bully strength and hate to admit that I am prone to similar behavioral outbursts from time to time, mostly when I feel pushed or shoved. This behavior was clearly a survival strategy at one point in my life. (I also grew up a ‘blocker’ on the defensive with two older brothers who made the space under our dining room table ‘the jail’ and guess who spent much of her childhood there)! It made me cheeky, saucy in a way where I knew I could survive whatever came my way. And I have. But I’m not interested JUST in survival anymore. I prefer to thrive and there is a big difference.
Brain asked me in my coaching session today if I wanted to do theatre again, theatre being my background. I think he asked that in that I’m feeling presently challenged by some things in my current Carl House business. I have never wanted to go back to anything I’ve done.
Theatre was a building block for where I am now. And where I am now is a building block for where I’m headed.
I have a feel for what’s ahead, some plans, a beginning strategy but know, as part of the creative process that I’ve embraced since I was young, my ‘plan’ is merely a beginning compass, where it takes me is unknown. To me that is the BEAUTY of the creative process. So, no, I clearly don’t agree with all traditional business methodology, though do admire the folks, like Brian, who have traveled through their own adversity to create something right for themselves.
I value all my experiences. I honestly do. I know if I’m paying attention that I’ll learn something and I’m humbled on a daily basis.
But back to strength. I’m a strong willed woman and despite my own set of weaknesses and challenges, I don’t believe in limits. Where I might have had to prove something in the past, I feel differently at this stage in my life. The strength I might muster serves to fulfill more a sense of purpose that brought me onto the planet.
(That clearly sounds like horseshit). I don’t know how else to say it.
But that is how I feel AND as I’ve said on this blog just days ago, it’s difficult for me to do what I don’t want to do. By that I mean, it has to make sense. I do things often which I’d rather delegate to someone else, but as the owner of Carl House going through growth and positive change, from time to time I have to be more hands on than I want to be. I’m more a vision person and though I want the details exact, I don’t thrive being mired in the day to day.
Though similarly, as a parent you change diapers and look forward to when your kids can walk and talk. It’s all part of the process and at some point we all need to take responsibility for things at a different level. It’s part of the package and the creative growth process. And so am I.
That being said, I appreciate a presence who can call me on my own B.S. or shortcomings and who might guide me toward better choices, and yep, here it comes, with love. My friend 2Lu is a savvy business owner and leader and I feel as though both Brian and 2Lu sit atop my shoulders guiding, coaxing, laughing at stupid stuff I do and encourage me along the way.
I appreciate a good debate, a heated dialogue, disagreement and foremost passion. And I appreciate someone seeing things that I can’t see from my perspective.
I can certainly benefit from seeing things from other people’s point of view more. Business isn’t a democracy and I’m finding that without cultivating a solid culture within your organization and protocol, (I hear Brian’s words), clear policies and procedures, you’re sunk. The leader drives the vision and it’s all implemented through said policies and procedures.
These learnings are all fodder for my upcoming PBS television series, ‘Savvy Women: Redefining Business.’ I’m on the road to ‘savvy’, navigating through many potholes on the way. It’s challenging more often than not, but uplifting when a milestone is hit. And what lessons the dip in our economy has given many of us who were trolling along during opulent times, not knowing what we didn’t know.
So, thank you to the folks who can hold a space for who I am and who with their attention and care, help me become more of who I’ve the potential to be. I hope I might contribute to others in such a way. I’m most grateful for their example!